Just love me

Too scared

So you go to the cafeteria, and a bit later, Leïa, Jade and Maya arrive. The guys join you right after.
You have your head in your hands. Payton comes and sits next to you.
Payton : « so, you don't assume ? » laughing a bit.
You : « shhht omg... »
Josh : « take this » tossing you a headache medicine.
You : « thanks »
Cynthia : « can I have one too ? »
He gives her one.
Payton : « you abused last night yk » to you.
You : « I've been told, yeah.. »
You feel uncomfortable rethinking about what the girls told you, so you do not really know what to say.
Payton : « are you okay ? »
You : « yeah »
He can see that something is wrong, but decides not to insist now.

You finish eating and decide to spend the rest of the morning at the pool.
Then you go back to your rooms to change before going to eat. But Payton grabs your arm just before you get into your room.
Payton : « y/n, what's going on ? »
You : « can we talk about this later ? Thank you » going into your room.
Payton : « okay.. » a little confused.
He goes back to his room.

On your side :
You feel like shit. You think that you have never been this jealous and this confused about everything.
You : « omg girls, ...I'm a mess »
Talia : « why do you say that ? »
You : « well because it's true. I was a big mess last night »
Madi : « true, but we told you to stop with the alcohol »
You : « no but it's not- ..ughh... »
You : « I'm so.. fucked up »
Talia : « why ? »
You : « idk I feel so bad, like, I'm so confused about so many things, and being jealous like that, please.. »
Madi : « you have a right to be jealous, she's a bitch »
Talia : « beb.. I don't want to hurt you or make you sad but.. maybe it's because of Matt... I mean, your behavior has definitely changed after what he did to you.. it's normal that you're a little more wary or jealous, ..you need to be more reassured »
You : « ..you're probably right... »
Cynthia : « and let's face it, Payton is not the best for that »
You sigh a bit.
Madi : « eh no, listen, don't think about it. We're gonna have fun and have a good day, okay ? »
Madi : « only positive vibes »
You : « ...okay.. »

After that, you join the others and decide to go climbing.
You stay with Payton and try to think as little as possible but he feels you are different.
Payton : « okay, what's wrong ? »
You : « nothing, why ? »
Payton : « come on, not to me.. you're acting strange, idk »
You : « nah I swear, it's okay »
Payton : « you're a bad liar »
You : « I-... I'm just overthinking a lot recently.. but I'm fine, dw »
Payton : « do you wanna talk about it ? »
You : « no, no it's just crap.. »
Payton : « ...okay »

The rest of the day, you are a little distant with him, he pulls away from you a little too, because he feels lost too.
The night comes. It takes you a long time to fall asleep. Same with Payton, he overthinks.

A few days go by, you and Payton get further and further apart. You are both lost. You are sad that the other one is getting further away, but you both do so. Payton is so scared of what he is starting to feel. He is not playing with you, he is not in control, so he distances himself.
You feel this distance and you realize that your behavior has changed since you broke up with Matt. You find it hard to trust and open up.
So you confide to Talia.

You : « yk what ? You were right... »
Talia : « about what ? »
You : « I need to be reassured even more since what happened with Matt.. I find it so hard to trust »
You : « the problem is that.. Payton has trouble opening up »
Talia : « yeah I know.. I mean, it's Payton » shrugging a bit.
You : « I know but.. he never expresses what he feels, and I'm a psycho who needs to be reassured every 5 minutes » kind of tired of yourself.
Talia : « but you don't open up much either. I mean, idk, maybe I'm wrong but you used to always tell Matt how much you missed him, how much you loved him, and now it's like you want to.. hide what you feel »
You : « yeah but look where it got me to say all that »
You : « I don't wanna get too attached- »
Talia : « you already are- »
You : « yeah but saying that kind of thing only makes it worse. And if one day he leaves, this shit's gonna hurt »
Talia : « but why would he leave ? »
You : « idk »
Talia : « stop thinking about that. If you're always thinking about the possibility that people might leave, you'll be stressed your whole life »
Talia : « plus, Payton loves you, he- »
You : « I know he loves me, .. but I'm so insecure »
Talia : « yeah but because of that you create problems where there are none »
You sigh a bit.
You : « ..I'm so scared »
Talia : « okay so, I'm not a psychic but I'm pretty sure he's scared too, ..maybe even more than you »
You : « ugh.. why always be scared and ruin things when we can be happy together ? »
Talia : « it's something you can't control, ..that's why it hurts ig »
You : « I hate myself.. »
Talia : « no don't say that, ...it's been hard for you this story with Matt.. and Payton, well.. he's not the best to reassure you »
You : « uhm.. »
Talia : « you guys should talk. Communication is very important in a couple »
You : « yeah.. »

The others notice that things are not going very well between the two of you lately, they ask you some questions but you guys are pretty silent on the subject and they do not want to get too involved in your business, so they leave you alone. Maya is the only one happy with the situation.
You guys are still hanging out with the others, and Ilona is still trying to get closer to Payton but he does not pay too much attention to her. It still annoys you and you do not know how to handle it. So you have jealousy fits and Payton really does not understand why, so it makes him a bit tense.

Payton : « stop being jealous for nothing »
You : « I'm sorry but she's always hanging around you, and it doesn't seem to bother you btw- »
Payton : « sorry ? »
You : « it's true »
Payton : « you don't trust me, that's the problem »
You : « it's not that »
Payton : « so what ? »
You : « I-.. all this shit with Matt is still affecting me ig »
Payton : « so you think I'm gonna cheat on you ? »
You : « no, but I never thought Matt would cheat on me and he did- »
Payton : « are you serious rn ? »
Payton : « so you put me in the same place as him ? »
Payton : « your jealousy makes you talk nonsense »
You : « can't you see that I need to be reassured ? Not yelled at »
Payton : « I'm not yelling at you I'm just trying to make you understand that there's no reason to be jealous »
You : « okay you don't understand- » leaving.
Payton : « y/n- »
You : « nah it's okay »

On the fandom side :
They have also noticed that you guys have been less together and sadder lately. They have almost no more content, so they are a bit confused and rumors of a breakup are starting to circulate.