Y/N and the Avengers

What would you do?

"I hope you're not angry at us for doing this, but it's for safety reasons", Steve apologized.
"I get that..." You sat down on the bed and smiled weakly.
"Good... we'll come back tomorrow morning. If anything's wrong, just hit the button over there."
You nodded in response. He smiled and walked out of the room, the door locked behind him. You had to admit that he cared about you in a way you didn't understand yet. But he did. Captain America cared about a person who tried to kill him and his team. Why?

You couldn't find any sleep and turned around and around in your bed.
At some point, you gave up and got out of it; your thoughts were torturing you.
What should you do? What was wrong and what was right? Everything you ever knew and believed in had crashed, so how were you going to figure out the truth? Who were you truly besides killing and torturing people? You got angry. Not just because you felt so overwhelmed but also angry at yourself, Hydra, the Avengers - everyone. You stood up and leaned your head against the wall. "Get it together EQ8, you're not a primate. You are a soldier. A Hydra soldier. And you fucked up. YOU FUCKED UP!", you yelled and punched the wall.
And again. And again. And with every hit, you punched harder.
Then you stopped, took a deep breath, turned around, and slid down the wall. "You are EQ8", you whispered, "Our best soldier. Our whole hope and work are in you. Better don't ruin it. Or..." Or what? What would happen? What WILL happen? Death? Death still sounded like a good option. "You need to be better!", you yelled, "Don't fuck up!" With every word, you hit yourself: "Don't. Fuck. Up! You. Ruined. Everything! You. Deserve. To die! FUCK!"
You stood up and got the knife that you had snuck in. It was still under the mattress where you put it earlier. Taking a deep breath you sat down and focused on the knife.
Everything could be over in just a few minutes.
You pressed it against your wrist.
Suddenly you remembered when you sat on the bed and showed Natasha your scars. The scars you looked at right now. She was so kind and lovely... How could you forget that? Was that even real? Tears ran down your cheeks. Was this real or was it just a simulation Hydra had put you in?
"Come on!", you heard an angry voice. But it wasn't in your room, you heard it in your head.
"Where are we going?", you heard yourself.
"You'll see. I don't want to deal with this shit!"
You were crying and scared. Your dad had grabbed your arm and dragged you into the car. He drove you to the next psych-ward and left. He didn't ask what was going on or why you were sad. He was just yelling at you.
For crying.
For being so annoying.
For being so much work.
For everything.
Your whole existence was bad for your parents. "I can't believe that you are doing this to us! We're doing everything for you and you're doing THIS!", "Shut up! Do you want a real reason to cry?! I can give you some!", you heard him yelling in your head.

"Y/n!" You snapped out of your flashback and looked into a worried face. "Put that away", he said carefully. You followed his gaze to your wrist and realized that you still held the knife to it, even seeing a little bit of blood leaving the wound. You dropped the knife and Bucky shoved it further away from you with his foot. "Don't try to kill me", he said and sat down next to you. You shook your head and cried. "What happened?"
"I... I don't know. I am so confused...", you said quietly.
"What were you doing with that knife? Trying to kill yourself yet again?", he asked but you shook your head.
"Well... I thought about it...", you whispered, "But I..."
"But, what?"
"It wasn't my intention, no."
"So you just wanted to add more to these, huh?" Bucky pointed to the scars you had on your wrist.
"I guess? I don't know... It was.. like a reflex. I was just so angry...", you admitted and he took you in his arms. "We weren't best friends, not even close friends", you said and he pushed you away but grabbed your shoulders.
"So you remember." It wasn't a question, not really.
You shrugged. "I don't know what I do and don't. Hell, I don't even know who I am..."
"It doesn't matter, okay? Just know that we're here for you. Just goddamn please, please don't go back to Hydra. I can help you with all that, I know how that feels like. I am not sure if we had the same treatment, but I know how it feels to have lost yourself and not know what is right or wrong. Trust me, when I say that all this can get better and that I can help you." He took away his hands from you and you tried to find anything in his eyes. "You know that you can just get in my mind to get to know if I'm telling the truth?", he asked to underline his talk.
"Yeah, but I don't think that this would be a good start for trust", you whispered and he chuckled.
"True, true. But if it makes you stay, you are allowed to do so."
"Maybe another time. I think I should try trusting you first. Last time didn't end that well... I think Dr. Banner doesn't like me."
"Well, you shot him", Bucky replied.
"Right...", you said and sighed but he just grinned. "What?"
"Nothing."
"Ah, come on!"
"You were pretty badass", Bucky said smirking.
"Huh?"
"You might had the wrong intentions but I like the confidence you had."
"Was my old me different?", you asked, tilting your head slightly.
"Oh, for sure. I mean you just started working here so I don't blame you."
"Hm..."
"What's wrong?"
"It's just..." You sighed and didn't continue. You weren't sure what to say, you didn't even understand your thoughts.
"You shouldn't give up. We almost had you back the last time but Hydra got you again... So you can find yourself again as well. Maybe it will take more time now but you can do it. You're strong", Bucky tried to encourage you.
"I don't know..."
"But I do."
"Can you promise me something?", you asked.
"Depends."
"Don't tell Natasha anything."
He laughed and you looked at him confused. "Sorry. The old you would have said the same. It's funny how Hydra tried to make someone completely new yet you still are you somewhere. They really failed, good for us though."
"Don't you dare-!" You stopped yourself and took a deep breath to calm down again. "Sorry...", you whispered.
"That's a good first step, I'd say."