Different colored minds

This is not my day

JOE POV

It's safe to say I really am going to fail chemistry. My dad called me a retard yesterday. Worse than that, he said I'm worse than one. I never realized how much studying with Steven had helped me keep pushing through. A memory seers across my mind. It's of Steven and I sitting on the bed doing math. He's wearing a blood red shirt and he's calling me stupid for not adding something right. Next I'm calling him stupider for failing the last test. Together we were able to pass. He chose to leave. So I have to let him go But it's lonely without anyone to talk to. He was my go to man for everything.
"Good afternoon," someone is blocking my path. I look up to see Maverick.
"Are you headed to homework help?" He pulls up next to me. I keep rolling my wheels.
"What makes you think that?" I snap back, but I don't stop.
"I do some side grading as a ta for the chem teacher." He continues. I pause for a second.
"Want help?" He continues.
"Aren't you not supposed to know about your classmates grades? That seems a little suspicious," I say. All of the sudden I feel tension in all of the wheels of the chair, I look up to make eye contact with Maverick.
"Pride comes before the fall," he says quietly. I can smell him from here.
I raise my eye brows.
"Can you let go?" I can feel the anger building up. Stupid chair.
"Let me know if you end up needing help," he lets go of the handle bars and walks down the hall away from me. I take a deep breath and keep rolling.
Even if I did want help, why would I want help from a sniveling misfit who smells like trash. I'm still rolling down the hall when I see another unwelcome sight. Aliana is standing by her locker. My heart throbs. I still haven't talked to her since we broke up.
But then something catches my attention. Alaina's eyes slide towards the opposite side of the hall. Her eyes look the same way they used to look at me, her dow like eyes transfixed on the back of a head. Long hair trails down their back as they push it to one side. Fuck it's that Abel creep. I can clearly tell it's a man dressed as a woman. Though he's trying to hide it underneath flamboyant make up and a mini skirt, his jawline is too harsh. His Adam's apple is too present. My eyes flick back to aliana and My heart sinks.
Just what the hell is she thinking?

the day I met her slashes across my mind.

She was laughing at a book sitting on her lap. The book was war and peace, the first volume. I couldn't help but walk up to her.
"Why are you reading that?" She looked up at me with a courteous smile.
"Its about people, odd people to be more specific. And Napoleon and war. It even deals with aristocrats. The poor. Death. It teaches the reader to think deeper than the skin. It's a challenging perspective. So, I'm reading it."
"Challenging perspective?"
"Books carry the souls of their writers onward. Their hopes and dreams. Things they wished or wish to attain. And no matter how much time passes They never stop being people. There's always death and fear and love and hate. There's always war. There's always love. Just not maybe in the physical sense people associate it with."
"So you're reading it for what?" I was losing my patience. She'd lost me a long time ago.
"I love Tolstoy." Her eyes glitter. "He looked for realistic people. Not the bullshit we call being real now a days. He's raw. And I like it." It clicked. I sat down next to her. She looked over at me and then looked back down at her book.
"Aren't you the head of the cheer team? I didn't expect you to be a nerd," I laughed. She looked up at me in scorn.
"Never judge a book by its cover," she smiled with impossibly white teeth.

And now sitting in my wheelchair looking down the hallway I can hear her words echoing in my head.

Never judge a book by its' cover.

I guess, with that being said, I'm not surprised she finds him attractive.
I don't think anyone quite sees beyond the skin like Aliana. It's what she lives for. Seeing past the skin. It's something I love about her. Im disgusted by what that person is choosing to do to himself willingly. What happens to the partner they leave behind when the meds kill them? What do they do when they decide they actually do want kids and can't have them? What happens when their organs rot inside of them and they drag their partner through it. They're killings themselves. They're just finding a more gruesome way to do it. I swerve around students. I don't care. This is ridiculous.
I grab her hand.
Aliana looks down.
She pulls her hand back.
"What are you do..." She starts.
"Come with me outside," I snap.
She sighs and then follows. My hand slips down into hers. It's the same as it always was. Too small. Too cold. And too fragile for this world. A flower. I look to see if he looks this way. I'm sure he won't be interested in her. I mean how could he? They wants to be a girl so bad so why would he want a girl? Clearly aliana is trying to save someone that is beyond saving. And far beyond the ability to have a relationship.
We reach the lawn.
"What are you thinking? Going out with some tranny?" I spit. She stands there. She doesn't look angry. She looks sad. Only it's not sadness. Now I know why this look is making me mad, it's pity.
"What are you looking at?" I continue.
"Things aren't working out with Steven?" She asks calmly. "Tell me what's wrong," she's so calm. It makes it worse. It makes all of my anger worse. Why can't she get mad? Why can't she just get angry? She sounds like my mom. She's just brushing what she's pulling under the rug. How stupid.
"Why are you eyeing that tranny kid?" I continue, avoiding her questions.
"Joe. I understand you're upset but taking your anger out on her won't fix this," she shakes her head.
"Oh it's a she, is it?" I laugh coldly.
"Joe. I've been waiting with baited breathe for you to come up to me and tell me what a mistake it was to leave me and that you want to try again. Or maybe you'd apologize for all of the damage. You want to try again. I waited for you. I spent long waiting for you. And this is why you're talking to me? Because I'm moving on?You haven't changed a bit. Youre just looking out for you," the words are sad and angry, but not fiery like mine. Her words are painted in sadness, in a sad heartbroken bitterness.
"If she came up to you and started badgering you about us, you'd say it's not her place. Hell, now that we're broken up you're not my significant other so now it's not your place to even ask me about that stuff. I know you're concerned about her safety, and there are ways to help educate her, but this is not something that just gets brushed under the rug and goes away after she plays boy for a day. She just wants to be herself. And she has to get to know what that means. And if it means she makes a decision you don't agree with. Pray. Just pray. Don't give her Shit and call her slurs because you're angry that the world has been throwing you lemons," aliana has never looked so cold. So mad. So calculated.
"You're being retarded," I snap. She looks like I've slapped her across the face.
"Have a good senior year joe," she smiles and then walks away. The earth shatters underneath me.

She walks away and leaves me. This time she left me. I thought I'd get my shit together in the end and we'd work it out. I thought we'd make it in the end. I thought eventually once I had a prosthetic I could ask her out again.

Not now.

I've lost my leg and my girl and my future. Why am I even alive anymore?

Maybe my dad is right, maybe I am the retard.