Different colored minds

He still loves you

ALIANA POV

To say I'm happy is an understatement. I've never felt so loved or blessed.
"Should we go on a date this Friday?" I look into Abelle's beautiful eyes.
"I'd love that," I smile.
"But baby, at some point I have to meet your parents, and you'd have to meet mine." She states. I can feel my face fall.
I take a deep breath.
"What's wrong?" She looks at me with her dow like eyes.
"Abelle you know I'm Christian." She laughs.
"Yeah,"
"I don't want you to think God doesn't love you because of the what my parents think of us. I think he loves us just the way we are. And specifically he loves you, just the way you are." She laughs.
"I don't think so, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell. I mean, he put me in a male's body at birth."
"He put you on this earth though, right? And he's in it for your soul right? Not the package you come in."
"Then why did he make me feel so strongly that I had to change my body, that it didn't fit me?"
"I don't think he gave you that. I think he gave you a great personality, and the will power to endure adversity. Isn't that what being transgender is all about? Being yourself, no matter the package?"
"I don't know Aliana. I mutilated the body he gave me, that's what other people say."
"So does everyone else some way or another, what makes the way you did it so different?"
"Because they want me to stay in the body I was born in."
"What do you want?"
"I want to be a girl."
"Then keep talking to god. God's working on what he wants to work on in you if you let him. Maybe it's different from what other people want Him to work on in you, but then again, it's not up to them, is it?" She looks at me. "God loves you, always has, always will. He wants your soul, not your outsides."
"Do you really think so?"
"I know so," I smile. "I wouldn't be myself if I didn't see you be yourself first. I think you're strong and hot and awesome." I can see tears building in her eyes.
"What if he doesn't want me? What if I die and then he says I didn't do enough. And I wasn't following him and that I didn't do enough."
"If you believe he died for you he's covering you. Fix the pieces that you feel convicted about first, deal with that part."
"But I don't feel convicted that I'm doing the wrong thing with my body."
"So why let yourself be stressed about what he's not telling you to change right now. He'll let you know what to work on, and even if you failed every day of your life he'd still love you even then. Because he sees you're trying to serve him. Because he already paid for you, all of you, not just one piece."
"What if he doesn't want me?"
"Who told you he doesn't want you?"
"All the other Christians,"
"Then that's what God's working on in them. Christians aren't perfect, but Christ is."
"But what about your parents?"
"They can think whatever they'd like. They are free to do so, but it doesn't change the fact that Jesus died for you, and he loves you."
"But I..."
"It's not a gift with strings attached baby. That's why it's called love."
"But I'm.... I have so much other stuff, what if, what if I'm not enough, what if it's just not enough and he doesn't want me."
"Baby, he wouldn't die for you if he didn't want you."
"Then why did he make me this way?"
"Because he saw it as beautiful."
"But I'm so broken."
"I know. He still wants you."
"But I can't even pay him back."
"You don't need to."
"Then why did he die for me? Why would he do that? If I won't give anything in return."
"Because he loves you."
"But..."
"Abelle, he will ALWAYS love you. He will ALWAYS be there. And he will ALWAYS want you."

And I realize why god let me struggle with gender disphoria. It's this moment. It's for moments like this. But I'm proud to be a woman. God put me in this body and I know he has plans for me in this body. I know I could transition, but god made me a girl to show others girls what we can do. Im not saying I think I have to be girly. Im not saying I have to be anything. I just. I want to prove I can make it and be proud of the body I'm in just the way that I was made.

Im always too thin. Maybe I always will be. And maybe I'll always be more attracted to girls than boys. But isn't that a decision for me to make. Isn't that a decision for MEEEEE. why is that even their's to talk about?

Talk about being a straight. Talk about what you like about it. Talk about the good parts about it. Talk about the sacrifices you make for your partner. Talk about you. Then people will open up when they are ready to. They can talk about why they didn't like being "straight". They can have a conversation. They can talk LIKE CIVILIZED HUMAN BEINGS.

Until people can do that, there's no point talking to deaf ears. Telling someone to be more compassionate. To be more understanding when they don't want to give an inch. I understand. I mean my first thought is Joe. He's so dead set on being straight and that stuff but I've never heard him talk about God with that much passion. He never talks about the other shit. The good shit god does every day for every single one of us when we don't deserve shit.

Instead.

He's joe. He's stuck and doesn't want to talk. He's disgusted. And pitying. And no one wants to have a conversation with someone that thinks they're disgusting.