Different colored minds

Why he smokes

STEVEN POV

I gulp. Sitting next to me in my car is Jeremy. Not just him. He has Adrian in the back, and Todd who's another football player. And a kid I don't even know.
"Thanks for picking us up from school today, let's go find a place out in the fields we can light up." He's looking out of the window and drumming his fingers against a large black case.
I only agreed to this because Adrian and Todd were already coming. I shove my key into the ignition and turn it. Who knew Jeremy grew up to be a stoner like me.

The drive itself isn't long, in fact it passes rather quickly to our destination.
I throw the car in park and roll down all of the windows. I hear a zipping sound and turn around to see Jeremy pull a speaker out of his bag.
"We gotta listen to music while we're doing this. It's the only way," he smiles. I watch as his thumbs slide on the screen of his phone clicking the play button.
"They're called steely Dan, they're one of my favorites," he smiles, white and glossy teeth showing.
And then his hands fumble with the box nearby. He pulls out the bong and sets it out so he can get the grinder.
"How long have you been smoking weed?" I ask from the front.
"Started when I was thirteen." Heathers says. We look over at him.
"Weed saved my life. I was angry before. My life hasn't been easy. But now, now I have freedom."
His eyes are dark when he says this. It's weird hearing them talk about weed. People look at it like it will save you from the unhappiness. My parents say it's an idol.
"My parents are controlling— it's my only out." He adds.
"Are you getting out of the house after you graduate?" I understand this feeling. My dad and mom feel this way to me. I think it's why joe and I stuck to eachother. We needed an escape.
"I don't buy it," I finally say. "I don't think you can buy happiness Jeremy."
He looks at me.
"What else would give you happiness?"
"My parents say God," I say. He chuckles.
"Your parents? I asked you,"
"Well," and that's what it takes to realize it. I'm not happy. I've never been happy. I don't know what it means to be happy in the least.
"Do you think your parents are right? That God has a good end set aside for us?"
"Some of us at least," I mutter.
"So you don't think he has good set aside for you?"
"I don't think I deserve good set aside for me."
"Who made you feel that way?"
"What?" My stomach is knotting. Who? I've never thought of why I feel that way. If someone made me feel that way.
"Never mind. Hey Adrian, my lighter's out. Got one?"
"Yeah sure," Adrian tosses him a lighter.
"How about you Adrian. What gives you happiness?"
"I don't want happiness. I think it's dumb. Now get a move on," he grunts. Jeremy laughs.
"So basically weed is happiness for me. What about you kid?" He turns to the fourth member in the car. He's small. Smallest on the team.
"I don't know. I think I agree with steven's parents."
"I see," he laughs sardonically before he presses his lips against the top of the bong. He hates it. He hates all of it. I can see it in his eyes.

Why do I feel like I should hate myself?
Who made me hate myself?
It's not that it's a hard question to answer, it's hard to know what to do after knowing the answer.
My dad makes me hate myself.
My peers make me hate myself.
My head makes me hate myself.
It's not like I can just leave my house. It's not like I can leave the team now. It's not like I can lob my head off when the thoughts get too dark.
I have to survive myself somehow. I have to make it through every fucking night that no one cares that I'm alive. I have to live through every fucking moment.
If I tell them all they make me hate myself and make me want to die they'll try and keep me alive. It always happens that way, but people who want me alive are okay with me just surviving. If I actually pursue what I want I get trampled on more. I just have to be good enough. Good enough to do exactly what they want and then when they're done with me I can pick something else to chase after.
"The first bell rings in 15 minutes," the scrawny kid in the back states.
"We should head to campus," he squirms. And so we do so. It's as I'm turning into campus that I see Joe looking after a point in the distance. When I park the car I see it, i see them. Aliana and the trans girl in the grade.
It makes me laugh.
Heathers looks from me to them.
"What's so funny?"
"Revenge really is that sweet in the end isn't it. He didn't want me now she doesn't want him. He didn't want me and now no one wants him..." I'm in a good mood. A better mood than I have been in forever.
I hear another laugh. This one is heathers. He slaps me on the back.
"I'm glad you're being honest about what you want," he states.
I blink.
What I want?
What is that supposed to mean?
I don't want Joe to have friends? I mean that's true, but that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?
I mean he isn't friends with me because he didn't care enough and now he's losing other people because he didn't care enough. He just doesn't want to admit that they're all right.  He doesn't want to admit that he's wrong. That other people can be right. The thought makes me laugh. He deserves it.