Dark Night of the Soul

Chapter 25

You know I can't smile without you

Stupid worktop. I keep telling him to use the coasters, especially with Ribena. It's always me that has to clean up, isn't it?

I can't smile without you

'World's Best Mum.' They can tell me I'm the world's best mum if it's written on a mug but would they even notice if I disappeared?

I can't laugh and I can't sing

Oh God, they'd have to play this today of all days wouldn't they? 'Do you, Jenny Tarpey take this man, James Livesey, to be your lawful wedded wife?' I bet I couldn't fit into that dress these days. Once I've finished here I'll dig it out. I looked so good in that dress. Now look at me.

I'm finding it hard to do anything

My knees. I really must get them looked at. Just climbing these stairs hurts. Good job I have my duster with me. I can't stand dusty skirting. There, that's better, although bending hasn't done my knees any favours. I will just rest here awhile. I have always liked sitting on the stairs.

Everyone laughed when we chose Manilow for our first dance. We pretended it was a bit of a joke. But really, those words meant everything to us. Everything. I wrote them out and put them in a frame.

You came along just like a song

And brightened my day

Who would have believed that you were part of a dream

Now it all seems light years away

It was a relief in the end though I suppose. For him at least. How could he have been happy in that wheelchair? Those bastards said it was his fault but they knew that the scaffolding wasn't safe. I'd have taken care of him though. He was still my James. Now where's that dress? Oh, they're the shoes too? Still in good condition. One careful owner. Just about... there.. They always were half a size too small.

Ah here it is. Let's see how stretchy this lace is? Well, not too shabby, Jenny. You'll do!

Well, I'm finding it hard

Leaving your love behind me

Oh look at the time, I haven't had my lunch yet. Better hang on to the bannister. I'm not used to going downstairs in heels these days. I wonder if Bob'll be home for his lunch? I know, I'll just do an omelette.

I could make an omelette with my eyes closed. I must have made a thousand over the years. Touch of water, sprinkle of salt. Careful not to spill any egg on my dress. I really must change out of it. I feel such a sentimental fool.

Nice hot pan. Lovely. Bob likes an omelette too, followed by an enormous bowl of cereal. Where is Bob? It gives me the creeps when he is gone for so long. I always feel uneasy these days. I can't see myself ever feeling like myself again. Not with everything that has happened. There is only so much loss that one person can take.

Rinse the pan, dry up, polish the worktop again. Turn the radio up. Oh God, I can't believe it.

When I was young

I never needed anyone

And makin' love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Well this is going to set me off isn't it? What was it Proust had? Cup of tea and a madeleine? Look at me. Omelette in my old wedding dress! All by myself.

Livin' alone

I think of all the friends I've known

But when I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

At least I can still make a decent omelette.

All by myself

Don't want to be, all by myself anymore

All by myself

Don't want to live, all by myself anymore

The End

The world is yours, as well as ours, but in the last analysis, it is yours. You young people, full of vigour and vitality, are in the bloom of life, like the sun at eight or nine in the morning. Our hope is placed on you.