A Place in the Middle

5

I was lost. I had nowhere to go. I had nothing else except for one thing... And it's my piano. It's like a chain that's forbidding me to do anything else, to be anything else. I badly wanted to do something different but I didn't know what that is. I got stuck with music so I decided to take that path. It was a painful reminder that this is the only thing I could do, the only thing I was really good at. But now, I don't think I'm any better.

I remember the time when I wanted to stop. I was begging my mom to let me take another program, just not this one but she wouldn't let me. I would understand because she had sacrificed a lot but I was so tired already. My aunt, mom's sister, knew about it so he went to talk to me.

She said it was not a question anymore if I want the program or not. She said that my mom did not ask me why I wanted music because I was so determined back then. Well, yes because for the first time, I had a plan. And I planned to be free. Free from all the chains that was stopping me from knowing what I want out of life.

"Eliana, ituloy mo para sa mommy mo. Kahit para sa mommy mo nalang." he said. I couldn't do anything about it so I nodded.

My mom supported my piano lessons in preparation for the audition. 'Yung biyahe papunta sa Manila at pabalik sa probinsya every week at bagong piano. I was reminded again about the expenses because I chose this decision. Somehow I had to pay it all back. So when I passed Queenstein with a full scholarship, I had no bills to settle. It was a way to give back my mom's sacrifices. But as time went by, I felt my passion fading that it made me wonder if it was passion at all... If I even had passion for anything.

I was so determined to do well at the beginning. I worked hard for this scholarship, so it's only natural to keep going with what I started. But as I studied, I became more aware of how much I lacked in skills. I never really belonged with musicians, even with other pianists. They were giving me compliments, but all I felt was pressure. I felt I was being left behind.

Ngayong magth-third year na ako, hindi na ako open sa mga nararamdaman ko. Natuto nalang ako makisama kasi 'yung iba patuloy lang sila sa paglalakad kaya wala akong magawa kundi ang sumabay. I would be a burden if I did tell them. I was going through it alone. Wala akong masandalan. I was exhausted from practicing the same piece, the same section again and again. It felt as if my ears were about to bleed and I didn't want to hear my playing anymore but I had to endure it so I could survive.

As much as I want to have a strong mentality, it was so hard. Pero dito ko talaga masasabi na I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best to be mentally strong and I think I'm doing a good job trying to because I was still here. I was still alive. I wanted to give myself credit for that because no one would. This was what I had always been feeling for almost 3 years.

"Hey."

I looked at him in confusion when he handed me his handkerchief. He was looking at me with concern in his eyes.

"You're crying." he said softly.

Hinawakan ko ang pisngi ko at naramdaman ang luha roon. I didn't even notice I was already tearing up. I chuckled and took the handkerchief to wipe my tears.

"Zen." I whispered.

He leaned his elbows on the table and moved forward. "Hmm?"