A Place in the Middle

6

Love.

I didn't know what that was but I knew it was a wonderful word I read from one of the books in my mom's library. I thought that love will only ever exist if two people have mutual feelings. If only one of them had feelings for the other, then it was not love. I was 5 years old back then and this was my concept of love.

"Eliana baby, come here!" Mom called me so I ran towards her. The sand was warm when I sat beside her. We were at the beach, my mom reading a book and my dad grilling food.

"Mommy, what are you reading?" I asked, looking at the title of the book. Love's Sorrow.

"It is a story of someone who still loves even if they got hurt."

"Why would love hurt, mommy?"

"Because we can't escape it. Loving someone also meant risking your heart to get hurt."

I thought my parents loved me so much that they wanted me locked up in my room so I would not injure myself while playing outside. I thought that they were both in love because they were always out together for work. Not until I saw my mom walking towards me while I was playing with my dolls. She was mad and glaring at me, her finger pointing at the side of her lips where I saw blood.

"Kita mo ba ang ginawa ng daddy mo?! Itanong mo kung bakit niya ito ginawa sa'kin!"

I didn't know what was happening. I was so confused that I couldn't speak and just stayed still at daddy's side. He was looking at nowhere. I was not angry, I just wanted to know why he hurt her. Then that was when it all started.

He started going home late, drunk and in a foul mood. He was always drunk and would hurt us. He even made a bamboo stick specifically for that. I didn't know why he was so mad. We couldn't even lock the doors at night so he wouldn't have to knock or call because when we did, he almost broke the door down.

"Huwag kang malikot!" He pinched my thighs so hard that the nails were digging deep into my skin. I was just trying to sleep in a comfortable position.

There were times when my mom argued with him but he picked up the bamboo stick and hit her leg with it. He did it in front of me. "Sumasagot ka?"

That happened so often that it became normal to me. When they were shouting, our driver would carry me to the garage so I wouldn't hear them. My mom just got back from an out of town business and she caught my dad singing at the karaoke with a bottle of beer on his other hand. I was confused at first... But it eventually turned into fear.

"Sir! Tama na po!" I saw our maid, Ate Esther, shielding me away from my dad who was about to hit me. I think I was already 7. I could clearly remember the scent of alcohol and cigarette smoke and I would get scared. Ate Esther was always there to protect me. I was always sleeping inside her room whenever my dad was drunk.

I hated alcohol so much. But I can't hate daddy because I was scared of getting hurt again. Instead, I started questioning mommy... Why is she putting up with all of these? I don't want to be dumb like her.

I didn't want to love because this is where it got me. I was always hurt. I thought that if I could escape being in love, then I would also be able to escape getting hurt. It didn't matter if I grew old alone, as long as I was happy with myself.

"So happy for you!!"

"Congratulations!"

"Congrats, pare! Libre naman dyan oh!"

I smiled while clapping with them. Nagkwento si Zen about sa new project niya and may makakawork siya na sikat na commercial model. Napakamot naman siya sa batok niya at nahihiyang nagpasalamat.