deja vu~ miraculous

20 | trauma

Ladybug
After Chat Noir went home, Ladybug stayed on the rooftop a little longer. She told him she would wait for him there until he came back saying everything was okay.

She took the time to herself to think about everything. Her feelings for Adrien, for Chat Noir, everything that had happened. She had almost told Adrien she loved him, the same day she confessed to Chat Noir that she loved him. That wrong in so many ways, wasn't it?

She still worried about Adrien and his father. She hadn't found either of them, but after she threw up her lucky charm the mansion had been restored to its usual prestige, so she had to assume they were okay. Chat Noir had promised her that he would check in while he was gone, despite her protests that she would be fine on her own. "I'm going right by there," he had said. "Don't you worry LB- I got it covered." She had rolled her eyes and sat down grumpily.

A soft thud brought her back to the present, and she turned to see Chat Noir, his face a mixture of relief, love, and sadness.

"Ladybug, can I ask you something?" He asked. "Of course," she said, concerned. "What's up?"

He stepped closer to her, so close she could feel his breath on her cheeks. "You knew who Chat Blanc was before you met him yesterday. How?"

Her eyes widened, and she stepped back, taken aback by the question. "W-what?"

"You had met him before, hadn't you?"

"I- I-"

She felt like she couldn't breathe. She had nightmares about him, about him destroying the world, destroying love- destroying her.

He could sense her fear and unease, and he took her hands gently as she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Please Ladybug. I need to know. That thing... that was me. I need to make sure nothing like that never happens again."

"He wasn't a thing," she said quietly. "He was a broken hearted cat who was tearing himself apart inside. He was trapped in his own fear- hating what he was doing but not having the strength to stop himself. He was in love. He was beautiful. But he was broken. And that ended the world."

She looked away, her eyes glassy. "He knew who I was. He kept yelling Ma- my name, and I swam away, trying to escape. I saw Hawkmoth, destroyed into nothing but dust. Then I- I saw-" she turned to him, her eyes filled with tears. "Myself."

His eyes widened. "Why? How is that even-"

"It isn't," she said bitterly. "It was all my fault, Chat Noir. My fault."

Her fists clenched as the memories flooded back, crisper than ever after facing Reliver. "I delivered a gift to one of my closest friends- as Ladybug. I signed it with my civilian name, and he found out who I was. He must have told someone, and it spread like wildfire- eventually reaching Hawkmoth himself. Once he knew- it caused the end of the world."

She turned away, walking over to the balcony overlooking the city. He followed her silently, scared that even one word could break her. "Our love did this to the world, M'Lady."

He looked up at her, tears streaming down her cheeks. "That's what he told me. Before everything spun out of control. Before everything was over."

She collapsed into his arms, erupting in sobs. Her head hurt- her body hurt- her heart hurt. When will things get better? When will everything be okay again? Maybe it never had been. Maybe she had buried her pain with her love for Adrien, and had completely overlooked the deep hurt in her heart after facing Chat Blanc.

She did love Chat Noir. She loved how he could make her laugh and how protective he was of her. But she wouldn't let herself. For months she rejected him over and over again because of her love for Adrien- because she refused to accept the fact that she may have loved two people at the same time. She buried the secret feelings so that she could focus on her fantasies- but never considered other outcomes.

She knew though- that she could never be with either of them. She would always have feelings for one or the other, and it would end up the same way with Adrien as it had with Luka- he would learn she had secrets, and he would leave her too.

With Chat Noir- love was too dangerous. She would love him more and more every day, and eventually would ask to know his identity. She would cause the end of the world. Again.

"Chat Noir- whatever happens between us- between us with anyone for that matter- we can NOT know each other's secret identities. Promise me."

"Ladybug I-"

"PROMISE ME!"

He closed his eyes, and when he spoke it was so quiet it was almost inaudible.

"Okay."