One Million Tiny Things

Honey

Hey Honey,
I know it's been a while.  I was actually managing pretty well all these days. But you know today was Gertie's girl's House warming party.

Everyone was there dear and the memories hit hard. You know everytime this happens it's like doing cocaine for the first time.

It's a roller coster of emotions starting with nervous anticipation at seeing people who I once used to have no problem skinny dipping with, but rarely even say good morning to anymore.

And then the memories come back. It's like standing on the railway track in the Brooklyn subway at rush hour. The sheer force with which they hit you has you tripping and desperately grabbing at the strongest drinks in the bar.

And then the beer talks and dances. And I'm perfectly fine, on top of the world. And for a second... just a second I forget that your not here. I look around and see the couples dancing and expect you to come through the door with that baby-I'm -right here-smile and ask me to dance too.

But you won't will you? Ever again. But you could have. If it wasn't for that awful Friday.  I know I have no right to complain but it hurts. And I miss you. Even though it was all my fault. You would have never left me by choice, that's not the way you work, you'd fight for what you love until your last breath. That's was exactly what happened wasn't it?

I see the judgement in their eyes sometimes you know. Like they think I'm some villain who tore their family apart. Maybe they don't really mean it but I can hardly blame them. Not when I know just how wrong I was. How stupid I was.

I found gold in plain dirt. A diamond in the rough. Someone perfect. Everyone's dream guy. Mr. Right. And I killed him.

We had a fairytale didn't we? Before I ruined it.

Aunt Mera was also there tonight. Yep, she choked on a blueberry muffin. Just like she did the first time we met,  cousin Ivan's wedding and every social event since then. It's been nearly 25 years you know. The event of this year should have been our Silver Anniversary. But we can't ever have that. Will never have that.

Hern graduated high school this year. I keep waiting for your ghost to appear beside her in the pictures. They look so different from those from her grade school graduation when we were standing either side our little angel.

Oh, also I'm sorry Teddy but I'm not sure if I can send her anymore. I know that was the plan all along and probably the best for her. But sue me, I'm selfish. I'd always thought that I'd have you when they were gone. But what now? Who thought that you'd be gone so soon? And worse that I'd be the one to push you out. Not me... not in a million years.

I thought we'd live together forever. Send our kids off and have a nice peaceful retirement hotel nights, tropical vacations, Mediterranean cruises... you know... the full package.

But I really don't want to do any of it alone. It all just looks bland, not the sparkly glamorous fairytale end we worked for.  So lonely. George comes back from India every three months or so but I don't know how I can cope with Hernie gone too. Its going to be so lonely.

Did I tell you that Hernie found herself a boyfriend? Nice guy, Thompson or something. Of course I'm not overjoyed because it's just another reason for her to leave me, but atleast our little girl will be safe at college if they go together.

Besides we can hardly talk, huh? Fate really has a strange way of twisting life together. You ever think what would have happened if we hadn't got in to the same college.  I mean cousin Ivans wedding was a crazy night and love at first sight or whatever.  But hardly think it would have been possible to be here without those four years of breathing the same air. What ever here is anyway. Thought it sounded nice.

Those days were fun. Not a care in the world . Just you and me. Remember when we went rock climbing,  coral collecting, bungee jumping, sky-diving.... God how that list goes on. We really were reckless. Strange how I lost you in the most mundane yet brutal way possible. Do you think we wasted those last few years for a golden future that would never be ours? I mean we did have fun, but somewhere along the lines it's like we got boring... domesticated. But then we would not have had George and Hern if we hadn't and its hard to ever regret those two cherubs.

I know if you were here you would have asked me to move on. But it's hard Teddy. Hern tried to get me on these dating appetisers or something but no one rivals you. Not even close.

So I sit at home writing letters to the one man who could always read me like a book. And add all the best side notes that made the ending more worthwhile than usual.

Love,
Dorathy.

P.S. It's nearly been a month since the last letter, almost a new record, maybe I'm moving on.

P.P.S. I love you to the moon and back Teddy. And don't worry dear, if ever by chance when we meet again and I am dating a fling from an appetiser I'd gladly fling it far away for you because true love always wins.