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I did just as i said. I've waited for him, and I still am. I've mostly stuck to myself inside and outside of school. I've visited the Gallaghers, occasionally when my brother is out of the house of course. He's been eyeing me like a hawk to be honest. Ever since Carls sentencing, he vouched to keep me in the house apart from school. He said himself if he ever caught me outside of the house he'd beat my ass. But, i don't care. Honestly, ever since Carl left off for Juvie, i've felt this empty hole inside of me. One that just can't be filled or replaced.
I've felt like this for months now, and considering i'm not allowed to leave the house ever doesn't help. I think i've definitely hit rock bottom now if I haven't already. Life feels so draining, and all I have the energy for is sleeping, getting up for the bathroom, then going right back to sleep. My brother gave me back my phone a few months ago, but it doesn't help anything.
I sigh, walking down the steps slowly, i kind of hoped he wasn't here, but he was. He was attending college from home, virtually. And i hated it. He's occasionally go up there for certain things, but mostly stayed at home. He was typing, but stopped to look up at me. I already knew I looked a mess. I haven't brushed my hair in days, i have on a random shirt and a pair of shorts, and i don't look well overall.
"Can i go down to the gallaghers?" I ask, knowing what his answer would be. "No." he says blankly, looking back down at his computer. "You're a dick." i say plainly. "Maybe if you hadn't chose to smuggle drugs with someone you wouldn't be in this position right now." I laugh to myself. "I think i'm actually going crazy." i say smiling, but knew i was being serious. "What? You doing drugs now too?" he scoffed.
"Stop treating me like some monster that i'm not." i say, looking over at him. "You act like i murdered somebody. And if we're being technical, i didn't help. I just walked with them." He sighs, "I treat you like one because you are. You've become a horrible person. I love you, but, you've changed. For the worse." most of me wanted to cry, because regardless of how many times i've heard insults in my life, i'm still sensitive.
"No.. i'm not. You don't understand anything i'm going through, and you refuse to." i say. I've cried out for help numerous times, i've shown how much pain i'm in, but he treats it as if it's nothing. "What you're going through? You're fine, you're acting like you're going to die because you can't leave the house and act up. I've tried to understand you, so many times. But, i can't. You choose to be this way." he says.
"And what is that?" i say furrowing a brow. "Difficult." he says quickly and nonchalantly. "I love you, to death. But, you've been acting out, for a while now. You got so close with that boy, then, you just changed. You become this person who chose to follow everyone else's orders instead of her own. You did this to yourself, and eventually you'll realize that." he says.
"Im going. I don't care what you have to say." He sighs, putting his computer down. "No, you're not." he says, walking towards the door. "Yes, I am." i argue, walking towards the door myself. "You walk out that door, you're not allowed back in." he says, glaring at me. "You'll have to feen for yourself. Learn to live like an adult since you wanna act like one." he says. I think he expected me to feel scared, to walk back. "Time to follow my own orders, instead of everyone else's." i say, slamming the door behind me.
I walked down to the gallaghers, ignoring my brothers words. Once i reach their door, i walk in. I don't care to knock anymore, and neither do they. "Hey, Fi." i say with a smile. I see her face lighten up. "Hey, kid. How've you been? It's been a minute." I nod and chuckle. "I know. I've.. been." i say. "You finally ungrounded?" she asks. I shook my head.
I wanted to tell her what my brother said, about how i wasn't allowed back in the house. But, i didn't. She already has so much to worry about, i don't want to add onto it. "He.. he's letting me have a free day since i've been locked up for so long. Gotta be back in by tonight though." i lied through my teeth, laughing nervously. I don't know if he was being honest about what he said, not letting me back in. But i doubt it. He wouldn't be that selfish. Right?
"That's good! I'm glad he's finally letting you out. You deserve it. You've been locked up in the house so long you may as well be serving the same sentence as carl." i laugh quietly, thinking about him. I miss him, way more than i've cared to express. I haven't had the chance to, actually.
I can't wait till he's out, to just be with him again. It'll just be a few more months, then i'll have him to myself again. "I'm gonna go up and use the bathroom." i say, walking up the stairs, "Alright, i'll be in the kitchen." she says. "Okay." i say, making my way to the bathroom. I sigh as i shut the door behind me, sitting down on the floor. I sat there for a few minutes till i heard talking downstairs, and i wanted to investigate.
I open the door, and quietly walk down the steps, but i stop in my tracks as i see an all too familiar face. "G dogg picked me up from Kewanee this morning, drove me back up." he says. Carl looks over towards the stairs, finally noticing me. I was stuck in shock as i walked down the steps, i couldn't tell what exactly i was shocked about. Whether it was the fact he was home, way earlier than i expected. Or, his new look.
Either way, once i reached him, i quickly wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him tight. I wanted to close my eyes, to cry and bawl my eyes out in front of him. But i didn't, i maintained myself. His arms wrapped around my torso, pulling me in. "Fuck.. you're back. How? I thought you still had like a few months left?" i ask, but my words were slightly mumbled due to laying my head in the crook of his neck.
"Good behavior." he said shortly. His voice definitely dropped. "You two must be hungry, i can make something." Fiona suggested. "Nah, we hit Popeyes on the way back. I'm straight." his arms fell from my torso back to his side, so i took that as my cue to let go. But, it surprised me. I guess i got used to him holding me even longer than I held him. "Could i have a friend sleep over?" he asks. "Is it G-Dogg?" she asks, stepping forward. "Nah, just a kid I met." he says. "A kid? Sure." she says with a smile. "That'd be great. And.. we should have a party. A welcome home party! Right the whole family." "Yeah." he agrees with a smile.
"Does that sound good?" she asks. "Okay." he says nodding. She still had a smile on her face. Through everything, i can tell fiona has more than love for her siblings. "It's really great to have you home." "Yeah. It's good to be home."
