(TW: Horror(?), hallucinations, fear, mentions of suicide, mentions of alcohol)
This place is odd. The air, people, buildings- even the sky feels like it's going to fall on top the world. At night I feel like there's something or someone in my room. All the time and everywhere I go I feel like I'm being stalked. It used to be so normal up until a few days ago- or weeks- or months.. I can't remember any more. Everywhere I gives me a dreadful feeling. I feel breathing down my neck and I hear chanting and whispers in my room and when I'm alone. I ran away from home after my adoptive family decided to give up on me. I ran away from everyone. I didn't know where I ran too but I'm here now and I want to leave. The people here keep their mouths shut and they just look around with paranoia as if they're worried about something I don't understand. As I'm writing this I can feel a loud drumming noise in my head and screaming and sometimes some animal noises. I think I'm going insane. I don't know what's happening to me. Everything feels so wrong and it's scaring me.
A few days ago someone actually talked to me, a homeless man that slept in the alleyway near me. He smelled like alcohol and it looked like he didn't take a shower in days, which was probably true. He told me that I looked like I saw a ghost and have had this expression for a while. I told him that I have been feeling unnerved lately with how the public has been acting and then I proceeded to open up about all of my worries. Archons, why did I even do that? I explained all of my anxieties to a random homeless guy, why should I even be talking to useless people like him? Why did I even reply? Whatever- his answer is something I've been thinking about and has been living rent free in my head. He said that nobody really lived here and the people who did, they didn't really seem paranoid at all and they would talk to eachother- so basically I'm making no sense to this guy. I'm so confused and everything is causing a bad feeling in my gut. What does he mean that barely nobody lived here?! I see people here everyday in crowds and they all look at me! They never stop looking! Every time I go out I feel their eyes burning into the back of my head and I'm so convinced that I'm in Hell right now! I want out of this place but I never have enough motivation to do so.
It's as if I'm being possessed. The noises won't stop and the drumming has gotten louder. In the corner of my eye I see a white figure in the mirror but when I look at it it disappears. I feel like a lunatic! This is a nightmare! I've gotten no sleep because this feeling in my gut that someone is in my room and the voice in my head won't shut up. I've completely given up on sleeping for more than 3 hours and I look dead because of it. I can't really explain what the white figure looks like but it has dark, soulless eyes- maybe they don't have eyes- but either way it feels like they follow me. Even if I put a blanket over it, it's still there- the feeling of sheer dread. Their face looks like it's melting and rotting as I write this. And I thought after the incident that happened at school was bad- this is even worse! Actually... Now that I think about it, the school incident happened partially because of that weird demon I shook hands with. Ever since I encountered that demon my life has been going into a downward spiral- voices, noises, hallucinations, and incredible amounts of paranoia and panic. That stupid hell spawn- it's probably why I'm seeing things! I wish I never even summoned it ever. I hope it dies. It makes me feel awful.
People say that if you have a vision then you'll live life filled with ambition and you should feel grateful to the gods for it. But... Whenever I look at mine I feel.. empty. Every time I look at I feel like a monster. If I didn't have this thing then everyone would still be alive. Does everything in my life have to have more bad than good? Am I cursed to have a life where I just suffer? What did I do wrong to get such a pitiful life? I think I'm losing sense of who I am more every day. I don't even feel human anymore. I'm just a vessel for a demon now. A monster. A murderer. I shouldn't have ever been born, I don't do anything after all. Why did I even get a vision? I'm not worth even a paperclip so why did the gods give me a vision. This must've been a mistake- maybe they were testing me or the vision? I want to be productive and get a job that would make people love me- maybe I could follow my dream of working with magic- but of course, a useless ghoul like me has no idea how. Maybe I should just give up and take a swan dive off of the roof of a building, but at the same time I'm too much of a coward and can't bring myself to do it.
When will my life get better? When will I look better? When will I stop being tormented by my mind? When will everyone just leave me alone? The room feels heavy with fear and grief. I feel like there are chains holding me back and every time I move they grow heavier. I usually don't believe this stuff but if there is any god then please help me.
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