Maybe Before Today

Chapter 10

     The next morning, every time I had ever felt anxious and every horrible thing my mum had said on the subject all seemed to have cultivated and it exploded. I didn't feel like I could leave my bed, never mind go to school and actually interact with other people. Unsurprisingly, my mum was having none of it.
     My dad tried to let me stay home without her knowledge, but she heard him speaking to me, burst into the room and directed her anger at him. He tried to help me. He always does. But his 'deceit' (my mom's word), plus my reluctance to go to school, plus my mum's reluctance to acknowledge my anxiety, was not a recipe for anything but a screaming match between my parents, with me sat in the middle.
     My dad tried to shut her up, but my mum was stubborn.
     So, I got dressed as quickly as I could and ran.
     I barely spoke to Ziggs through our entire walk and the minute I got to English I just sat with my face in my hands trying not to cry. I knew they wanted to ask me what was wrong, but they had seen me the previous night and probably figured it would be best just to give me space.
     "Hey," Lex said awkwardly as she sat down. I started to get butterflies, I suspected because I was anxious anyway. There was, after all, a lot going on in my life that was causing me a great deal of anxiety.
     I sighed, "Hey."
     "You okay?"
     I sighed again.
     "I'll take that as a no. What's up?"
     "My mum is being a dick."
     "Now you're speaking my language."
     To my own surprise, and I guessed Lex's, I laughed. "It's like she deliberately says the things she knows will hurt me the most. Except her thoughts don't leave herself for long enough for her to actually think about that."
     "What's she saying?"
     "She and my dad won't stop fighting. It's really annoying. Sorry, I'm oversh-"
     "No, don't worry about it."
     "It's just so frustrating. Like, she's always been a little annoying but now she's just constantly being horrible. Then I didn't sleep at all last night, didn't have time to stop for coffee and today is gonna be absolute hell."
     "I was gonna say just sleep in class but I realised it would sound like a joke. And jokes probably aren't appropriate right now."
     I laughed, "No, please keep the jokes coming."
     "On it. Why did the chicken cross the road?"
     I looked at her incredulously. "You can do better than that."
     "Sorry. I panicked. Uhh... What is Ziggs wearing..." She glanced over. "Nope, those jeans are too cool to make fun of."
     "Oh! Yesterday they wore the smurf outfit again."
     "They didn't."
     "They did. But with different shoes."
     "To be fair, it's a nice outfit."
     "Exactly."
     Much to my dismay, the teacher walked into the class. I was pretty sure I had never been upset about having to stop socialising to do English work before.

     "How you doing?" Ziggs asked me at the end of English just before the bell.
     "A little better. Still exhausted."
     "Is there any chance-"
     "Yes, you can copy my essay at break."
     "Thanks."
     "Oh, and, Lex," I said, turning to her, "Can you help me with the homework we were to do for shop? I'm so confused."
     "Sure. It's pretty simple once you're into it but the sheet does explain it pretty badly."
     "Thanks."
     I knew she was saying that to make me feel better. I didn't understand anything about shop, not even the simple stuff. The sheet explained it fine, I just didn't understand.
     The bell went a few minutes later and the three of us rushed down to the bench outside. Ziggs took my essay and I took Lex's completed homework.

     "You wanna go get coffee?" Ziggs asked as I yawned on the way home.
     "God, yes. I think I needed it about seven hours ago but better late than never."
     "How much did you sleep last night?"
     "Not very much."
     "Alice..."
     "You're not one to talk."
     "Okay, that's fair. But still."
     "Yeah. I know."
     We walked into Beanies, the little bell on the door ringing as we went in. One of my dad's coworkers, Paul, was standing at the counter and laughing at something the barista had said.
     "Hey Alice, Ziggs," they said, trying to compose himself.
     "Hey, Paul," I said whilst Ziggs waved. They were a little awkward, but I'd always liked them. Ziggs had always loved him because he helped them through their gender crisis when he used to babysit us.
     "Your dad told me you two are going to see Heathers next year. You excited?"
     "Yeah, I've been wanting to see it for years. Has he been playing the soundtrack at the office yet?"
     "Every day. It's driving me insane."
     I laughed. He never had liked musicals very much.
     They looked at their watch. "I've gotta run. It was good seeing you guys."
     "Yeah, you too."
     "Bye, honey," the barista said, leaning over the counter to kiss him on the cheek.
     "Bye, Emma."
     Waving quickly, he left with his coffee.
     Then the barista, Emma, turned to us. "What can I get you guys?"

     When we got home, I had started my coffee and was, as a result, a tiny bit less exhausted. Caffeine was great, but it certainly wasn't magic. It even more certainly wasn't enough to prepare me for dealing with my mother.
     "Bill, is that-" she called from the kitchen as I walked in. "Oh. Alice. It's you."
     "Hi. Ziggs and I are just gonna go out and-"
     She nodded at Ziggs. I could see the restrained anger in their eyes as they nodded back. "How was school?"
     "Fine."
     "Where are you going?"
     "Just gonna put our bags down and then go into the woods."
     "As long as you're home by dinner."
     I bit back the remark about how she was never home for dinner. I didn't want to make Ziggs uncomfortable. "Okay."
     We both put our bags down in the hallway and left.

     "God, I want to kill her," I said. "She is such a hypocrite. This is the first time she's been home before me in ages!" I felt my breathing begin to quicken. "Who the hell is she to tell me that I need to be home for dinner when she literally never is." My heart was starting to race. "Something's going on. I know it is. But she and my dad are trying to protect me. My dad wouldn't be this angry if there wasn't something."
     Suddenly, my hand was against a tree and I was leaning on it heavily, trying to catch my breath.
     "Alice, are you alright?"
     "I'm fine." Usually I was a good liar. Not that day.
     "Come on." They took my hand, making me sit down and sitting next to me.
     I looked up at them nervously as my chest tightened and my vision started to go blurry.
     "Alice, breathe."
     I really tried to.
     "It's okay. Just breathe."
     Keeping eye contact with them, I followed them as they did it. Within a few minutes, everything looked clearer and I was leaning back against a tree, completely exhausted again.
     "You okay?"
     I nodded. "I will be."

~

(A/N: I wrote a couple of the later chapters in this book and I'm desperate to post them so I finally came back to continue it! Updates are probably going to be very irregular since I have ✨exams✨ but I will keep updating when I can)