Maybe Before Today

Chapter 16

The next morning, I woke up with a knife protruding from my skull. There was no shouting coming from downstairs, thank god, but I was sure any noise would just drive it further in. I started to feel around my bedside table for my phone - or maybe hammer to finish the job - but instead felt something cold. Relief washing over me, I grabbed the bottle of water, opened it and poured it into my mouth or, more accurately, everywhere but. But I didn't really care as long as some of it ended up where it was supposed to.
Once the pain had eased off a little, I put the water down and dried my face. Aware that my mom could come in at any moment, I quickly changed into pyjamas and lay back down, closing my eyes. I didn't want to sleep again, but I didn't like the light.
But then my door opened. And I braced myself. But I relaxed when I heard my dad's voice.
"Alice, I know you're awake."
I sat up, pulling my knees up to my chest and taking another sip of my water. "Morning."
"It's half past twelve."
"Oh god."
"And we need to talk about last night."
"I know. I'm so sorry. I never should have-"
"No, you shouldn't. But that's actually not what I wanted to talk about.'
"Really? You're not gonna ground me or anything?"
He raised his eyebrows. "You want me to ground you?"
"No, but for future can I lie and say you have if I ever get invited to another one of those parties?"
"Go ahead."
"Cool."
"But last night... Are you okay? You seemed pretty upset."
I should have known that had been coming. "I'm fine. I was just-"
"Being drunk can't make anyone cry that much unless there's something else going on." He shuffled closer to me and his voice softened. "What is it?"
I shook my head. "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing."
"Dad, I'm fine."
"Alice, you-"
The front door opened. And he sighed.
"This isn't over."
I said nothing as he walked out of my room. I just took another sip of water and grabbed my phone. I had a missed call from Ziggs. And five from Lex. I called Ziggs back. And they picked up almost immediately.
"Alice. Hey. How you doing?"
"I'm all right. My dad knows."
"Crap."
"It's okay. He's more focused on why I was crying so much."
"Yeah. It was a lot."
"I know."
"Are you sure you're doing okay?"
"Yes."
"Okay. If you say you're okay, I'm not gonna push it."
"Thank you."
"But Lex said she was worried and you weren't answering her calls."
"I was asleep until a few minutes ago."
"Not surprised. But she seemed as though she really wanted to talk to you."
"I'll see her at school tomorrow."
"Look, I don't know what happened when you two were in the hallway last night, but-"
"Nothing happened!" I said, a little too quickly.
"Okay?"
"Sorry."
"It's okay. Just call her?"
I sighed, "Fine."
"Thank you. I've got to go, just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Well, I'm fine. See you tomorrow."
"Bye."
I did not want to call Lex. She would want to talk about the events of the previous night. And I was not ready. If I couldn't even tell Ziggs, how could I possibly talk to Lex about it?
But I wasn't left much of a choice. My phone started to ring. And I assumed Ziggs had told her I was awake. So I answered it.
"Alice. Thank god. I've been trying to call you all morning!"
"Yeah, well, I've been asleep."
"Ziggs told me."
I smiled at the fact that I had been right before realising what was coming.
"We really need to talk."
"Lex, I don't-"
"I know you-"
"How can you possibly know? I have no idea what happened."
"I wanted to apologise. If I pressured you-"
"No, no, you didn't. I... It's just..."
"Just what?"
"Lex... Can we talk about this in person? I don't wanna do this over the phone."
"I've gotta watch my sister. But if we meet at the park I can keep an eye on her while we talk."
"Okay. What time?"
"In an hour?"
"Okay."
"Okay. See you then."
"Yeah."
I hung up the phone, questioning what on earth I had gotten myself into.

An hour later, Lex was sitting on a swing next to her sister, who was holding a closed book. I walked over and Lex's expression changed when she saw me. She kept smiling, but she almost looked nervous. Then her sister looked up at me.
Lex stood up. "Hannah, this is my friend, Alice."
"Hey."
She smiled at me, then Lex and I walked to a picnic bench and Hannah opened her book.
"Does Ziggs know what happened last night?" Lex asked me.
"Lex, I hardly know what happened last night. I didn't tell them."
She sighed. "Okay. That's good."
"Why?"
"None of us know what happened; we're all on the same page."
I laughed weakly before saying "All I know is that we..."
"Kissed..."
"Why did you follow me out there?"
"To make sure you were okay. Why did you kiss me?"
"Why do you think?"
"I don't know what to think. Was that... Was it a real kiss or was it just a dare?"
"I..."
"Because I know what it was for me. And I need to know if you feel the same."
"I jus-"
"Just tell me, if you d-"
"Lex."
She looked at me.
I inhaled before looking down. "This stuff's all really confusing. I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't really know what's going on yet. But I do know that was more than just a dare."
She stared at me for a second. "If it was more than just a dare..."
"I wanted to do it." I couldn't quite believe the words coming out of my mouth.
"So, where exactly do we go from here?"
"I've not even told Ziggs yet. That I ... like..."
"I've not told anybody either. I didn't really know until a few months ago."
"I guess I've just never really thought about it much. With my best friend being non binary, I knew it would never be a huge deal to the people around me. But I never thought about how it would feel for me."
"How does it feel for you?"
I paused. "Like I don't know who I am. I know this shouldn't be such a big deal, but it feels like I'm lying to myself and everyone around me. I know it's stupid-"
"It's not stupid." She put her hand on top of mine and I felt like a tiny jolt of electricity was buzzing through my veins.
"I don't wanna lie anymore. I've spent so long telling myself this isn't real. That I just like you as a friend, but- It's different. It's not just as a friend."
She smiled hesitantly. "I like you too. In not just a friend way."
"So, where does that leave us?"
"It leaves us as two people who like one another in a way that's different to a friend way. A way that made us kiss last night. Quite often people who kiss-"
I cut her off by holding my finger to her lips. "I know what people who kiss often do," I said, smiling. "And, as long as you're talking about the same thing I'm thinking about, I think I wanna do that." I felt like someone had flipped a switch in my brain. It was like every muscle in my body had tensed and started to tingle. My throat went tight. My hands were trembling as I removed my finger from her lips.
"Does that make me your girlfriend?"
"I mean, if you wanna-"
I was cut off - and taken majorly by surprise - when her lips were against mine again. "Does that answer your question?"
I nodded. "Yep. Good answer."
"Cool. So, not to totally ruin the mood, but are you gonna tell Ziggs?"
I sighed. "Sure. Eventually."
"Well, I don't mind taking it slow and keeping it quiet as long as you need. And we can tell them whenever you're ready."
"Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me. That's just what girlfriends do."
"You just like calling yourself that, don't you?"
"I do like the sound of it, I admit."
I laughed, "Me too."

~

(A/N: EXAMS ARE OVER AND I HAVE TWO WEEKS OFF!!!!)