the way i loved you

4

Surprise Update! Thanks so much for reading my story!

Possible trigger warning, panic attack

***

"NO! Leave him alone! Stop!" Hermione's scream broke through the silence. Pansy woke with a start, running to her roomate's bedside hurridly. 

"Hermione, wake up. You're safe now, wake up love," Pansy soothed while pulling Hermione's shaking frame against her own. She could tell Hermione was awake now, he breathing had slowed and now she only whimpered. Pansy started talking about random things, trying whatever she could to keep Hermione's mind off of her nightmare. 

"I think I'm actually starting to like Ancient Runes, it's very challenging but refreshing once I translate a sentence," Hermione continued sniffling. "Alchemy on the other hand, that class is a bloody piece of work. I can't seem to connect two pieces of an equation and my experiments always come out a jumbled mess. Unlike you of course, you're work is always at O.W.L. level, honestly it's one of the things I admire about you." Pansy looked down to find Hermione's eyes shut, small snores escaping from her lips. Pansy smiled softly and kissed her forehead, moving to escape Hermione's grasp. When she was almost free an arm snaked around her waist and pulled her down, squeezing her tightly. 

Pansy froze, unsure what to do. On one hand Hermione was hugging her, and she wanted nothing more than to hug her back, but it felt wrong. Of course she knew her feelings for Hermione had grown to want more than a friendship, but Hermione didn't. It felt wrong to exploit her small, albeit friendly, acts of affection that meant nothing. 

With that in mind she lifted Hermione's arm as gently as she could and slipped out of the bed. Pansy looked down at the sleeping frame in front of her and sighed. Before turning back to her own bed she cupped Hermione's cheek. 

"Not tonight, but maybe someday." 

Pansy went to sleep partially saddened, but grateful she was the one that got to comfort the Golden Girl.

***

The next morning at breakfast the unexpected happened. 

The day started as it normally did, both girls waking up in time for an early breakfast and getting ready in silence. Pansy brushed her short hair and did her makeup, Hermione lathering potions onto her curls to tame them. They exchanged smiles, Hermione's suspiciously larger than Pansy's, and to Pansy's surprise Hermione walked by her side all the to the Great Hall. 

Pansy was still recovering from that shock when Hermione sat down beside her. Right next to her at the eighth year table. Not with Neville and Hannah, but with her. 

"What are you doing, Granger?" Hermione looked at her with a smirk.

"Sitting next to my roomate? Is that a problem?" Pansy was speechless but shook her head no. Hermione nodded with a hum of approval before stacking her plate with sausage and toast. 

The other Slytherins gaped at the pair, eyes wide and all conversation stunted. Pansy glared at them, not liking all the prying eyes. To make matters worse, Hermione's knee had found a permanent spot pressed against Pansy's thigh. Pansy kept her head down, and squeezed her eyes shut.

Focus Pansy, don't do anything stupid. It was an accident, it doesn't mean anything. 

It. Doesn't. Mean. Anything.

She released the breath she was holding, sneaking a glance to her right. Hermione was happily chewing, not paying attention to the agony she was putting Pansy through. 

Pansy's heart was beating alarmingly fast, she was afraid McGonagall could hear from across the room. She stood up suddenly, needing to get away. Away from Hermione, away from her friends; away from that fucking table. 

She walked quickly to the nearest washroom, throwing open a stall door and sitting down, her head in her hands. 

You can't do this.

It's too soon.

She's straight.

She doesn't like you. 

She's hardly your friend.

Don't do this again, especially not with her.

She's forbidden.

She's straight!

You're just her fucking lapdog that calms her down after a stupid nightmare.

Nothing more.

Nothing.

Nothing. 

Nothing.

Pansy was breathing very fast, tears were sliding down her face. She gripped her hair at the root, pulling and pulling. 

GET OUT!

She wanted the voice out of her head. It hadn't left since the war; he had gotten in her mind and now he wouldn't leave.

Always placing doubts, always telling her how worthless she was. 

She had one thing to do this year, and she was fucking it up. 

She was rocking back and forth, so distracted she didn't notice the door swing open. 

"Pansy?" That voice. The only voice that could make him GET OUT. Pansy was groaning, her chest hurt. It was burning. She gasped for air, she had forgotten to breathe. 

"Pansy! Oh my god." A hand made contact with her back and she jerked away. She couldn't touch her, she couldn't. Hermione once again tried to wrap Pansy in a hug. Pansy screamed.

"NO! Get away! Don't touch me! No!" Pansy scrambled to stand up, not registering Hermione's frightened eyes, not caring. She darted from the bathroom to the hallway, sprinting until she reached their dorm room. Pansy threw herself on her bed, wandlessly closing the curtains and putting up wards to ensure nobody could get in. She cried silently into her pillow; what had she done?

Everyone would know she's a freak. 

It's not enough that she's a Deatheater, now they'll call her crazy. And Hermione.

Hermione.

She would never talk to Pansy again. Who would? She had completely freaked out over nothing. Literally nothing had happened, but it was new. It was too new, too fast. Why couldn't things just stay the same? What had struck Hermione to suddenly be so close to her? 

It's a trick.

She wants to hurt you.

She knows what you are.

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" Pansy shouted while repeatedly slamming her head down on her mattress. The voice went away, but the dread did not. 

Some time later she could hear footsteps stop beside her bed. Her heart stopped and she didn't dare take a breath, pretending to be asleep. When they retreated she finally relaxed. 

Pansy didn't come out for the rest of the night; not when she could hear Hermione in the bathroom, not when a soft 'goodnight' echoed through the room.

But Pansy couldn't help the tears that fell when Hermione started screaming. 

She didn't come out for that either.