one day i began to think

save me and bring me home

he kissed me.. and now my lips burn. he kissed me and all I felt was pain, guilt, sickness. all I felt was the urge to push him off me and shove him out of my house. he kissed me and. and I absolutely hated it. 

I just feel.. dirty. I feel like I need to rot away right now. like I should cry over the disappointment that's rushing through me.

well.. before it's filled in your head that I'm some slut.. listen to the situation.

Ross.. like I mentioned before, the obsessed guy I mention before. well I told him I just wanted to be friends and let it be at that. I think he's a great guy.. just not the guy for me. I made it clear I didn't want more than a friendship with him.. I guess that message wasn't clear enough. 

today, I worked at the vet. at the vet I'm just by myself doing basic chores and taking care of dogs. usually, I'd have my AirPods with me to listen to some music or listen to a movie to keep myself from going deaf listening to the dos bark until their throats gave out. I mentioned this to Ross.. and he insisted he brought me his AirPods. I refused. Telling him that was sweet of him but he didn't have to, I would be fine without I just wanted to complain. But.. he insisted again. And because he asked before I became concerned with how.. attached he can be to a girl he barely knows, or so I think. 

he showed up at the vet and brought me the AirPods. Not knowing how to react I took them, thanked him, and proceeded to walk away but he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me in for a hug. Shocked, I hugged him back reluctantly. Then.. went back inside. I used the AirPods now because.. it was just so awkward. I played a country playlist.. a specific song that reminded me a little to much of someone I can't stop thinking about anyway came on and I began to tear up at work. so I ripped the AirPods out and dealt with the ringing sound of the dogs barking in my ears for 4 more hours. 

Now.. I still have his AirPods. I told him after work I would drop them off at his house and run home because it's Goose's birthday today (my brother's dog) and I had to be at the party since my dogs were invited. well, that was a lie but later in the night they asked me to come over anyway so, I guess the universe was trying to help me out. But.. then he said he wouldn't be home the time I would be off work and that he'd just come over to get them. I said "okay", less gas I'm using. 

Well, he came over. I thought he was just gonna take the AirPods and turn around. Nope. He took them, yes, and put them in to his pocket while he slipped off his shoes and proceeded to walk down to my bedroom downstairs. Not knowing how to react, I just followed after him. 

He sat on my bed and I stood by my desk. He said "what're you doing? come sit over here." and I just said that I've been sitting around since I got home from work so I wanted to stand up for a bit. I guess he bought that? eventually we just began to talk about our days. he stayed for a while. I even said to him that it was getting late around 11 and he should go. he said it was fine. then it was 12:30 and I asked him if he needed to get home because of curfew, and he replied "well would it be okay if I just stayed the night?"

 my heart picked up so fast. immediately I made a face and he was like "oh.. what? is that not okay?" and I just said neither I or my parents would be okay with it. He understood but stayed sitting on my bed anyway. he kept finding gestures to try to touch me when I sat on the bed. I guess it wasn't until then where I realized I should've changed before he came. I was in loose pajama shorts and a sweatshirt with no bra underneath. not to sound.. gross but, I don't think that was a very uninviting outfit for him seeing as he kept putting his hands on my bare legs. I'd shoo him away telling him I didn't want that. so he went to my shoulders or back and I would just pull away. 

I'm obviously uncomfortable. I've tried kicking him out multiple times and he's not budging. finally it's 1am, I'm yawning a lot to show I'm tired and tell him he has to go because I have to be up early ( I don't). he gathers his things, but turns to me to ask "do you want my hoodie?"