one day i began to think

1 mth 6 days

I've only ever told one person about the truth about my family. one person. 

he was the only one I could trust at the time, the only person I could cry to and let hold me while he listened to all the shit I fucking go through. what he's done with that information.. I don't know, and it's probably best that way. 

almost a year later and nothing has changed, if anything it's only gotten worse. the part that hurts the most is going through it completely and utterly alone. no one to comfort me anymore and want to be around me despite every single problem that follows me and toxicity I carry from my parents alone, not even to mention my own personality traits and habits that contribute. 

I'm currently sitting at the island counter, trying to take my math placement test for college before freshman orientation next week, while they brutally scream at each other. right in front of me. on the other side of the island counter. 

I'm obviously unable to concentrate. 

I'm supposed to go to Sturgis tonight with Alissa and Brandon. I don't know if Cameron planned on coming, and I don't want to see Zade or Sofi right now because I'm beyond annoyed with them from our trip to Minnesota with them just this week. I was supposed to drive to either Brandon's or Alissa's after I took my test, but I texted Alissa and told her that my parents are arguing so the likelihood of me actually being able to finish it is slim. I guess I'll just be taking it tomorrow which isn't ideal but.. it's all I have to work with. If I'm in the stupid people math class than oh well, I guess that's just where I belong, at least it'll be easier to pass.

Now Alissa and Brandon are on their way to pick me up from my house. My parents are still on and off battling any time they cross paths in the house and I just am sitting here.. lifelessly while acting like I'm taking the test so they don't know I'm wiring about them.

Alissa knows my parents fight and they are seconds away from divorce.. or death, whichever comes first, so she's not completely out of the loop. And Brandon being her boyfriend I know she tells him everything so I have to assume that he knows that as well. Which I don't mind either.. Brandon has become a best friend to me, especially now that it's summer and we see each other  a lot. We just don't really go deep. The only time was when he reassured me that I don't want to be okay with standards as low as piece of shit guys who don't want something long term with me, and that I deserve better. Aside from that, I've never had any super emotional or deep connection with him yet because we never have had a time to dive into stuff like that. 

Anyway.. I told her they were fighting and that I wanted out of the house. I don't tell her what they fight about, even when she asks me, even when she asked today. I just completely ignored it. But I sit here and wonder what if I did. What if when she picks me up, I get in the car and I spill everything out I keep from them. The truth about why my dad is the way that he is, how my mom treats me when she's upset and just screams about everything, what went on when Neal was here, what happened the week of homecoming, the drinking, the fighting, the secrets, the drama, the trauma. What if I made her promise to not tell anyone, and let it all out to someone all over again? 

I'm sitting here, at the island counter, holding back tears imagining the scenario. The tears are a combination of just the entire fucked up situation and the frightening thought of letting someone in again on something so personal. 

I wish I could.

But I don't like acknowledging it, I don't want to be that kind of girl who has "issues at home". I don't want the negative attention. I don't want to risk not being able to go to college because of it, considering it right now is my only escape from this place. 

It's kind of like denial. A toxic coping mechanism. Luckily I only have one more month and six days to live through it like that. 

I can keep my secret that long, what goes on at home. Or.. the healthier but much riskier route of.. dropping the wall and telling my friends. 

....

Alissa is here now.. so I have to go. 

I guess I'll find out tonight if that scenario plays out or this misery only has room for one.

me.