Foolish Games

37. Don't let me go

Joni had enjoyed every moment of his short-lasting freedom. He was sleeping much better alone than with Chris in the apartment, or onto the bed next to him. It made him realize how much weight he carried on his shoulders when Chris was around. He was beginning to see more clearly that it was impossible to keep living his life this way, in the end, he would suffocate, and he wanted to break free so badly it hurt. There had to be a way, and somehow, he would find it.

Moments alone, hours, and even more gave him strength, yet he still doubted that he'd be able to go against him when facing Chris. He thought daily about the possibility of the pictures coming out and what it would mean in the end, how it would affect his life. If only there was some other way.

But Chris wasn't going to let him go so easily, he knew that. He feared what else Chris would do besides publish those pictures. And he felt nervous about the stigma that the truth would leave him. Weak, abused, and raped.

Who would ever want him then?

But he also understood that he couldn't go on like this much longer. To live a life forever with the man he despised as much as he feared. How could he break free?

The party came at the perfect time, to give him something else to think about. He felt it was something he needed; to see other people, drink, have fun, and relax before he would again face the harsh reality with Chris.

He drank a couple of beers before leaving home to calm himself further, knowing he would meet some of Dima's friends who weren't exactly his greatest fans. Yes, he had managed to rub quite a few people the wrong way during his time and now the thought brought an idle and unhappy smile to his lips.

He stood in front of the mirror for a long time adjusting his carefully picked-out clothes, fixing his hair, and practicing a smile that would be casual and ...cool. Today he would not think about Chris, yes, he planned to get very drunk until reaching the bliss where all pain would be forgotten, tomorrow was a completely different matter.

There were much more people present than in their housewarming, of course, there was more room than in their home; and an engagement... Well, it was a big deal. Linda and Dima were serious with one another and were planning a wedding for the following summer. It was odd, Joni still thought they were so young for marriage but on the other hand, Dima was right; it felt right for the both, why should they wait?

Ivo as always greeted him with enthusiasm, Misha was busy talking to some woman but smiled warmly when seeing him; something that still at times felt odd to Joni, pleasant and heartwarming but odd.

He feared so much to lose that warmth in Misha's gaze, to lose Misha's respect that he had only just regained. He feared the pity that he would see in Misha's eyes if he knew.

He congratulated the happy couple, the center of everyone's attention, and secretly envied their happiness and how equally they treated each other. To be honest, he had come to envy every happy couple he knew.

He greeted Dima's other friends, those he knew from school, and their enthusiasm when greeting him wasn't really there. Many didn't like him. He had been outspoken, unafraid to show his opinions and perhaps there had been times when he should have kept them to himself. Joni could see his past mistakes and take some responsibility for his behavior back then.

But in truth, it wasn't always his faults that caused the dislike, it was jealousy too, and evil gossip. He had heard some of them, many quite wild, like giving blowjobs to some modeling agents, silly stuff like that, stuff that made him uneasy now. Oh, how his haters would love it if those pictures would get out to prove them right about him.