101 Ways to Pretend│Taegyu

Chapter 24

There were rebounds. Plural, with an 's' at the back. More than Beomgyu would've liked to have in a hopeless, self-destructive year that he would much rather forget. But he knew that each and every one of them had a similarity that he hated himself for seeking out.

The first one had the same physique. Met on a drunken night in a bar after a few weeks of frequenting the place, while he was bordering alcoholism with the amount he was drinking to cope. He saw the man's silhouette and was immediately thrown back, overcome with the want to touch, to feel that body he had loved before- to revive that desire once again. He had committed to the lifestyle anyways- it was Europe after all, the only place where he would go unnoticed if he went around partying and seeking out things he normally wouldn't have dared to speak about in Korea.

It satisfied him, but not for long. He was a shitty person with a shitty attitude, and it somehow took him a week, a whole week, to realise how much of a horrible person he was. Because Beomgyu wasn't exactly what the other had wanted, something he could very quickly infer by the way he smashed bottles or chain-smoked until his walls rotted. He was nowhere near the person he first drunkenly saw when he looked at him. A week was all he needed.

The second had similar eyes, but not the same. It made do, for Beomgyu constantly grasped for the feeling of seeing the galaxy in someone's gaze again. It was never quite there though, no matter how much he tried to look for it. They had met through a friend of a friend, far enough to not disturb Beomgyu's circle when they broke up (if he even had a circle to begin with, let alone at that point in his career).

It lasted about a month give or take, but it definitely didn't take long for it to come crumbling down. He should've seen it coming with the effort both of them were putting into the relationship (hint: it was little to none), so it was definitely not a shocker to see the other making out with someone else in Beomgyu's rented apartment.

The third, oh god the third. It was the smile that did it for Beomgyu, almost identical with those canines he loved so dearly- butterflies fluttering in his stomach under the Paris air. And he was nothing short of perfect. He was so good to Beomgyu, more than he ever deserved for what Beomgyu gave in return. Bouquets of flowers, picnic baskets, homemade dinners and laughed-into kisses rolling on grass. All anyone could have ever wanted, with a smile that reminded him of home.

Beomgyu liked him a lot. He made him feel the happiest he had in that entire year, and it felt amazing to be within arms reach at all hours. Because he was Beomgyu's co-star, of all people, the one person he had seen most of Paris, Rome and London with for the first time together. It began with kind gestures on set, smiles exchanged from across the room blooming into something more when the cameras weren't rolling.

He liked him so much, but he could never love him. And it killed him, to see the slow realisation in the other's eyes day by day, to feel the sorrow behind kisses that were never meant for anyone to see. He had given him every exact thing he desired and it wasn't long before Beomgyu realised it was never the actions, but the person that mattered. He loved Beomgyu, but Beomgyu didn't love him back. And he tried, he tried so hard to love the way he did before but he just couldn't and it ripped him apart.

He never stopped smiling. Even when there were tears rolling down both their faces as they hugged goodbye three months later, he never stopped smiling even though they both knew they weren't meant to be. He knew from long before, Beomgyu could tell, but he still treated Beomgyu with that same love he did when they first met. And perhaps in another universe, he would've been the right person. They would've dated and moved in together and lived a life everyone would envy.

But that could only have happened in a universe without Taehyun.

Beomgyu always managed to find similarities in all of them, but none of them could ever come close to the way Taehyun made him feel. And he would rot away inside if he spent his entire life trying to look for someone else in the people he met, searching for something relentlessly even though he knew where it truly was. So there was only one plausible option: go back home.

It didn't take him long to pack up and leave after their final shoot in Berlin. The air had become suffocating there, more so than Seoul with it's ghastly fine dust levels. He was on the first flight out of there, but it was too soon to tell Taehyun again. He was only away for six months for his filming, and he knew that both of them would be still too raw from the wounds to discuss anything again.

So for the next six months, he worked. Occupied himself with every single project thrown his way, overworking himself to the point where he went days without getting any sleep. It had gotten so bad to the point where his agency would stop accepting any new offers for him, mainly due to the fear of him collapsing at any minute.

And when all that hard work paid off with a nomination at the one award show he had heard Taehyun was going to present at, Beomgyu knew it was time to reach out again.

–

"I'm so sorry for everything," Beomgyu repeated for what seemed to be the millionth time, his hands resting on Taehyun's as they sat across each other in the anchor's dressing room.

The harsh glow of the LED lights on the dresser behind him gave Taehyun a sort of halo, and Beomgyu truly wondered if all he was seeing was real. Taehyun in person again, Taehyun with his lean body and galaxy eyes and a smile so sharp Beomgyu felt it sinking into his heart. He never believed Taehyun would ever take him back after all he said, but he supposed he underestimated how much the anchor loved him in the first place.

"I forgive you," Taehyun repeated for what seemed to be the millionth time, frustration growing evident in his furrowed brows. "I forgive you, so please stop saying sorry, okay? I'll always be enough for you and you'll always be enough for me, so please don't ever think or do any of this again, alright?"

Although Beomgyu managed to hold it in all the way up to this moment, he could feel his walls breaking in gratitude as a single tear rolled down his cheek, nodding with a cracking smile. Relief beyond verbalisation, more than a weight lifted off his shoulders, it felt like the whole universe had fallen into place again. Because his whole universe had always been Taehyun.

Unspoken words were exchanged between them, clear that they both wanted the same thing, and that what happened on stage was not nearly enough.

And if the walls could talk, even they would not know who gravitated towards the other first, they would never know how the both of them ended with their lips on each other again. Beomgyu sure as hell didn't know, but he didn't care. Because Taehyun was there, there all over again, feeling the same as though a year had done nothing to who they were.

It was slow at first. A subtle whisper of I'm here, I'm here and I'm not leaving, a sullen and mellow movement between the two, a yearning for something that was finally reached and the ecstasy of reaching it.

It grew into the want for more. A low rumble of you being here is not enough, an erratic and anxious motion, the swimming feeling of dissatisfaction and the belief that it wasn't the best yet. Their lips were made for each other, and perhaps that was the reason why they melted into each other like they were the only people in the world, like no other person could've ever felt the way they did. And an abandoned trophy fell to the floor like it was worthless, because nothing could put a value on how Beomgyu felt at that moment.

In between heavy breaths, Beomgyu pulled away to admire the one person he knew was his again. His boyfriend, Kang Taehyun, hair mussed and lips swollen and smiling like a fool, looking at the only other person in the room. Ecstasy was not enough to describe it, it was ascending, happiness beyond their comprehension.

"Afterparty?" He asked.

An homage to their very beginning on that penthouse, a secret promise and the butterfly effect of something greater. The exact same location, exact same time and exact same people. History always repeated itself it seemed, but Beomgyu held no hostility toward the saying. Because if history were always Taehyun, he would relive his life moment by moment all over again.

The anchor in question only pressed another fleeting kiss to his lips. A parting with the promise of something more.

"I'd rather be with you."

And snow would fall again. Fireworks would burst and tears would trickle. It would all repeat itself and it would always feel amazing.

fin.