Always

Twelve

Twelve

It’s been almost three days since I last talked to Niko, and I don’t have any reason for my silence other than, I wanted to escape for a while. I haven’t talked to him since Friday morning, and it is now Monday.
He’s calling me now and I finally feel like picking up so I do.
“What is wrong with you?” his voice is low but angry none the less, in his own dignified way, Niko is yelling. “Something has to be wrong right?”
“I’m fine,” I say my voice heavy with sleep “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” I don’t sound sorry so I don’t think it wise to repeat the lie, the truth is I am tired, I mean I was tired and I needed a break without asking for one, it was like dodging a few classes “Was there something you wanted to achieve by doing something like this? Do you even know how worried I was? You’re in a foreign country with no one to help you if you were ever in trouble and the thing is you weren’t in trouble at all, were you?”
“How do you know I wasn’t in trouble?”
“I had to have people look for you, I had to take risks that wouldn’t be necessary if you had just texted me to tell me you were fine.”
“I’m sorry I turned my phone off,”
“That’s fine. I know you’re alright now. You can call me when you feel like talking and we’ll talk if I’m in the mood to do so as well,” I know now how angry he is. He always tries to pry answers out of me when I act moody. He always tries to sooth me but I think I went too far this time. I think he has had enough of me and my childish tantrums.
“Wait,” I say finally sitting up “I really am sorry. I won’t do it again.”
He takes a deep breath; I can hear him sit down before he says “None of it matters if you won’t talk to me, if you won’t tell me what is wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong, I just, I just wanted to be alone for a while.”
“Alone?”
“Yes,”
“You went out Friday night, came back home in the morning. Locked yourself in until now. You could of have told me that you were going out. You could of have told me to give you space, you could have done so many things but you chose to keep silent and have me worry about you like this? It’s almost as if you want me to suffer.”
I think I do want him to suffer. I think I want him to feel the way I do sometimes and these urges hit me when I least expect it.
“Do we have a problem we need to discuss?”
“No,”
“Have I done something wrong?”
“Don’t be absurd,”
“Then what is it?”
I can feel the tears welling up “I don’t know,”
“Look, I don’t want to make decisions when I’m mad, but if this is all too much for you, you simply have to say it.” He’s quiet for a second and then he adds “You don’t have to think about your finances, I’ll always take care of you.”
The tears finally fall, I am ugly crying hiccupping before I know it. I want to hang up but I don’t think that's the solution to all of this “That’s the thing though,” I say through the tears “You are not just my boyfriend, you are basically everything. I don’t like that I do but every decision that I consider I have to consider the money too. I have to think how not being with you will affect my life in general because it will. It will turn it upside down and I just wish that this relationship wasn’t tied to-”
“War-”
“No, I have to say it. I feel like it’s all too much and I just need to slow it down and breathe. I feel like everything is too much sometimes.”
“We can slow it down…if you want,”
“I don’t want that,” I wipe the tears away and let out a defeated breath “I don’t even know what I want.”
“War,” I know he has no words to say because the only solution to our situation is the one thing we never want to happen.
“I’m sorry, I really am, I just…I have hard days sometimes and I don’t want to worry you or say these thoughts to you. I don’t want them to color the memories you will have of me in the future. I want to be like you, so sure and-” I have to stop because the crying is getting in my way “You never make me feel like this is hard for you and I understand why it is like this so I just want to make this relationship as easy for you as you make it for me. That’s why I was quiet, I don’t want you to think that I’m unsure or that I ever want this to end.” I take a second to put my words together “Every negative thought, doubt or insecurities I have about us doesn’t outweigh my need to be with you.”
He lets out a long breath “War,” he calls my name like he wants to sooth me, his voice is soft and even though all he did was call my name I know exactly what he means.
“I love you so much; I just want you to be as sure of that as I am of your love for me.” I feel gutted that he thought I wanted to break up or even take time apart.
“I know how much you love me,”
“One day I’ll convince you that I love you more than you love me.”
“You’re convincing me right now,”
“Oh yeah?”
“I doubt I would have agreed to something like this when I was your age, you’re very brave Waridi.”
I never thought of myself as brave. Life has always offered me single options that I had to take, I mean nothing ever felt like a decision.
“But text me next time, I’ll understand.”