The River At The End of The World | ✔

4. Two Steps Back

Just when I had thought I couldn't lose anymore hope in this dark place I did and I lost it all. Even hope I didn't believe was there was torn from me. It was torn from all of us. This Hope Stealer wasn't the disease however nor was it man. None of us knew what it was and I'd rather not know what would so easily and shamelessly cause such despair in our lives.

Father carried on with more vigour than the rest of us. Mother clung viciously to Nathan as if he might fade away into dust at any moment. Maybe he would. You couldn't count on anything or anyone being where you left them the next day.

I was now at the back. I was weighed down by my heart more than my mud-drenched boots. It was only the thought of ending this journey once and for all which kept me on two feet.

      Mother, how much further?

Mother doesn't talk to me anymore so I continue to walk in silence. We had lost a lot of time before we set off and it seems as if although we were moving we weren't really making any progress. We paused for short breaks frequently and in that time Father would curse under his breath and fight with the map. I'm scared his vision is going. 

We stopped again. I knew it was Father fiddling with the map. He told us to stay silent whilst he paced around before walking in front of me and walking in the direction we came from. he didn't say anything. He just expected us to follow.

Mother's mutters are becoming louder. I'm scared Father might here them. As far as I can tell they don't even talk to each other anymore.

      Mother what's the matter?

      I can't do this anymore.

      Mother please. We're nearly there remember. We can finish this.

Mother didn't reply for a long time. I didn't bother to carry on the conversation as I felt I'd done all I could do. Her mood began to cast as dark a cloud as yesterday.

Another stop. We performed another 180.

      Stop it now!

      Stop what?

      We're lost. Why can't you just admit it?

      Because we're not. It's just the map is being difficult.

      It's paper with a drawing on it it can't be anything!

Nathaniel let go of mother and ran to my side. He hated it when their voices were raised as did I. I wanted to interject but I had nothing to say. We were lost and nowhere.

      How about you read the damn thing then!

      No I won't.

      So what do you want to do Your Highness?

      To stop running. It's over. You can't outrun the inevitable.

      What? We can't? 

      You can and I am. I'm done. This journey has taken things from me I thought I would never lose.

The pain in Mother's voice was etched onto my heart. It was strange not having Big Sis with us anymore but it wasn't just her who had lost her it was all of us.

      Please Mother don't give up yet.

      It'll kill us all anyway. Eventually.

      You can't think like that.

      I'm not going to argue. Go on without me. I can't do anymore. My body won't let me and my mind it's like it's eating itself. Let me go I'm just slowing you all down.

      No!

I'd never been a person who shouted but I did. I couldn't lose Mother as well not so soon after Big Sister. Long hours were spent in that spot. Mother and Father spoke for a very long time and I'm not sure what about. All I could overhear was crying and at one point I saw a hug. 

      Nathaniel, it'll be okay.

      How? Mummy won't come with us.

I didn't know what to say. Lying would be bad but telling the truth could be worse.

      I'm sure Mummy and Daddy are sorting something out right now.

      She's different.

      How so?

      She's broken.