lies arnt worth living for

chapter 4

⚠️⚠️warning: harmful words, built in transphobia

Regulas pov:

"James, what are you doing here?"
James stood towering me in the slytherin dorms while everyone was in the common room or out.

"I need you reggie, you don't understand. I-i can't hide it anymore, it's so hard and I can't even tell my best friend cuz he'll hate me reggie."
He was looking at the floor, like the floor had called his mum a whore or something

"What are you hiding James, why do you need to tell me?"

"Because I like you regulas, I don't just like you, I'm pretty sure I love and I need you and I'm slowly loosing my mind without you."

He likes me... he likes me back.

"I like you to James potter, but how do I know, this isn't one of your pranks"

That's it, he kissed me. And not to be cliche but it felt so good and everything disappeared... everything.

I slowly pulled away smiling softly... but then the look on his face...

"You really thougt I loved you regulas black, your so stupid. Your a stupid filthy deatheater why would I love you?"

He gave me a look of disgust then sirius and his other friends walked out, pointing and laughing.

I'm a whore, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm delusional... I mean, look at me, I act and make myself look like a boy but I'm really a-a girl... I'm not 'regulas'. I want to be regulas-

I woke up quickly, sweating and crying. These thoughts are turning into dreams, these dreams are turning into thoughts, my head is trapped, I feel like I'm drowning.

I got up and walked down to the common room sitting on the sofa, my head was spiraling with thoughts, James potter, regulas, who I want to be and who I have to be.

"Regulas?"

I turn to see narcissa, she calls me regulas when we are alone and it makes me so happy, I love narcissa, her, siris and Andromeda and the marauders know my name... its nice that way...

I nod looking up at her

"You've been crying havnt you, it's clear to see on your handsome face reggie. Have you been having bad thoughts again?"

"I want to be regulas, cissy... I can't though. My parents would disown me quicker then you could say pureblood. I'm a boy narcissa, why can't they see I'm a boy?"

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as she hugged me tight.

"You are a boy regulas, your a strong, handsome, brave boy. And James would be so lucky to have a wonderful boy like you."

I cuddled her tighter, my fave burned up slightly at the James part but she's my favourite cousin. Cissy is more like my sister, and she makes me feel like the boy I am.

"You should talk to James, and sirius. They can help you regulas, they can set you free. I know sirius is planning on running away this summer, regulas when he asks you to go with him you go, do understand? You run away with him, forget about everything, go"

"I can't leave you"

"I'll be fine, you go I won't be if I know you suffering like this. Go be regulas black and live out your fantasy with James potter. Merlin even take his last name if you want, go be happy, then I'll be happy"

I hugged her tighter, we still have a year. But when I run away, I most likely won't be able to see cissy again.