Stupid Sickness

Even the Unshakable (Wylan)

As he and Jesper walked through the door to the main cabin, Wylan was instantly reminded of the last time he'd found the normally unshakable Kaz Brekker literally shaking on the floor.

Kaz had sunk to the ground, his cane forgotten, and had eyes eyes shut tight, gloved hands attempting to rip out his own hair. He wasn't shaking nearly as badly as last time, but the trembling was still there. Wylan had been certain Kaz was about to slit Rollins' throat at the tone of voice he'd been using. He had recognized the strain on it as well, just like when Wylan had found him after his fight. He hadn't realized just how much the former Dime Lions' leader had gotten under Kaz's skin until he'd come through this door, though.

Jesper was frozen in shock, his mind clearly trying to take in and understand the scene before him.

Inej was kneeling beside him, trying to calm him down. Her hands were twisting in front of her as if she wanted to rub his back or pull his hands out of his hair so he wasn't hurting himself but wasn't sure if touching him in this state was wise.

She whispered something to him, clearly mean to console him but instead causing him to shake his head violently.

"No, no, no. It is. It's all my fault. He's right. I was supposed to get them all out. I said I'd get them all out. I promised." Kaz voice broke on the last word. "I can't keep anyone alive. What the fuck is wrong with me?" 

His dark, bitter eyes were open now, desperately searching her face for an answer. They were rimmed by a bit of silver, which Wylan realized was the beginning of tears. He doubted they'd fall but he knew they were salt on the wound Rollins had just torn open.

Inej reached out and slowly cupped his face with her hand. Kaz flinched but didn't pull away. "You did get us out Kaz, and you kept us alive when no one else could. Matthias' death wasn't anything any of us could have foreseen. Besides, he died happy and he died with Nina, just like he wanted. You gave him that chance to be happy." She told him gently.

"Don't." Kaz pleaded. "Please. Don't start doing that. I'm not innocent and I didn't do it because it was the right thing."

"It doesn't matter. The choices you made were the right ones and for the better for all of us. You did your best." Inej responded

"My best isn't good enough. My best gets everyone killed. I failed him. Just like Jordie failed me. I should have died, not Matthias." Kaz shot back.

"Where would we be without you Kaz?" Inej asked softly. "Any of us? I would be stuck at the Menagerie, Nina with the Dime Lions, Matthias in Hellgate, Wylan dead somewhere in the Barrel, Jesper swamped in debt. Even if we'd gotten out somehow without you, you found my parents for me. You gave me this ship. Maybe it took scaling six stories of hell for me to find my purpose but I couldn't have done it if you hadn't freed me from Heleen. If you hadn't seen my potential even when no one else did. Even when I didn't see it myself."

But Kaz wasn't listening to Inej. He was shaking his head, pulling harder on his hair, closing his eyes, blocking her out.

"Kaz." She said, trying to get him to listen to her. "Kaz!" Inej took her hand off his cheek and placed it on his arm. He flinched again, but at least he opened his eyes.

It took Kaz a couple moments to calm down enough to unwind his gloved hands from their death-grip on his hair. He was still shaking but he looked at Inej, concerned.