Stupid Sickness

Don't. (Kaz)

Inej found him back at the Fahey farm. He'd kept close to her as they walked through Cofton in case he needed to murder someone for her again. They passed through with no problem though, and Kaz had gone off to wander the Fahey fields to be alone.

Kaz was lost in thought. The Rietveld family farm had been exactly as he had remembered and Inej had been right. Going back had made it worse. But he had to do it, at least once. That's what he told himself. That's what he told her.

Kaz knew she understood the longing to be the innocent and carefree child he had once been. He knew she understood better than anyone that some things could take that away forever. The innocence and the gentleness. He knew she understood that he was only a monster because of the monstrous thing that had happened to him, that without that he could have been happy.

Inej hadn't become a monster, though, she was strong where he was weak. The most absolute kind of strength was her ability to love and her faith even when the world was determined to wrench it from her. Her refusal to give up, but to keep fighting and loving and living even when the odds were so stacked against her. She was a Saint, and he had faith in only her.

The world had been determined to take those things from him too, and it had succeeded. Kaz had embraced it, let it twist and corrupt him. He became the monster, the dark thing that waited in the shadows. He became the predator because he was the prey.

Inej refused to be either.

She found him back at the Fahey farm and they stood in silence.

Then he started talking, he told her all of this, and she stayed silent.

"I'm not an angel." She said finally.

"You are to me." He told her. She didn't respond to that.

"Sometimes I wonder what we would have been if we met each other differently." Inej said. "If I was never kidnapped by slavers and Jordie never died. Do you think we would have been happy?"

"We would have been a lot of things." Inej nodded sadly. "I think you would have liked Kaz Rietveld."

"Can you tell me about him?" Kaz hesitated. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her everything.

"I don't know if I can." He admitted.

"That's okay." She gave him a soft smile. "Do you want to try?"

Kaz nodded. He did want to try.

So he did. He tried.

He told her about his mother, the little he could remember of her before she died.

He told her about his father and his warm laugh that illuminated their farm house when it was cold and their mother's absence pressed in on them.

He told her about what he'd been like, back before he became who he was now. Kaz told her about learning his magic tricks and about teaching himself to play cards.

And he told her about Jordie. About the piano boy who was Kaz's whole world. About his ambition and his unconditional love for Kaz. He told her about his Jordie, who was without fault and knew everything. He told her about Jordie and his dreams that had gotten them killed. He told her about Jordie who held Kaz's hand the whole way to Ketterdam and didn't let go.