Im not ready yet. [ Pregame Saiouma ]

Chapter 9

Warning: Drug Use, Suicide

Kokichi's Story

The cold wind blew against my face as i swung on the swing. My eyes shut listening to the calming swishes of the trees in the wind.

My body was numb from the cold. I didnt care though, it felt nice.

I took out the bag of magic mushrooms from last nights.. well this morning's party.

I started to shove them in my mouth. The nasty taste filling my mouth and I squeezed my eyes shut as i swallowed them.

I took a few more and shoved the rest in my pocket.

I sighed and waited for the effects to start.

I hummed softly to myself while I rubbed my soft velvet cardigan against my fingers.

I like velvet. I helps me calm down. I like the smooth fabric and how it feels against my skin.

I smile to myself and sway side to side on the swing

My nose started running from the cold but i ist wiped it away with the back of my sleeve

God i wish i had tissues i hate feeling dirty like this. Even if it's not on my skin.

I hug myself tightly and lean down on the swing.

Ive been here for the whole day. In exhausted but i dont know where to go

I cant go back to Kaedes.

Theres no where for me to go. I always go to Kaede's after school. Honestly its like i live there ive been staying over since we were in diapers. Since our moms were best friends when they were teenagers.

I miss my mom.. i really do.

But i hate her at the same time for leaving me like that.

I was just a child.. and she killed herself right in-front of me telling me everything was my fault.

But hey maybe she's right.

Maybe it is my fault

God maybe everything is my fault.

I wish I could just be a kid again. I dont want to grow up.

I want to stay a baby so everyone can comfort me when i cry.

Because everyone cares when you're little.

I just want to be a kid. I want someone who will hold me and kiss me on the head telling me nothing is my fault and that they love me.

I want someone to love me.

Someone who will love me no matter what.

Someone who wont leave me.

But they don't exist.

The drugs effect slowly started to kick in after 30 minutes. The world started to become unrecognizable, the trees and ground were moving. They were alive.

Everything was alive.

It makes me feel safe. I feel safe. I wish i didnt have to get high to feel safe.

I wish someone would be there for me.

I wish someone would LOVE me. Not just be my friend and joke about everything that i say as if I'm an idiot.

I want someone who understands me.

I miss Rantaro.

He loved me..

But he left.

Everyone fucking left.

I dont know where any of my family is.

God they could be dead and I would be out here thinking they were going to a birthday party.

I miss my family.

I wish my life wasn't so broken and eventful. I just want to rest. I want a break. Please just one break. Even if its for a day or two.

Please.