A New Squid in Town

9. Dining Disaster

SpongeBob batted his eyelashes at Squidward to seem cute and innocent. "Isn't this exciting?" he inquired, his tone preppy. "I've always wanted to wait on my bestest buddy!" Squidward was sweating profusely now. He'd probably have to blow his entire paycheck on this dinner outing to keep his ONLY friend, and now he was being waited on by the very bane of his existence- SpongeBob SquarePants. 'How could this get any worse?' thought the misanthropic octopus.

SpongeBob gave his neighbor a large, toothy grin. "Don't worry, Squidward!" he announced optimistically. "We're going to make sure your evening with your pal is just swell!" 'We?' Squidward's heart began to pound. Sure enough, only seconds later, Patrick showed up, sporting an outfit to match SpongeBob's. "We wanted this evening to be extra special for you two," said SpongeBob with a subtle wink. "So me and Patrick are going to cater to your each and every need!" 'This can't be happening. This can't be happening!' thoughts raced through Squidward's mind as his expression turned to pure concern.

"Is everything all right, Squidward?" inquired Octavius, looking worried for his friend. "I'm fine!" Squidward insisted. "Will you excuse us for a couple of seconds?" The octopus grabbed SpongeBob and Patrick by the arms and dragged them off into the corner of the private area, making sure they were out of sight. "Now, you listen to me, SpongeBob," Squidward demanded. "This is probably my ONLY chance to impress Octavius. Whatever you two do, you CAN'T mess this up for me!" "Don't you worry, Squidward," replied SpongeBob, clearly not picking up on his neighbor's agitation. "We're both going to ensure this evening goes wonderfully for you and your friend." "Whatever," muttered Squidward, heading back to his table. "Just don't do anything idiotic."

SpongeBob and Patrick followed their neighbor back to the secluded area, getting out their notepads to take orders. "Nice to meet you, SpongeBob," said Octavius in a polite tone, reading his name tag. "I would like to order the seared blue grenadier with a side of kelp, please."

"Okay," said Patrick, quickly jotting it down. "Would you like a side of mayonnaise with that?" Squidward became annoyed at the sentiment. "Patrick, why would you slather mayonnaise all over a finely prepared meal meant for five-star cuisine?" He rolled his eyes.

"Because it's good," said Patrick with a shrug. Moments later, he ripped a hole through the paper and screamed. "SPONGEBOB!" yelled the starfish. "I RUINED MY PAPER THING!" "It's okay, Patrick," said SpongeBob. "You can borrow mine!" He handed his notepad to Patrick and smiled. "Thanks, SpongeBob," replied Patrick.

Squidward smacked his forehead in disbelief, but he HAD to maintain his composure in front of his friend. "I'll have the roast lobster tail with a side of peppercorn sauce," he informed the waiters, his voice monotone. "Coming right up, Mr. Tenting Poles," said Patrick. "That's TENTACLES," Squidward answered. "Right." SpongeBob nodded. "We'll have those orders to you as soon as possible," he assured them. "Come on, Patrick. To the kitchen!" The sea sponge held his hand up in a triumphant manner. He grabbed Patrick's arm and ventured forth. Unfortunately, a piece of ripped paper fell to the ground from Patrick's notepad, and he stepped on it. The crumpled paper grazed his foot, and he freaked out immediately. "SPONGEBOB!" shouted the pink starfish. "SOMETHING JUST ATTACKED MY FOOT!" His outburst caused the table to shake, causing Octavius's iced tea to spill all over his tuxedo. The quartet gasped simultaneously.

"I'm terribly sorry, sirs," said SpongeBob. He grabbed a napkin and attempted to clean off Octavius's clothes, but instead, he smeared the drink around further and made it even worse. "Please, that won't be necessary," urged the squid, signaling with his hands for them to stop. Clearly not listening, Patrick grabbed a pitcher of water and splashed it directly into Octavius's face. "Did that help?" he asked. Octavius was appalled. Squidward was absolutely humiliated.

"It's okay," Octavius insisted, trying his best to keep calm. "I have plenty more suits at home. It's not a big deal." Relieved, Squidward sat back in his chair and let out a sigh. SpongeBob and Patrick disappeared into the kitchen. A little later, they returned with a couple of kelp burgers and presented the duo with them. "SpongeBob!" exclaimed Squidward. "This CLEARLY isn't our order!" It was becoming increasingly more difficult for Squidward to keep his temper under wraps; meanwhile, Octavius was nearing his last legs of patience.

"Oh, you're right, sorry!" said Patrick, a dopey smile present on his countenance. He picked up a platter with their food on it, lobbing the grenadier directly into the squid's face. "THIS is your order!" "Patrick!" SpongeBob rushed over to his buddy's side, looking concerned. "That's not how you serve food!" He placed Squidward's dish neatly in front of him, sprinkling a dash of pepper onto it. "This is! Why don't you go and provide these gentlemen with another form of entertainment?"

"All right, I can do that." Patrick looked around until he spotted the vacant stage present in the private dining area. "You guys like music on that pointy stick thing, right?" "You mean the clarinet?" Squidward muttered. Octavius let out a massive sigh as he watched the starfish. Patrick pulled out a black clarinet from one of the cabinets available behind him and began to play. The water was suddenly filled with one of the worst sounding, out-of tun melodies they'd ever heard. Plugging their ears, Octavius and Squidward stormed up onto the stage, both glaring at the starfish. He got the hint and stopped playing. "We'll show you what REAL music sounds like," Squidward insisted, taking his own clarinet out of his coat pocket. "Certainly," Octavius agreed. The squid pulled out his golden clarinet and raised it to his lips. They were clearly both having a terrible time, so they figured they could have SOME fun with music, at the very least. But suddenly, Patrick tripped as he was passing by. He collided with Octavius and caused the squid to drop his golden clarinet, and...it broke. The mouthpiece shattered and several of the encrusted jewels came off, leaving a tattered mess on the stage front.

Now fuming, Octavius stood up, his fists clenched. That was the last straw for him. "Will you excuse me for a few minutes?" he inquired. The squid headed into the bathroom. He began washing his face, cleaning the remaining food off properly. In the bathroom mirror, he noticed a sad, familiar face staring back at him. Squidward was present, looking miserable. "I am SO sorry about those two," he insisted, clinging to Octavius's legs. "This wasn't supposed to happen." Octavius sighed and faced his friend. "Who are those two?" he demanded. "I saw them at your house when I visited the first time, but I didn't want to bring it up. Are you acquainted with those two?"

"Absolutely not!" Squidward insisted. "I mean, yes, I do know them, but they're not my friends. They're my obnoxious neighbors. But I don't want anything to do with them! They always follow me around, disrupting my peace. I can't get a break. But then I met you. And you're my only friend. Please! Don't go!" He sobbed into the squid's legs in his state of desperation.

Octavius helped Squidward to his four feet and took his tentacle hands in his, looking into his eyes with sympathy. "Look," he sighed. "You're a good friend, and I enjoy hanging out with you. But I don't think I can be here right now. Not with those buffoons lingering around. I guess I'll see you next week or something." "I...I understand." With tears in his eyes, Squidward let go. Octavius hastily paid the bill for both of them, just wanting to get it over with so he could leave. He liked Squidward, but he didn't want to spread his bad mood around him any further. Patrick had destroyed his golden clarinet, which meant the world to him.

When Octavius stormed outside, he was greeted by a familiar face. Leaning against his limousine boat stood Squillam Fancyson, a smirk plastered upon his face. "Hello, Octavius."