When the Rain Never Stops

Chapter 2

Sarah's Chapter

"Any thoughts of ending your own life?" My therapist asked.

"No none."

I knew this was a lie but when in therapy that's one of the few questions you're always dishonest about. The truth lies in the liquor on my breath. The smell of whiskey. The drinks don't make the pain go away but at least I don't remember it. The crash broke me and took my soul. My heart still beats and air goes in and out of my lungs as it should, but I am dead. I may still walk the Earth, but there is no life left in my body.

"Is there anything you would wish to talk about?" my therapist asked after minutes of silence.

"No." My therapist does not know much about the crash or anything that happened before or after.

"Well then you may go," I stood up and went for the door, but she seemed to have something more to say, "Sarah, I may not know just what happened that night, but I don't think you're a bad person regardless."

"Then, I'm sorry to disappoint you," I said as I left. I don't drive anymore, I have not driven since the crash. When I made it outside my dad wasn't there. I checked my phone to see a text from him saying he got a call, and I'd need a different ride. My mom was at work and so my only other option was Lee. I love Lee a lot but since the crash I feel bad for Lee. She's risking her reputation by being friends with me.

I gave Lee a call regardless, and she came and got me. The car ride was silent except for small talk. "So Will invited us for ice cream," Lee said as she drove me home.

"I'm sorry, Lee. I don't really feel up for ice cream."

"Oh please Sarah, if it's just Will and me, it'll seem like a date."

"But isn't that what you want?"

Lee was silent for a bit. I think I hurt her feelings. "Sarah, I do want you to come. I think it could be good for you to get out of the house. You deserve to have fun," Lee said in a small voice. My eyes stung with her last couple of words.

"Alright, I'll go," I know Lee cares for me, and she's been there for me all throughout this, so I suppose this is the least I could do, "When is it?"

"Tomorrow evening?"

"Deal but then no more going out, you and Will, can hang out on your own."

Lee gave a sigh of relief. She's worried about me and I wish I could comfort her, but she has every right to worry. Especially after my performance at the funeral.

Finally, she pulled up to the driveway of my house and dropped me off. I hurried into the house and to my room. My room had become my safe space. I spent most of my time there because I never had the energy to go anywhere else. I sleep the days off and skip doing my school work. I consume three iced coffees a day and a granola bar. I don't starve myself intentionally, in fact I often just don't feel hungry. Besides the less I eat, the less I can throw up. I plan on sleeping until tomorrow evening, and after I get ice cream, going back to sleep. And so I laid down on my bed still in my street clothes, and went off to sleep.

I woke up around two in the morning. That feeling of nausea that comes with slow starvation, in my stomach. My head was pounding, and my mouth parched from dehydration. When I opened my eyes, all I saw were strobe lights. I stumbled my way blindly down the stairs to the kitchen. I set out two or three or maybe even four, pills of ibuprofen and washed it all down with water from the tab. I found my way back upstairs and ate some melatonin gummies before turning back over to sleep.

The next time I woke was around eleven and this time I ran straight for the bathroom. I didn't even have time to pull my hair back before getting sick in the toilet. Throwing up seemed to be a normal part of my day now, but I don't enjoy it anymore than I did before. I wiped my face and flushed the toilet and set to shower. One thing that I still do regularly is shower, kids at school used to taunt me for having "dirty" hair. My hair is too curly to wash every day or even every week, but I have always made it a habit to shower every day. My showers are never long as the water stings. My shower routine is nothing special, I just stand in the shower for a couple of minutes using some regular off-brand dove bar to wash away any dirt that could be found on my body. Then I get out of the shower, dry off a bit and usually change into sweats and some sort of stained shirt. But since I knew getting ice cream meant quite a bit to Lee, I didn't wear a stained shirt today.