When the Rain Never Stops

Chapter 10

Sarah

Things started to slowly go back to normal just less than a month after my attempt. They were nowhere near normal but things were starting to get there. But things had also changed. My dad moved out and in with Mackenzie. Locks appeared on the medicine cabinet and on the kitchen drawer that held the knives, and there were no razors in the house, which meant that my mother and I were no longer shaving. One thing that has returned to normal is my father. I thought things would be different-- and they are but I thought they'd be different in the way that he would love me.

The truth is my father hit me. He dropped me off at my mom's after I met Mackenzie. Mackenzie is nice and so are her boys but I can't help holding a grudge against her for ruining my father and mother's marriage. I know she isn't to blame but still I found myself hating her. We got into a fight as usual but this time it was extra heated. He raised his hand and struck me. I remember my eyes began to water and my cheek burned. My face was hot with anger and embarrassment that I had allowed my father to hit me. His face changed immediately, his eyebrows became upturned and there was hurt in his eyes. He moved and put his hands out to cradle my face. "Out. I said out," I pointed towards the door as I shook my head. I began to laugh, it was a laugh of stupidity. "Nope, go on, just go. No apologies this time, just go," I smacked my forehead. He didn't apologize, he just went. This time I didn't even slam the door in his face.

I called Lee after it happened. She came, and we sat in the December cold out on my back porch. "Loving him is never enough," I said with my knees pulled to my chest as my tears were blown away by the wind. She sat with me not saying a word. Her presence was enough to comfort me.

I stopped reminiscing about it and went back to decorating the Christmas tree. It was the first Christmas without my Dad. My Mom, Lee, Winnie, and I went into the mountain to chop down the Christmas tree. Triumph was in the air after we had successfully chopped down the tree. We dragged it back to the car and drove back to the house. It was a Douglas fir and smelled amazing, it was round and fuller at the bottom, reminded me a bit of a pine cone. We put on multicolored lights and started decorating it. There were five days till Christmas, and I was feeling conflicted. I hadn't felt excited about the holiday since my childhood and this year was no different but with my dad gone there was almost this sense of new hope, maybe this year would be different. My Mom gave me some money for gifts, so I got everyone something small. It was really the thought that counted.

We had decorated the house with garland and put mistletoe over the front door. I got back to baking and the house always smelled of gingerbread or cookies of some kind. Even though my life still sucked, I felt better. With my dad gone I could breathe. I was done for good, never going back. It was Christmas break, and I stayed up late every night with Winnie and Lee laughing till we could no longer keep our eyes open. We went on midnight drives, sticking our heads out the window and letting the cold wind pummel our faces as we listened to the radio. Screaming into the night, our words turning into gibberish as the wind muffles them. It felt good.

I woke up Christmas morning to Winnie and Lee sandwiching me in my own bed. Going downstairs to see the presents under my tree took me back to being a kid. Nothing beats the feeling you had when you were a kid, and you ran down the stairs and saw your tree with gifts under it. Nothing will ever beat that feeling. Even though my Dad wasn't there to open the gifts with everyone on Christmas, it still felt like everyone was there. It was so much better getting to spend the holidays with people who love me. For the first time in forever, it seemed like there was actually Christmas spirit.

Lee bought sweaters for everyone and Winnie made hot cocoa for everyone. We sat around the tree exchanging gifts, laughing our heads off as we talked about subjects that definitely aren't suitable for Christmas. We danced around the living listening to Mariah Carey and Wham!. I got everyone a pair of fuzzy socks that had various animals on them. Winnie got me a mug and Lee got friendship bracelets for everyone. "I've gotta blast guys, I'm going to Will's grandma's house for dinner, and I'm meeting his aunt," Lee announced around noon. Winnie and I waved her off and then sat down to watch a Christmas movie or two before she had to go. Then around three, she left and it was just me and my mother. Things were getting better but it left me with another question; would it last?