Cold Ashes

fifteen

Everything in my life felt a whole lot fucked up.

Jon hadn't yet given me any updates on the glass vial I'd snooped from the Agency. It had been days now.

Neo hadn't shown up at college since Lana's birthday party. Again, it had been days.

And I didn't quite know where exactly I was standing with Jamie after that same party. After he'd kept me waiting there and hadn't shown up. After he hadn't kept his promise and I'd left the party without Penny, just because I felt a bit drunk and a whole lot awful, only to have been cornered by Ice Phantom.

And now he knew. Ice Phantom knew who I was. He'd probably known for months now. How could I have been so stupid, thinking he knew nothing? He'd probably stalked me to my dead parents' graves. After that, well, it must've been pretty easy to connect the pony-tailed-nerd with the masked Cinder Girl.

He knew. I didn't know how I felt about that. Sick enough to not get any sleep the past few nights? Sick enough to have dreadful nightmares? He could tell anyone. He could tell the whole world. He could ruin me so easily.

I wanted to blame Jamie. It was so easy to put all the blame on someone else. But that wasn't fair. I knew it wasn't. Jamie hadn't meant anything serious to happen between us anyway. I should've acted a bit mature and smart and not let it get me so shit-drunk. I should've been more careful.

Perhaps that was just it. I wasn't really angry at Jamie when I started ignoring him. I was angry at myself. I was the stupid one here. For the next few days, I made sure to avoid crossing paths with him. Come back home late at night when he was already asleep. Leave our apartment when he hadn't woken up. Wasn't so hard, to be fairly honest. I was having nightmares and zero sleep on a constant basis now.

Jamie and I didn't talk for a whole of three days, not even any of the usual morning greetings.

All until Advanced Writing class the very next day, when Beth asked everyone to pair up with their respective partners and spend the rest of the class working on our portfolios. I think I hesitated a bit before turning around in my chair, and Jamie seemed momentarily surprised when I faced him.

"So," I started out awkwardly, placing my empty notebook, save for some doodles, on his table. I did my best to avoid his eyes as I spoke. "The portfolio. Where were we?"

Jamie stared at me--I could've felt it--before slowly pushing my notebook aside. When his own notebook came into my view, my eyes ran across the various notes he'd already made for the portfolio. Our portfolio. Shouldn't we have worked together?

"You've been working on it this whole time." I tried not to let it get to me, I really did. But hey, I was sleep-deprived and cranky and felt a whole lot sick from the inside. "I did nothing." I didn't want credit when I'd done nothing.

Jamie sighed and nudged the notebook a little more towards me. I pulled back before it could've touched me, gripping my own empty notebook, glaring daggers at his desk instead of at him.

"I tried including you." He sounded impatient. "It's not my fault you're never really there at the apartment when I am."

I bristled a little. "You could've said something about it. You could've left a note."

"I couldn't have." He nearly snapped. "Not when I bloody well know you would've missed it on purpose."

He wasn't wrong. I finally looked him in the eye and glared. His blue eyes widened just a little, before he blinked.

"Whatever." I muttered and started reading the notes he'd made "Let's just get this done with. I don't want to be here any more than you do."