Cold Ashes

nineteen

The moment I woke up, I was back in the infirmary, and the only thing Jade the medic said to me was, "Orias is pissed at you."

Because, of course, that's the first thing you tell someone who'd almost just died with a severe punch to the face.

Perhaps I was exaggerating a bit. But hey, what fun was it to be feeling sore on both sides of your head? The front of my head was throbbing (thanks to River), and so was the back--

"You took off the bandage." My voice sounded raspy as I pressed my fingertips at the back of my head, lightly against the wound Jamie had left me with. Only to find nothing. It wasn't bleeding. There was no bandage. A faint scar but no stitches either. I was left bewildered. "What the--"

"It healed." Jade did not look happy as she eyed me. I swallowed as I looked back at her slightly blurry face. "It had already somehow healed by the time River dragged you in here. With a shiner of his own."

She wasn't saying it, but I felt her silent question in the air. What is going on with you, Dahlia?

I didn't know.

"I don't know how it healed." I pulled my hand back and dropped it down on my lap. "Can you...Can you hand me my glasses?"

"Sure." Her voice was blank. "They're a little broken."

I think I panicked a little. "What do you mean? I...oh." She handed them to me and it really was broken. One of the glass pieces was cracked.

River hadn't just punched me. He'd punched my glasses too.

"How...how am I supposed to see now?" I asked her a little weakly.

There was a beat of silence before I heard Jade sigh. Then she sat down beside me on the infirmary bed and I could make out her face a bit better now.

There was a frown on her face.

"I'm going to call in Orias." She told me. If she saw me stiffening, she said nothing about it. "He asked me to let him know as soon as you wake up."

"He's mad?" My voice came out soft. Scared. I don't know why I asked her that when she'd already told me Orias was pissed. And why wouldn't he be? I'd done everything he wouldn't want me to do.

"Yes." She looked away, then stood back up. "I'll see if I can find your contact lenses."

When she left and I was the only one in the infirmary, I gripped my broken glasses a little tighter and wondered how bad I looked right now. I didn't think I had ever blacked out from a single punch before. Perhaps River really had been angry.

Why wouldn't he be? I thought.

I shifted a little on the bed, pulling on the sheets until I had them tucked just below my chin. I felt cold. I didn't know what was about to happen. Anxiety curled at the pit of my stomach, worming its way up my gut.

He'd be mad. Was everyone mad at me?

When Orias did come in, I suppose I still wasn't expecting him to be so angry. Angry enough to slam the door behind him right as he stepped inside the room with a force that made me jump a little.

"Orias--"

"What were you thinking?" He snapped. I froze. "What in the world were you thinking, Seven?"

I couldn't make out the expression on his face. He was standing at the foot of the bed but was still a little too far away. Was it pathetic that I felt relieved that I couldn't really see the disappointment on his face?

"You injured one of your own men for that abomination!" He sounded furious. Livid. Mad. "Did you even think for one second what you were doing?"

"I...I did." My voice wasn't loud like his. I barely managed one just above a whisper.

"No, you didn't!" He yelled and I flinched. "We were so close. He was just within reach! We could've ended--fucking hell, Seven!"

It wasn't the right time. I knew it wasn't. And I probably should've stayed silent and let him cool off a little. But I didn't think he would've. Orias was mad. I'd done something he'd never expected from me.

"You defied my orders."

"Maybe he isn't evil," I spoke up. The silence that followed made me sit up straighter. "Orias...maybe, maybe we just need to give him a--"

"How long has this been going?" His tone dropped to a lower one. A steady one. Which was somehow worse than him shouting at me. Concealed anger was worse.

"W-What?"

"Ice Phantom." He said his name like it was acid. Foul. Disgusting. "How long has it been since you befriended him, Seven?"

The room was getting colder. There was dread slowly snaking its way around my throat. Pressing and pressing until it felt a bit hard to breathe.

"I...I don't know. I don't know what you're saying." Then I fisted my hands in the sheets as if trying to hold on. To what? "Orias, I hadn't known."

He was pacing now.

"He knows you. He's seen your true face." He gritted out. I looked down at my lap because staring at his blurry figure was making my head pound. "You've been doing this behind my back! You've been defying what the Agency has always taught you! You went against me."

I wanted out. I needed. God, I needed out. And I needed my glasses. I can't be here, I thought.

"I have never...never have I ever been this disappointed in you, Seven." And I heard it. I heard it in his voice.

I couldn't speak.

"Who is he?" He stopped once again and I felt his glare on me. Heated and furious. "Who the fuck is he?"

I shook my head, again and then again, scared. "I don't know. I don't know."

"Don't lie!"

"I'm not lying!" My voice cracked a bit. I was lying. God, I was lying. "I don't...I don't know who he is."

"You can't even fucking look me in the eye."

I pressed my lips together when I felt my chin quivering. I couldn't start crying. Bloody hell. Not in front of Orias.

"I don't have my glasses," I whispered, looking down at my hands, clenching and unclenching them around the sheets. "Orias...I know, I know what I did and I'm sorry. I never...I never meant to go against you. I would never--"

He was shaking his head. I didn't see it fast, but I did after a while. He was shaking his head at me.

"I want you out."

"What?" I looked up at him, blinking and blinking as if that would somehow make his figure a little less blurry.

"Out of here." He answered. "Until I fix this mess, I don't want you here."

It was like a bucket of ice water. Or a bucket full of small sharp-edged stones. All of it being dumped at me so suddenly that I forgot how to breathe.

Because this was Orias and I think he was kicking me out.

"You're...you're kicking me out?" I was having tunnel vision. Blurry tunnel vision. I couldn't even think straight. What was happening?

"I've done worse to people who've disobeyed me, Seven. I would do so much worse if you weren't--" His voice was still harsh. My grip on the sheets went slack. "I want you out of my sight until I fix this. Until I can decide what to do about this."

But this is my home, I wanted to say.

"How...how many days?" I managed, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

"I don't know." He was shaking his head again. Then heading for the door. "I never expected such low from you, Seven. Never."

And then he was gone.

Seven, I thought. Seven Seven Seven. Not once had he called me by my real name.