Zedric's Hotel

big ball of coincidence

"Can Thanos snap his fingers and end me now please?" I say, as I follow Charlie, Vaggie, and the others through the store. "Follow me to the produce aisle and you can end me, Zeddy." Angel Dust says, taking my comment and turning it into something that makes him horny as usual. "You're talking to a hetero, Angel Dust, but let's say for a second, I was gay. Explain to me why I would want to fuck you, next to some pears?" I ask, genuinely curious why he wants it in the produce aisle of all places. Our debate is squashed when Vaggie speaks up. "Zedric, can you go one day without complaining?" Vaggie asks me. "Vaggie, that's the same thing as asking Sonny not to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs." I retort. "Seriously, Zedric, we're trying to focus here." Charlie cuts in. "Oh, I'd love to, princess, but here you go again forcing me into something I don't want to do. On top of that, Vaggie took my phone, and I'm really jonesing to listen to 21st Century Breakdown right about now." I reply. "You can have it back when we're done. Besides, 21st Century Breakdown is their worst album anyway." Vaggie says. "Oh, Vaggie, you haven't heard Father Of All before." I say.

"Seriously, why are we even here? Alastor can make anything appear with the flick of a wrist." I remind everyone. "The responsible thing is to purchase our resources. I mean, if we made Alastor do everything for us, he might as well run the Hotel!" Charlie says, picking up another item. "Wait, and that's a bad idea?" I reply, confused. Vaggie shoots me a dirty look. I simply shrug and sigh because right now I'm tempted to fight Vaggie and get my phone back. "This literally can't get any worse." I say. Suddenly I hear a voice. "Zedric?" I look up to see my mother, with Mairrick right next to her. "Oh, fuck me." I complain aloud. "Zedric!" My mother rushes through with her shopping cart, outright pushing a demon just to get to me. Mairrick follows suit. "Mom, can you not? Can you really not?" I say, trying to avoid the gazes of everyone else. "What? I can't show a little love for my son, who I haven't seen in a while?" She asks innocently. "No, you can't, and you sure as fuck can't do it in public." I reply. "Aw, I think it's adorable." Charlie chimes in. "See, I don't get you boys these days. Your mother wants to be kind to you, and you push it away, for what? To look cool in front of your friends?" Mom asks me. "First off, these are not my friends, specifically that one, that one is not my friend." I say, pointing to Vaggie. "Really?" is all she has to say. "And secondly, if you actually did have a social life when you were in high school, you'd understand why. Honestly, did you watch any of the high school movies I rented for you?" I tell her. "I dropped out of high school, dumbass. And you never returned those films, by the way. I had to pay off your late fees." Mom replies to me. We simply stare at each other. If there weren't others present, we probably would've tried to rip each other's throats out right then and there. "So, I'm assuming you're Zedric's mother, right?" Charlie says, breaking the silence. "Yes." Mom sternly replies. Charlie turns to Mairrick. "So that makes you Zedric's..." Charlie stops. "Brother, unfortunately." Mairrick and I say at the same time. We give each other a look. Angel Dust moves from behind me and towards Mairrick. "Damn, Zeddy, you didn't tell me your brother was so good-looking." He says in a seductive tone. "Hetero, don't even try." I say, grabbing Angel's arm and pulling him back. "Let me guess. This your boyfriend, 'Zeddy'?" Mairrick asks jokingly. "No. Hell no. Not a chance," I reply. "He is my best friend, though." Angel says. "I'm his best friend. On my end, though, we're still figuring that out." I say. "Angel Dust at your service, buddy. And if you're ever looking for a good time, call me." Angel says, handing Mairrick a card with his phone number. Mairrick scoffs, but puts the number in his back pocket. "Any-fucking-way, how's Zedric been? A pain in the ass, I presume?" Mom says, looking at Charlie. "Oh, yes, he has, but it doesn't bug me. He may not look like it, but he's been progressing really well, surprisingly faster than the others." Charlie replies. At this moment, I realize it. This is my nightmare. My mom and Charlie are conversating. I thought I would disappear into nothingness before I actually had to stand here and watch this happen. "Okay, mom, you were just leaving. Go home, please. That beef is going to go bad by the time you're done talking." I say. "What are you making?" Husk asks. "She's trying to recreate Gordon Ramsay's beef wellington." Mairrick answers. "Fuck, I love that man." Mom says, quickly putting a terrifying thought into our heads. "Mom, we really do need to go." Mairrick says. "Oh, okay. Well, it was nice meeting you all." Mom says. "It was nice to meet you too!" Charlie replies happily. "See you, Zedric." Mom says, yanking on my cheek. "See ya around, 'Zeddy'." Mairrick says after giving me a punch in the arm. "Later, cocksuckers." I say. Nice to meet you all? She only acknowledged Charlie. "Okay. Are we done here?" I ask Charlie. "Sorry, Zedric, we're not done yet." Charlie says and continues on. I groan and trudge along.

Later, We're in line when I hear somebody shout "Doobie!". I know exactly what that means. "Well, this is just a big ball of coincidence." I say, turning around to see my dealer jumping up and down, waving at me. "Pretty big fucking ball if you ask me." Angel Dust says as we walk toward him. "Doobie?" He asks me again. I have to give him the password. "Spliff." I reply. "Okay, just had to make sure. What's up, man?" He asks. "Doing just fuckin' peachy. Honestly, I never thought I'd see you outside of that alleyway." I reply. "Hey, I have a life, too, you know." He says. We're still talking when Vaggie interrupts us. "Zedric, who is this?" She asks. "Nunya." I reply sternly, and turn to continue talking with my dealer. "Dude, she's hot." He says. "Nope. Homosexual." I let him know before he attempts anything stupid. "Do you wanna go talk somewhere more private? Literally everyone's looking at us." He says, and I look around. He's right.. "What the fuck do you want?" I yell. Everyone quickly goes back to normal. He drags me away. "Hey, before you say anything, can you not mention me around your suppliers?" I say. "Why?" He asks. "I kinda had a run-in with them when I was with Angel Dust." I admit. He nods. "Okay, dude. Hey, I got the price back to normal." He says. I breathe a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's great. You wouldn't happen to have any now, would you?" I ask. "Come on, man. Do you think I head out with that shit on me? I can't trust nobody." He says. "Yeah, you got a point. See you, man." I say and head back to the group. "You know, he's kind of cute." Angel Dust tells me. "He has a girlfriend." I tell him. "Do you think he's open to poly?" Angel asks. "Probably, but you're gonna have to fight with her about that." I answer.

We finally leave and begin to head back to the Hotel. "So, did everybody have fun?" Charlie asks. "I'm gonna pretend you didn't just ask me that question." I reply. "Zedric, your mom is really nice." Charlie tells me. "Yeah, you didn't have to deal with her for 20 years so I'll be the judge of that." I reply. Charlie looks at me funny. I turn to Vaggie. "Hey, give me back my phone." I say to Vaggie, which she does. After today's events, I have to play a song that's a perfect fit for my problem.

Because the truth is...

"For all I know, the best is over and the worst is yet to come..."