ALWAYS AND FOREVER

Letting Go

He asked me what I wanted. I sat silently, almost choking from the words of begs and request for forgiveness. I sat as if I was too soft to end things that I badly wanted to work really well.
God, I tried my best to make it work but it felt like we reached the end of the road and it was never scenic to say it was all worth it. And all I had while the silence of the night kept soothing in was my urge to ask for forgiveness.

I wanted to apologize for being more than enough, for showering too much love, for always giving and giving and giving even if his cup was already full. I wanted to apologize for being so easy to read and being so predictable that he no longer had anything exciting to expect from me.

I wanted to apologize for always being welcoming, that instead of teaching him a lesson for every mistake that he made, all I gave in return were my arms to hold him and tell him that there's no way I'll love him less.

I wanted to tell him that I was so sorry for always being too delicate for his hold, that I always cry but never argue. That I always love gently and selflessly. It was too unbelievable that the only mistake I made here was love him unconditionally, with nothing much to expect in return but just his constant existence and little willingness to stay.

"What do you want?" it echoed throughout the ghost town of his desires to end things with me.

"Whatever you want," I replied.

Silence. Another prolonged silence.

"You know what I want but it's you who has to say it."

Another wave of painful silence that's beyond repair, now I felt it underneath my chest.

"Let's end this," I said, trying my best to gulp down my tears as I started gathering my things and walked away.

I still love him but he doesn't like the way I love him. He doesn't want too much love from someone he's not really into.
And he wanted me to end things so he'll never turn out to be the bad person here. I knew it. I always knew it.

And as my steps took me further to where I left him, I realized I could still love him in silence, down to the bottom of my broken dreams. I could still drown for him and still offer my nights for his nightmares. I could still love him and love him and love him until it keeps hurting me. I could still drown in our memories without needing my longing to reach him.

I still love him and I still don't know when it'll fade. But for now, I know someday soon it will all cease. I still love him but at least now, I have a reason to stop.