Dis Aliter Visum

Chapter 30

This was insane. This was complete madness. Kurapica was walking back and forth in the foyer on the first floor, clenching and unclenching his fists as he thought himself into a frenzy. That man, that man! First, he had hinted, touched a little, but it had been easy to write it off. Then came the kiss, and since then, since then, Kurapica's thoughts had been just whirling 'round and 'round in a constant cycle of frustration and confusion. When Kuroro had fallen off of the cliff, Kurapica should have felt elated, happy, relieved. But those feelings hadn't come until he'd seen the man alive and well. It was all backwards now. All completely backwards, and Kurapica was certain that this was what the Spider head had planned from the beginning. He'd been so distraught over the sudden turn his emotions had taken that he had refused to even look at the other man after that.

And then, Kuroro had touched him. Really touched him, in a way no one had ever done before. It should have felt gross, should have felt awful. But it had felt so good, so good and now? Now he felt humiliated. And ashamed. He didn't know how to face the older man, dvidn't know how to find the courage to go back up again. But he had to. Eventually, he would have to get back up there. He'd done many things that he felt ashamed of in his quest to reclaim the stolen Scarlet Eyes – stolen by this very man, he reminded himself sternly – many things he hoped no one else would ever know he had done. This was just one more. He could do this. He could go back up there, and treat this as something unimportant. A small price to pay to get the Eyes back. He could do this.

Like hell.

Kuroro looked up when Kurapica returned, but he thankfully didn't say anything. The blond couldn't even meet his eyes. He made his way to one of the bed quietly and slipped under the cover, fully dressed. There was no way he was going to remove his clothes or change to sleep. Not after what had just happened between Kuroro and him. No way. He turned his back on the older man and heard a page turn. The bastard didn't even look flustered. He was just sitting there, reading, as if he hadn't just – he didn't just – he wasn't –

Kurapica couldn't even think it.

The blond listened to the steady sound of pages turning every few minutes. He didn't think he would be able to sleep. Not when he was this aware of the man behind him, of the sounds coming from him, of his presence in the room. He felt so tense, his entire back and shoulders hurt. He didn't think he could ever fall asleep like this. But he did, eventually.

He came awake when the smell of coffee roused him. He had been dreaming, but he wasn't sure what the dream was about anymore. He raked his hand through his hair. Kuroro appeared beside his bed and wordlessly handed him a cup of coffee. Kurapica accepted it gratefully, but he didn't trust himself to look at the man just yet. He took a sip and ran a hand through his hair again. “Thank you,” he finally said. He knew he was blushing, but there was very little he could do to prevent it.

Kuroro paused next to him. Kurapica tried to focus on his coffee so he wouldn't have to look at him. The silence got heavier and heavier. Finally, Kuroro asked, “Are you angry?”

Kurapica thought about it for a moment. “I'm confused,” he finally said, honestly enough. “Can I... ask you for something?”

A rustle of clothes and Kuroro sat on the bed next to him. “Go ahead,” he prompted.

Kurapica took a moment to gather his thought. “I don't... really understand your reasoning,” he finally said. “It makes very little sense to me. When you, when you touched me, I, ah...” He cleared his throat. “I just couldn't think. And I need to think right now. I really, really need to put my thoughts in order.” He saw Kuroro nod from his peripheral vision. “Next week,” he began, then hesitated. “Next week, my friends are getting together in Zaban city. I'd really, I'd really like to go and see them.”