𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐧/𝐍~

~𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘦𝘴~

Am I the only person who feels the deepest shame only for things I have zero control over? I can say thank you in eight languages, but the only words that want to come tumbling out are "I'm sorry, I....I'm sorry, but... I'm sorry that..." I've stopped being able to respond to most messages, I don't answer the phone, and commenting here (even though I read a ton of people's work) is impossible. All of these things make me feel like I'm failing at basic human connection, at being a good friend, at the most important thing to me, which is appreciation for all of the people I care about, and who care about me. The worst part is that I know it's not my fault. It's a symptom. I know I know I know. But knowing and being able to stop the guilt from crashing down are two different things. I'm as functional as an empty refrigerator- if you open the door the light will come on, but you won't get anything out of it. Of me. And I hate it. So I guess this post is really just one long apology. and me trying to make sense of these feelings so I can move past them. I'm sorry this is all I can do right now.

𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐖𝐚𝐬 𝐈 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐝?
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 
𝐈 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭.
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐢 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐀𝐦 𝐢 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐲?
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 
𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐫𝐲.
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐈 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐢𝐭.
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮
𝐈'𝐦 𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐘
𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐈 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞,
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲
𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲