Izuku The Timelord: Early Adventures

Chapter 7.5: The Aftermath

Izuku's POV

White, pure white, never ending white. All I saw was the color white, I couldn't make out any other color. One moment I was beating the Varlet to a bloody pulp then next I a flash of light had appeared. I tried to lift up my hands to see my arms, but I only saw nothing. Then I realized, even in this pure white world I'm in I even can't see myself. I couldn't really see anything else at all. No furniture, no objects, no pillars, no floor, and especially no people. But I felt this inherit feeling with this white place. It was a feeling of similarity, a feeling of mutual understanding even, a feeling I can relate to with it.

Empty, I felt empty and this white room shares the same feeling I think? Both me and it are empty, one being actually empty with nothing in it. The other is thoughts and feelings filled with a sense of emptiness and unsatisfaction. Since I still harbored thoughts about the aftermath of my duel with the Varlet. Why am I unsatisfied? Didn't I win? I have beaten the Varlet in his own game. I didn't give him the chance to be satisfied a victory against me. I had won and he had lost. And yet after I had won...How come I don't feel like a winner? Most victors describe the feeling of winning as a moment of great emotions such as joy, excitement, ecstasy, etc.

And yet I feel none of that, the only feeling I have is just emptiness. Why is it like that? Why can't I feel like the victor for once? Did I do something wrong? Did I miss a page in the manual of how to be a winner? Was my victory not worth it enough for me to feel genuine happiness and joy? Was my victory only short lived? Just momentary pleasure, gone in the wind...And yet I never even had the satisfaction to enjoy it while it lasted. Didn't I work hard for this victory? Didn't I have to go toe-to-toe against a being that has vast amounts of knowledge about fencing and I had none? Didn't I have to improvise all of my movements to make sure I wouldn't be killed by him?

And yet...And yet...Why? Why can't I feel happy that I did all of this!? Why can't I pat myself in the back for defying the odds and winning!? WHY!?! Is it hard? For Kami-sama's sake it sure isn't! And yet I, Izuku Yagi, can't even commend myself for doing something! Or anything for that matter! Why can't I just be proud of my actions for once!? Why must I never have the satisfaction other people have!? Why can't I be happy!? Why can't I just enjoy it!? Why must I feel empty!? Why must I feel underwhelmed!? Why must I always be left discontent!? These feelings pf malcontent have gone far enough! And yet every single time! They always keep going farther and farther!

I!...I!...I...I...Why am I even angry about this? I've always felt empty when doing something...So why complain further? I know I had won against the Varlet and expecting for those feelings of happiness and all...But why bother when you know that you'll still feel unsatisfied...I never knew why I started to feel like this...Was it the lack of praise when I was younger? No, I never liked the praise and all...But I did like the feeling of being commended for one's actions...Sigh why do I even boggle about this topic? I've done it multiple times now...And yet I've never made a proper conclusion...

Maybe...Just maybe...I'm boggling over this because of the battle. How I was left unsatisfied by it and it's outcome...How the Varlet just stopped squirming after that last hit...How his body went limp and his blood-soaked eyes became lifeless...I remember the chill up my spine as I watched it...Wait...Why am I changing subject? Anyways, I'm boggling over this because the Varlet wanted me too. Maybe my feelings of victory were nonexistent because he had not allowed me too have any...Maybe he was the Victor after all...What am I even saying!? That's some conspiracy level of theorizing...Maybe there's another reason? Maybe I feel this way because of what I had done to him?