𝔹𝕚𝕘 𝕊𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕂𝕟𝕠𝕨𝕤 𝔹𝕖𝕤𝕥

𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕖𝕝𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟 - ɢʀᴏᴡᴛʜ (ꜰʟᴏᴡᴇʀꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴏʀᴅꜱ) ᴀɴᴅ ɢʀɪᴇꜰ (ᴄᴏʟᴏʀꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴀꜱᴛᴇꜱ)

     You don't really know what to do with the lack of information. Just almost, you wished future you would've given more information as to where it went wrong. But you didn't get that.

Already, you feel guilty. A large part of the plot was how Takemichi was repetitively going back in time, striving for a 'perfect' future. Unable to let go, just like how you imagined you could be. Already you were proven correctly.

You had to let go. You had to-

But how? The grief is still there, all the mourning and aching. You miss your family. You miss your friends. You even miss the small moments of peace between you and your own older sister, you miss looking at your younger brother and feeling such pride (you still feel it when you look at Tetta, but it's not the same. It never will be.), you miss old foods and your old body. You miss your best friend's laugh, you miss the random memes that people sent you on instagram, you miss your laptop, you miss your material possessions and your life. You miss so many things; you miss how you used to enjoy some foods so much, but this body doesn't let you. You miss how your eyes used to be, how your hair used to part, you miss the colors you loved wearing because you looked good in them. It's all messed up now, because now different colors make you look good, and everything is so, so wrong. 

You're not meant to be here. The colors are wrong.

You lived in a different world in a different time; you'd never faced violence, never had to face a reality where guns were used in front of you, never really saw somebody beaten up unless in the news. You miss your sheltered life where you were safe and secure, even if you'd been sad, you had been safe. Your siblings had been safe. Your family was safe.

Here? Here, there was an ever-looming danger that made you paranoid. You couldn't escape this world of violence. You didn't even know if you could get Tetta out of here, because the strings of plot had taken ahold of the two of you and there would be no escape. You should've said goodbye to Shinichiro when you first saw him, should have played it off as a chance meeting and been more careful.

Or maybe there was no way of staying away from the plot. You knew what would-could-happen. How could you ignore it? You'd already ignored it enough, keeping it to yourself.

Maybe it was you that tied into the plot. Maybe-

Maybe it isn't a plot at all.

Maybe, just maybe, it doesn't have to be about a story. Maybe your information doesn't matter, in the small fraction of knowledge you hold. Maybe you're not restrained to roles or a story or a plot. Maybe you just know a possibility.

And maybe you don't have to let that control you.

Maybe, just- maybe. 

You can choose what you want, and this time completely ignore canon. It's mildly stupid, it can end up worse than you trying to follow along with the strings. 

Instead of following along like a puppet, maybe your struggle can cut those strings and free you.

(You can only hope.)

--

The first thing you do when you're allowed out of the hospital is hug Tetta. You pick him up and hold him from where he cries beside you. He'd been staying with Shinichiro (something you'd only barely allowed, since he couldn't stay in the hospital with you), and he seemed relatively happy there. Not that you'd really know.

Speaking of, Shinichiro had offered you a place with him. Not in a weird way, but genuinely. He wanted to make sure you had somewhere safe to stay, even if only until you got up on your feet. You already had money saved up for an apartment, enough for rent, and you were lucky enough to find a cheap one near Suki's Sweets. Your pay was good, but you didn't know how you'd juggle school and work, if you wanted to pay for an apartment, even a cheap, shitty one. Hell, the only reason you were sure you'd be able to get an apartment by now was because you realized nobody really cared for the law around here, in a place where gangs run fairly rampant. You could've left earlier, you remind yourself, but you..you didn't. You never did.

You didn't really know why. Maybe it was a fear of total independence, even if it made no sense. Or something else. 

(It's only been two weeks since you died and were reborn. Barely any time at all. It had taken you that first week to get used to Tetta's schedule, to get used to school, to get used to your job. Hell, you hadn't even realized there was a stash of money under the floor of yours and Tetta's room until halfway through the second week.)

So you would have to go back to that apartment. Where that woman would be. You had to get your money, had to get Tetta's shark and everything else in that apartment that you paid for, because any money that woman mysteriously got (you thought maybe it was child support money or something) was spent on her alcohol or expensive jewelry. 

It made you shiver. A part of you knew why, but you didn't want to accept you'd been- hurt like that.

Abuse is such a strong word, you muse to yourself while holding Tetta's hand and walking to Shinichiro's house. 

You don't want to accept you're scared of a word-

But you're already scared of colors.

Your fears are nonsense enough for you to not care.

--

[+300 words in notes so uh.]

btw readers im getting kinda tired of yall constantly bashing yn

yn is not meant to be a perfect character here!! she's very blind-sided + selfish bc she's only looking out for tetta rn. she does not know how to go about that. she pretty recently literally died and was reincarnated, without many memories of the plot. she doesnt know how she impacts the story and doesnt even remember the full story, just remembers the key events.

she was inevitably going to fuck up, guys! her method wasn't full-proof and it wasn't meant to be, and you're meant to be mad at her, but you can't expect her to go do whatever she wants. she's vividly aware of what her actions will lead to. she knows that if she follows through her plan she'll die, which was her literal plan, guys. she was going to trade her life for tetta.

i'm sorry, i just feel like a lot of you are bashing yn just for not immediately going for a char that the fandom itself doesn't hold full info on!! she doesnt know him!! he is a stranger. they WILL (probably) have a romance but it will be a slow burn. or at least considered one. you can expect their relationship but not soon. 

for tetta it's different bc he's a kid, and she's the only one who will be there for him. she's not going to leave him alone, and in case you haven't noticed, she still has issues from her past life. 

yn is not perfect (nor will she ever be perfect) but she's trying to be better. especially shown in this chap, where she becomes more self-aware. where she realizes the plot isn't all-knowing. maybe her information doesn't matter.

also, special knowledge abt the flowers used for the top n bottom of the chap. they're clematises
pink clematis represents a love for family and friends, black clematis is like beauty of ingenuity, blue clematis can represent loyalty. take that as you will :)