We Stitch These Wounds

Now I'm Left With Thoughts Of Suicide -11-

*Trigger Warning*

Five days. It's been five days since the guys found out. They've all been so extra cautious with me as if I was a rabid mutt on a street.

Most people - I'm guessing - would love that. Having everyone like putty in the palm of your hand and being able to do anything you wanted to without much of an argument. I hate it. I want the people who said they loved me back. The ones who said we were brothers. I don't wake up to being the bottom of a dog pile anymore. They barely even touch me. Even Ashley has stopped a lot of interaction with me. I wallowed in depression and self-pity on my bed. I was the only one here, leaving me to drown in my thoughts. All of the guys were in their last classes and I was left here. I couldn't wrestle with my demons right now. Right now, I'm on the edge of a break-down from today's events.

-~-

As I was walking back to the dorm, a hand slapped over my mouth and I tried to scream. I could tell that it was the couple of guys that had been beating me up almost every day. I kicked and flailed around, but had no avail. I finally bit down on the hand as hard as I could. "Ah, fuck!" The guy withdrew his hand and I ran off, wiping blood that came out of his hand off of my lips.

His friend grabbed me and tackled me to the ground they gagged me and carried me to a random dorm building and into - what I'm assuming to be - their room. "Faggot's gotta learn a lesson." The taller one said. "I'll teach it to you." He winked at me as he used business ties to tie my wrists to the headboard.

It took me a moment to process what was going on until his partner took the gag out and quickly replaced it with his lips. I tried to push him off, but the tall one took that as if I wanted friction and I was bucking my hips. I pulled pants and underwear down and took me in his mouth. Even with these two men assaulting me, my hands were untying the binds on my wrists. When I got them both undone, I bit down on the shorter one's tongue that was invading my mouth and punched the bulge in his pants. I sat up and punched the taller one's face and kicked the bulge in his pants, too. I quickly pulled up my pants and underwear as I ran out of the room. I could hear them chasing after me and I started run faster. My breathing was getting heavy and tears were clouding my vision, but I didn't stop.

I began to thank the lord I didn't believe in for giving me long gazelle legs as I was speeding through the campus. I ran around a dorm building and ran in through the back door. I hid in a closet underneath the stairs and locked it. I stayed put for about ten minutes before coming out of the closet. (I just love that sentence) I ran back to our dorm/apartment and here I am now.

-~-

I bit down on my hoodie sleeves and tried to think of anything other than the craving of putting the steel to my wrist. I grabbed my hair, thinking how fast it had grown in only a business week. It had grown to right under my ears and my blonde roots were showing. The thoughts came back, though and I couldn't resist. I got up and began to take off my hoodie. I threw it in the vicinity of the living room area and walked into the bathroom with a couple sheets of loose leaf paper.

I sat down on the toilet lid and began to write.

Dad. You are no father to me. It's a no wonder Mom left. Burn in hell. I'll see you there. -Andy

CC, Jake, and Jinxx. I don't know why, but you've stopped acting like my friends. Now it's like I'm a psych patient that's violently unstable and you're the terrified nurses. I just wanted my friends to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. But you never did. I got tired of it. I just wanted my friends back. -Andy

Ashley You were always gentle with me, but it was in a more of... I was a fragile vase. But now, it's like I have the Black Plague. You don't interact with me nearly as much an it's killing me. I might as well speed it up and kill myself. I didn't want you to treat me like that. You made me feel loved. And not in the friendly or family type of way, either. I knew you had a crush on me. I had a crush on you, too. I just wanted you to make me feel loved. You, CC, Jake, and Jinxx were the only ones that truly made me feel loved. I guess that all went down the drain. You never told me that it was going to be okay. I'm scared to the point of where I'm writing this. I'll see you later in the hospital if I survive... And if I do, bring me my red notebook. Don't look in it, please. Just please bring it. -Andy

I looked through the cabinet behind the mirror and grabbed as many pill bottles as I could. I grabbed my razor from behind the toilet and I sat down in the dry bathtub. I dry swallowed about two and a half bottles and I switched over to the metal rectangle. I sliced open my skin over and over, getting deeper and deeper as I progressed. Once I had filled up both of my arms with not an inch of skin that wouldn't be scarred, I switched back to the pills. I swallowed the other half of a bottle and I felt the dizziness begin. I began to cut my shoulders, chest, and stomach. I don't know exactly why I did. I just wanted to. I just wanted to punish myself to the point of where I could go to hell and let Hades discipline me himself.

I laid down on my soon-to-be deathbed and I let my breathing slow down. My mind became groggy and I closed my eyes. My last thought was the fact that I never shed a single tear during all of this.

-&-

Title Cred: Let Live- Of Mice & Men