I'll love you

+{What caused your panic attack?}+

Before we get started this is gonna be a very angsty chapter so be warned. 

TW- Suicidal thoughts, Self Harm, and Panic attack.. anyway start reading

P.S. if you see something along the lines of -omg what just happened- that means its a thought, just to be clear mkay

'the elemental spider'

TW- Self Harm
     I wake up at 7:00am sharp as usual and I release myself from the soft pillows and blankets to get a shower. I make sure my door and windows are still locked and i head into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I get into the bathroom and notice that i have only unscented items and white towels. I forgot i was wearing my HYDRA gear when  i went to sleep.. i take off the full body clothing and the combat boots. It reveals all my scars and then i look in the mirror and see all the cuts along my arms. I kind of forgot i did that, i mean i don't feel it... I sigh to myself and pull out a razor from the medicine cabinet and feel a sudden urge to cut myself again. I try to hold back the thought but the voices start talking to me again, 'Y/N nobody can help you' -their lying..- 'you are the problem' -i'm not the problem- 'They can't help you Y/N' i just lose the grip on my emotions and give in, i remove the razor blade and use it against myself. The pain isn't there but the sight is revolting, i just can't let anyone find out. I finish with the blade and get ready to shower. 

{Time Skip}

   I walk out of the shower and i leave the bathroom to get dressed, but quickly realize there is no clothing. I sigh getting my HYDRA uniform back on and walk out of my bedroom as soon as it hit 7:30am. I then see one door open, someone i haven't met personally but i know who she is walks out. Agent Natasha Romanoff, former Red Room spy, aswell as a former HYDRA associate, currently known as the superhero Black Widow. She looks at me and her eyes widen at me obviously noticing the HYDRA clothing i have on, i wave and she softens her gaze slightly, 'Hello, your Natasha Romanoff right?' she nods 'Yes.. who are you and what are you doing here' she puts me into a headlock and i sigh 'i'm the newest Avenger, Y/N L/N i'm quite similar to Bucky Barnes due to the fact i was taken by HYDRA two years ago, Brainwashed mind' she doesn't loosen her arms at all so i do a flip forward move causing her to go in front of me but she quickly gains back her balance.

 Thats when the voices show up, great timing huh 'Y/N she's gonna hurt you, she'll make everyone hate you' that's when i yell 'SHUT! UP!' I fall to the floor while covering my ears and tears start forming in my eyes. I begin shaking vigorously and honestly i have no clue whats happening and the voices won't shut up, but because of the voices i don't pay attention to my surroundings and I feel eyes on me. Someone puts their hand on my chin and forces me to look up, but my eyes are clenched shut. The person starts speaking and I slightly open my eyes and see Peter Parker himself just telling me to breathe. The boy puts his forehead against mine while Bruce Banner walks in and he whispers something to the boy holding onto me. He nods and pulls me onto his lap, 'shh, Y/N your gonna be alright, your having a panic attack, you'll be okay' i nod and he picks me up when my breathing starts to calm. I'm suddenly in my room again, sobbing in Peters arms.

He whispered sweet, reassuring words in my ear to ease my thoughts and i refuse. i refuse. i refuse to let myself tell him anything. I can't hear him speak anymore, maybe because i was refusing to be 100% emotionally vulnerable. i only hear the voices, telling me telling me ti kill myself. I feel him run his fingers through my hair, when he puts my head into his chest and I begin to listen to his heartbeat. The rhythmic sound calms me down and my breathing starts to calm and the thoughts start to disappear, and i can hear him say things to try to get me to calm down 'Y/N hey im right here' his voice is soft and understanding, i want to melt into his arms but i can't bring myself to be fully vulnerable.  I realize my hands are clenched to his shirt and my knuckles were turning white because of how tight i was grabbing onto him. I release him and my breathing and i bury my head in his chest 'hey.. do you want to talk about it?' i look up to him and i open my mouth but i can't bring myself to say anything. He pulls out his phone and texts someone then a little while after Wanda walks in, he nods to her and her hands begin to glow red like last time and i start to speak, but not at will 'most of  the time.. most days.. i feel. . . nothing i dont feel anything.. that is so boring...' i sigh unable to stop talking 'i wake up and i think again really? i have to do this again? ' i take a heavy breath in 'no matter what i do.. i don't feel anything. I hurt myself, it doesn't hurt.. i buy what i want, i don't want it.. i do what i like. . . ' i whisper out one final phrase  'i don't like it' Wanda's hands stop glowing and she engulfs me in a hug before nodding at Peter and leaving.

He picks me up and starts to speak again 'Y/N... when you go to sleep tonight a few more memories will come back to you and you're going to remember your past relationships' he starts to get up but i decide to TRY to be bold and i grab his hand 'please... don't leave...' he smiles softly and sits back down pulling me onto his lap. He looks down on the floor, his demeanor is very sad compared to his usual happy go lucky type personality 'Y/N do you remember anything other than the time we were attacked by the creep?' for some reason i really, really want to tell him i remember him and everyone that i apparently knew in the past, but i can't because i don't know. I shake my head 'i'm sorry peter...'  he nodded glumly but replaced it with a smile quickly and responded "well, wanda told me you'll gain back all of your memories once we figure out your trigger words not just the ones you'll get tonight" I smiled and suddenly felt a feeling of hope that i might just get to know what happened in my childhood. I hug him and he gets up all whilst carrying me bridal style "you ready to go downstairs?" i nod and get up noticing that the entire front of his shirt is soaked in tears 'i'm sorry- i got your shirt wet' he laughs which makes me pout 'that's alright Y/N, i have plenty more' I nod realizing im still in the clothes i was given in HYDRA 'hey uh.. i need to get... new... clothing' he looked down at my black super-soldier uniform and nodded 'i'll talk to Mr. Stark about it he'll probably have Mrs. Potts take you' i nodded and headed towards the door. 

{Time Skip brought to you by: "Shakespear in the park? Doth thine mother know you wearEth her drapes?"}

Peter had walked back in with Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, 'Y/N, my wife Pepper will be taking you to the mall to get you your... essentials... and clothing' Pepper rolled her eyes and started speaking 'Y/N! it's nice to meet you i'm Pepper as you can see, i apologize for your long wait. Follow me to the Limo and we'll head out' i nodded and walked behind her to the jet-black vehicle where a man was sitting in the drivers seat, 'Hello Happy, this is Y/N L/N. Y/N this is Happy' i shyly waved at the figure and he waved back 'Tony said you ladies were going to the mall yes?' Pepper nodded and the man started up the car. I looked to Pepper and wanted to say something but couldn't find the words, 'Y/N you look troubled is something wrong?' i looked around frantically 'N-no Mrs. Potts' she laughed 'please, call me Pepper! but i know something is up, you can tell me' i nodded quickly thinking up of something to tell her to shift the subject 'Did HYDRA put a tracker in me?' she looked a little shocked but it faded into a smile 'Bruce already removed it and destroyed its hardware, you're going to be just fine!' i smiled, maybe i finally am free of HYDRA for the time being.. 

The rest of the ride was pretty normal, Pepper and i chatted about things we liked, more specifically Clothing, and scents of items we like although i don't have much to say due to having been brainwashed by HYDRA i don't really like much. 

'hey y/n'

'Yeah pepper?'

'What caused you're panic attack?'

HOLY SHEEEEEEEEEESH 1500 words ATLEAST? we love long chapters. Anyway guys PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT commit self harm and if you do please find help! There are ways to get help, please don't commit Suicide either its not a good thing and it doesn't solve your problems.. i just want you guys to know I CARE ABOUT YOU and i love you platonically. I hope you guys have a wonderful Day/Night/Morning/Evening and i hope you have a great week i'm proud of you