Healing, Magic, And Unexpected Adventures

Chapter Twelve - It'll Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Someone was pressing a cool cloth to my forehead. It soothed the headache that was squeezing my temples.

After a few moments of dazed confusion, I recognised the symptoms of a concussion. Pieces of memory began floating around in my mind, trying to connect so that they could form a hazy picture of what had happened.

I opened my eyes, taking in my surroundings at a much slower rate than usual.

I was on a bed, Uncle Bilbo sitting beside me, holding the cloth gently. Ori was perched at the end of the bed, with Bofur beside him. I noticed the others standing anxiously by the door.

'Bouvardia, you're awake,' Uncle Bilbo sighed.

'I told you she'd be fine,' Ori said. He was looking at me when he said this, but I knew the comment was directed at Dori.

'You are incredibly lucky,' Thorin said, with his old indifference back. 'Not many people could survive after abandoning their company.'

'Abandoning?'

I frowned, trying to work out what Thorin meant.

'You ran off, if you can recall,' he said icily. 'Trying to save yourself.'

'Thorin,' Uncle Bilbo said harshly. 'She's just woken up.'

'Actually I was trying to save all of you,' I said, looking Thorin in his eyes. They widened in shock, then realisation, and finally I saw immense regret in them. 'But if you believe me to be so shallow, then you might as well say that I ran off to save myself.'

I was partially expecting it from Thorin, but everyone looked guilty. They had all thought I had done it for myself.

'All of you,' I whispered. 'You all... After everything, you all thought I would just do that.'

I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and pushing myself to me feet.

'Bouvardia, don't -' Uncle Bilbo began, but I cut him off.

'I want to be alone,' I said, harsher than intended.

I walked out, and thankfully nobody tried to stop me. I tried to fight the tears welling up in my eyes, but there was no use. It honestly would have been better if they had done some terrible crime to me, because then I could have pointed at it and gone: 'Here you are - here's why it hurts so much!'

But there was nothing to explain the emptiness inside my heart. Even bloody Bofur had been whispering behind my back about how bad of a person I was.

I found myself outside in a lush meadow, trees dotted about the place and flowers in full bloom despite the fact that autumn was slowly creeping onwards.

This is what happens when you choose to be vulnerable, I thought, sliding down the trunk of a tree. You get hurt, and you find out that there's no one there to help you.

The worst part? Even though it had happened to me so many times - even though I had been stabbed in the back and beaten down and had somebody close to me go ahead and rip my heart out - I hadn't seen it coming. The idea that the company could do that to me hadn't even been the subject of my worst nightmares until it was staring me in the face.

I buried my face in my arms and cried openly, no longer caring who saw because the others had made it obvious what they thought of me.

I stayed there for the most part of the day. By late afternoon I was picking daffodils and making a flower crown out of them to distract myself.

I heard footsteps behind me - too loud to be a hobbit.

'Leave me alone,' I said.

'I wanted to say sorry.'