Love thoughts

hard feelings

Honestly sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me you know what I mean I never heard him say it for me and that kind of make me feel empty like I'm being in friend zone like he did spend time with but I think as a friend that sit
Today was a normal one just like the others Jack came to school I saw him but he didn't say hi I didn't want to talk to him me too to be honest, I wasn't on the mood to talk so I just walked away then I got three classes .Then it was break so I just got some chocolate in my hand and I was checking my phone scrolling in insta and then someone took a bite from it I looked sedenly and it was Matt so he smiled at me and said «dang you're so bad what that face means » «why did you came?» I really didn't want to talk to anyone «okay calm down I just came to say hello » « okay you said it so you can go now» «hey what happened why are you so mad» «nothing I just don't want to talk » when I was saying that Jack past from the class and saw me with Mat I didn't really care if he'll get mad I'm just tired of thinking about every body I had some problems this week at home my sister has diabetes and this time she got really sick I was afraid about her I couldn't even sleep at night I was always thinking maybe something bad will happened to her maybe she'll get coma or something like that and that all most was going to kill me...
So yeah it was a boring day of school I got home I checked in the fridge I didn't want to eat you know at summer I got a really bad depression I forgot sometimes to eat like all day with just some water that sit so I was afraid to get an ED which is really hard and scary so you just need to keep your mind busy so that you don't get depressed and also you need to get through problems by your own self cause nobody gonna help you.
So I've just one year left and I'll graduate but Jack it for this year for him so I wanted to know if he's studying and which college would he choose so the hole weekend I was preparing for the exams damn you don't know how much I do hate study and the week of exams it really boring. It Monday so get up and get dressed like usually I saw Matt at school then I went to my exams I had three for Monday so it wasn't bad I think I'll get good marks so I'm my way to get home I saw Jack he called me «hey Rose wait» «hi » « where have you been ?» «I'm here it just the exams you know» «yeah I know don't get nervous you get this » « yeah thanks what about you are excited for the graduation this year?» «yeah yeah I'm getting close I got plans to it » «mmh that sounds good » he didn't want to tell what those plants I didn't want to ask so that fine I was really tired so I said to him «well keep going I got to go I'm tired sorry » «it okay see you later»
So I get home all I wanted is sleep and rest that what happened I took a nap and the I got my coffee after that I started revising for the others exams dang I hate that I don't have any motivation to do that so I looked at the window to check maybe Jack will be there I didn't find anyone like usually so I went back to my room and started studying I got to revise math and history the most toow subjects that I hate.
I went tomorrow to school I was nervous and scared about math cause I know for sure I won't get good at it. It okay life it not just studying we don't which day we will died maybe today when I'm taking my exam we should do anything we like I know I'm just lying to myself but it okay it makes me feel better so I was waiting for my class to be empty and our turn to get the exam then I saw Jack coming he sets close to me and said «what you got for today» «math » «oh okay now I get why your pretty nervous » so I was shaking my legs and my hand were in the top of them so he put his hand on mine and said to me «hey calm down it just an exam you got this » well that was like a dream danm the way he said it makes me get relaxed and smiled to him and said «well I hope so ,thank you » then he blinks to me and left so it was time I past the exam it was really hard but I hope I'll get some good marks.
Well the hole week was very hard and I got really tired so I decided that for the weekend I'll just rest at home in my room with some movies that sit I won't go out or anything else,but then Matt called me on my way to home so I picked up the phone that he said there's like a group of our classmates and the will get a coffee and some cakes I said to him that I can't and honestly I think that kind of boring because there are some of them that I don't know so I decided that I won't go he felt sad about it I said for the next time I promise.
So I get home I was tired so I just got my pyjama and jumped to the bed I took my laptop and then to the movies I watched many of them there was a movie named «little women» it was a good one I really liked ,After like two movies I felt sleep .
So the hole weekend I was on my bed I didn't even want to eat I was really tired. Well the weekend ends it time to get the results I went to school really stressed about that ,so in my way Jack called in the phone I check it he said «hey how are you » «fine » «hey wait for I see you from Far I'm coming » I turned back and saw him coming so I waited for him then when he comes he started looking at me danm that eye contact every time got me I can't resist it so I wanted to cut that eye contact by saying «so how was the exams » «not that bad and you?» «well ever time I said that not bad or yess I have everything correct it end up in a horrible way so I'm not gonna say nothing for this time» he laughed and said «you're right » «so ...did » «what ?..just say it» I know what he's gonna ask about if I did went with Matt«did you went somewhere this weekend » «no, the whole weekend I was on my bed for like 48hours I was really tired » .So we arrived to school he said to me« hey don't be so nervous » «well I hope that too thanks ».
Well my marks wasn't that bad but not for math every time a horrible one I got really tired of that like every time I try so hard to get the good marks and in the end zero nothing just the same grades it doesn't change.
So after school on my way to home I saw Matt with Jack walking home,so honestly I didn't want to talk to any f them so I just walked and ignored them. The only thing that I wanted to do is just get rest and sleep I was so tired that I couldn't even wanna eat so I walked home and locked my door and went to take a long nap..
On Friday I texted John if he's home so I can come cause i was bored and i missed that another reason but just between us:) so he said yes you should come i need yor help so I want there and i found jhon in a funny and in the same time horrible situation he was so messed he said "hi i really need your help i still have exams to past so  i can't do everything if you can  please just this time help me and i won't do it twice promise" I said to him "okay what the matter what you want me to do?" he said "I need you to help us to make dinner "at that moment I laughed cause i felt like a mother who need to cook some dinner for her children so I accepted it and stefan came to help he's so cute so we made some pasta was easy to make so it didin't take so much time so jhon came up and loocked at that pasta and smiled to me then he said "what would i do withou you thank you so much you're the best " i felt the weird feeling you know well what i mean that dangreous zone the FUCKING FRIEND ZONE ugh i hope that my overthiking not be true this time so we made up the table and started our dinner then Matt show uo he was at the gym so he was sueprised that was there so he said hey then went to take shower so i didn't to eat so after not a long period I said that I need to go home then Jhon wanted me to stay i didin't want really so I said that i need to sleep cause I'm tired so he said that "okay wait I'm coming with you" I said "okay if you want " so we went outside then he start " Rose thank you so much really " "anytime Jhon you know that I'm the only who can make delecuis pasta " he laughed "thet true you're the only one" then he started smile at me I couldn't resist so i breaked thet eye contact then he asks"what the matter Rose you're not good what happens?" i wanted to say so many things i wanted to say that i love him and i wonder why he can't see that or why we are in this stupid situation but i couldn't so i just said "nothing I'm just tired what about are stressed for exams" "yeah a little but i'm happy that this is the last ones and i will be free i can go to collage " so i asked him"yeah that true so btw wich college you're going to " he loocked at me and said "UNIVESITY OF NAPLES" i was shocked cause he shoose a university really far it in ITALTY so i said to him" mh sounds good one" " Rose please don't make that face" "what face you're talking about? " " rose don't lie i know you so well" i laughed then i said "really you y=think you know how i feelyou don't know a danm thing about me" he answerd "why you saying that i know it pretty far but we still gonna meet on holidays" i said "yeah for sure you know i'm not sad that you're living in the end it your future .I hope you like it there" "comon Rose your my closest friend" i kissed him in the cheeck and said "yes I'm please don't follow me I need to walk alone" i went home straight to my room i couldn't hold it anymore i started criying I knew it from the begining that he gonna make it