𝐭𝐦𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

All x Suicidal reader

Requested by @semicolon

Title: Hold on

Note: first off this is a human tmnt scenario so i could add certain scenes, but please please please be cautious reading this as it does mention hard topics throughout the whole thing.

I set my laptop on the coffee table in front of me and rubbed my eyes, standing up as I decided to take a bath to wash the day's grime and sweat off of me. I texted the groupchat between the guys and me that I was gonna go take a shower and then left my phone on the table on vibrate. The last time I'd taken my phone with me to the bath, I'd dropped it in, so I wasn't all for that again. The leaving it on vibrate part was an accident, though.

It really was.

I made my way into the bathroom and shut the door, turning on the hot water and letting the tub fill while I got undressed and poured bubbles into the white bowl. I looked at myself in the mirror and immediately began critiquing myself, pulling back my hair and staring at my skin.

Too red.

My blackheads are too big.

My cheeks are too fat.

My eyes are too small and my eyelashes are nonexistent.

I have tummy fat.

My thighs are too big.

My skin wasn't the right shade to be considered pretty.

My legs had bumps on them.

My hair got too greasy too fast.

My teeth aren't white enough.

My fingers are too short and fat.

If there was a magic pair of scissors that could cut skin off and leave me perfect- my perfect- I would do it in a heartbeat. Even if I felt the pain of my skin being sliced from my body, I would still do it. I mean, it's worth it, right? Right? Everyone wants to be their own version of perfect, right?

Whether you know it or not, there's a part of yourself that knows that you will never truly be perfect the way you are. There's still a part of your mind that says ugly every time you look at yourself, hear yourself talk, or are by yourself in your room.

People are criticized for everything- it's nature. It's nature to look at something and immediately base it off of what it looks like- whether you know it or not. Maybe you take a second look or you think, "let's not base it on looks, let me see it up close" but you do. For a second, whether knowing or not, your mind goes ugly or beautiful.

Which one does your mind say when it sees you?

I stepped into the tub and let out a gentle breath as I sank down, taking the razor that sat on the little balcony off the wall. I hummed quietly to myself as I shaved my body, trying to ignore the guilty pain that came from me as I rolled the blade over my belly and in-between my thighs.

I wondered if pretty girls felt the stinging pain in their heart every time they looked at themselves- like I did. Who knows; maybe I was the only one in the whole world that felt this bad about myself. Maybe I was the only one in the world that couldn't stand myself.

Yeah, they say to love yourself 'cause everyone else can leave, but why would I do that? People spend their whole lives with people they hate because they can't stand to let them go. Was that me? Was I that person that couldn't let me go because I couldn't stand the thought of what other people would think of me if I did?

I gripped the razor in my hand and stared down at the sharp little blade. Running my finger over it, I then sat up straight and took it in my hands, breaking the sharp piece away from the little handle. Setting the handle back on the balcony piece, I balanced the little razor in my hands and stared at it as I then mimicked slicing it over my skin.