fatal love

Chapter 60

Grimmauld Place was awful. It was awful, godawful, majorly fucking awful, and Sirius couldn't stand it. He'd only been home for a week, and he already felt like running away and never coming back. He missed his friends: the Marauders, Marlene, Benjy, even Evans. Some nights, when he was feeling particularly self-pitying, he'd imagine what they were doing with their summer.

Benjy was probably off snogging loads of attractive muggle guys. Sirius was jealous, not over Benjy, but just the fact Benjy didn't have to shut off that part of himself when he went home. Benjy was free, and he was trapped.

Marlene would be hanging out with Evans and Mary. They had all been talking about meeting up during the last week of school, excited about having sleepovers even when they shared a dorm for the majority of the year. Sirius was stuck alone, every summer.

The Marauders would all be seeing each other too, and spending time with their families. James had Euphemia and Monty, parents who actually missed him while he was at Hogwarts, who tried to make his summers enjoyable. Pete's parents were sweet as well. His mother was overprotective, and he complained about it a lot, but it made Sirius so jealous that he had parents who worried about their son so much. They both had so much love in their lives, while Sirius had come to the conclusion last year that no, even if he still loved his parents, deep down, they certainly didn't love him.

He wondered if Remus had followed his advice, and gotten himself a girlfriend. Now Sirius was back home, he rather hoped he hadn't. It was selfish, but he wanted someone else to be suffering with him. Because if Remus was suffering, but made it through anyway, then so could Sirius. Then he felt incredibly guilty for thinking that. He didn't think that he really, actually wanted Remus to suffer, but if he was, or at least, if Sirius pretended he was, then it could ease his own pain just a little.

He had been Crucioed his first night home. Walburga had asked about his exam results, and he told her that he'd got nearly straight Os. But that wasn't good enough, and when she found out he'd been beaten to the top of the year, she'd gotten angry.

"Your intelligence was the only thing you still had going for you as Heir!" she had snapped at him.

"It's not my fault!" Sirius had argued back. "Lily's the smartest person in our year, she deserved to be top! I still did well."

It hadn't taken much more interrogation for Walburga to find out that Evans was muggleborn, and that was the final straw. She had Crucioed him over the dinner table, just like last year, while Orion and Regulus watched.

It wasn't pain you could get used to, or prepare for. Every single one of his nerves had felt like they were on fire, and he lost all sense of time or place until she lifted the curse. When she did, he had found himself curled up on the floor, tear tracks staining his face, and his voice hoarse and scratchy from screaming.

That was one of the worst parts. Even after it was over, he still had to deal with the humiliation. Standing up on shaky feet, his whole family staring at him, trying to walk out of the room with his head held high, not falling over. His weakness, his helplessness, out on display like that... It was just as bad as the pain really.

But now it had been a week at home, and the loneliness was starting to set in, which was a whole different beast. He'd always been lonely when he was at Grimmauld Place, but now he didn't even have Regulus, he felt more isolated than ever.

He and Reg were now both leaving the library, Walburga's lessons for the day over. Sirius hadn't been engaging in the lessons like he used to - he couldn't stand being in Walburga's presence anymore, even when she was giving him some grudging respect, which she did during the classes.

"Do you have to be so difficult?" Reg asked him tiredly as they walked down the long, empty hallway to their respective bedrooms. "It puts the whole family in a bad mood."