fatal love

chapter 180

He'd thought it was happening to him during the war, he thought back then that he was losing his mind. That had been nothing. That had been a bit of stress and a bad night's sleep compared to this.

He didn't even know what was real anymore. He couldn't tell what were memories and what weren't, he couldn't fill in the gaps of what was missing anymore. Half the time, he thought he really was eleven again, or sixteen, or nineteen. And didn't realise he wasn't until the memory was over, and he was thrown into the next one.

He was relatively sure he was insane. He didn't know if insane people knew they were insane, but he thought he was. His mind was a mess. If he ever got a brief reprieve from the onslaught, he couldn't keep track of his thoughts, didn't know where his mind was.

James. Lily. Eff. Reg. Monty. Harry. Benjy. Marlene. James. Lily. Crucio. Monty. Harry. Eff. Imperio. Lily. Benjy. Marlene. Lacero. James.

Remus.

He was angry, he was incredibly angry. He hated Walburga, he hated dragon pox, he hated Euphemia for wanting to go, for wanting to leave him.

And then his stomach twisted up inside him, because no he didn't, he couldn't even bear to think that. He loved Eff, and it was him who was selfish and cruel, because he was angry at her for wanting to go.

And he didn't know what to do without her. He didn't know what to do if he didn't have her roast dinners to look forward to on Sundays, and he wished he'd just let Monty do whatever the hell he wanted with Sirius' hair when he'd had the chance, and he wanted them both back.

He only realised he was crying when Remus came bursting back into the room, worried.

"Padfoot," he murmured sadly, kneeling next to the tub and carding his hands through Sirius' hair. "I'm here, I'm here, what can I do? Please tell me what I can do."

"I don't know!" Sirius sobbed, the gut-wrenching pain of it all really hitting him for the first time. "I don't know what to do without them, Moony."

"They loved you so much. They were so lucky to have you in their lives, you know?"

Sirius flinched, the water sloshing about. " I got lucky," he said, gulping for air. "I- I never thought I'd get anything like them, and then I did. And now they're g-gone."

Remus stared at him, tears filling his eyes as well and his lips trembling. "I... I'm so sorry. That's all I can say. I'd do anything to fix it."

Sirius nodded shakily, still sobbing. "I still need them," he cried uncontrollably. "I wasn't ready to let them go."

Merlin, Eff. He hadn't been ready, he still wasn't. He wanted her now, the constant barrage was too much. He needed her to hug him, cradle him, be soft and kind and gentle. He'd always needed that, even if he'd only gotten a taste of it for the few years he'd had with her.

"He was my brother," he cried, tears streaming down his face, "he was still my brother. Even if he was bad, she made him like that. He- he used to be sweet, and shy, and- and I was the one who looked after him. And then I left him there!..

"...I can't do this," he confessed. "I don't know how to feel, Moony. But I was his big brother, that's all I know, and I let him down."

"I know, love," Remus hushed. "It's all going to be okay, I promise."

"It's not! All my family is dying!"

It had just been the start. Fuck, fuck, so many people. All his fault. His fault his fault his fault.