Suicide Diary.

The Gray Area.

Being young isn't easy. It's actually kind of terrifying at times. Especially when you don't have a normal childhood. While other fourteen year olds spent their time in a classroom counting down the seconds until the bell rings and relieves them of their never ending supply of boredom, sticking gum to the underneath of their chair because it was just something else to do. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room hoping for some other news besides, "He's dying." grasping at every second out of fear it might be my last with him.

And I know what you're thinking. What would a fourteen year old girl be doing in a hospital?

But that's a story for another day.

My point is, is that being young isn't easy. Even for those girls sitting at their gum infested desk. They all have something to go home to. And sometimes what they go home to is worse then the mind numbing boredom caused by our extremely flawed education system.

Speaking of education, can we sit and acknowledge the unfortunate fact that our mind's worth and intellectual capability is measured by one piece of paper and a handshake that lasts less then thirty seconds long?

Anywho, back to the original thought, adults think that kids have the easiest lives because we're young and stupid. And technically, yes I am an adult. But I'm also young and stupid. Not to mention the fact that I'm still a teenager. By no means am I implying that being an adult is easy but being a kid isn't exactly a cake walk either.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm not fully a kid, but I'm not an adult either. I'm somewhere in between. A miserable little gray area full of "what ifs" and "I don't knows"

A constant state of not knowing what anything means aside from whatever it is determining your entire future.

And even if there were a map or instruction manual explaining step by step how the world works I assure you it would be in a language no one could translate nor understand.

A big thing about adults is that they always seem to forget how important being a child is. They get so caught up in the mess of this world and the man made illusion of 'responsibility' that they can't seem to realize that a big part of why being an adult sucks is because they've never been anything else. At the end of the day alot of us are forced to grow up way too fast.

Only to then become parents that think they're entitled to make their own kids grow up too fast.

And the cycle continues.

Currently, I'm scared. It's 3:17am and I have to talk to my manager tomorrow and ask to change shifts because I can't meet my shifts expectations. And I haven't even been at this job for a month.

I feel like when you ask your teacher for an extension on a test you forgot to do. And the conversation could go either way. They could give you a second chance, or fail you on the spot.

I don't want to fail.

I want a good grade and I want this job.

But even though I can feel the anxiety catching in my throat, all I can do is wait and see what happens. Take a deep breath and tremble my way into the room, hoping for the best.

Sometimes in life that's all you really can do. Shake, and hope.

Being a child isn't easy. Being an adult isn't either. Being both...is hell.

So word of advice from your unstable half baked adult. If you don't know what you're doing, don't pretend like you do. And try to remember that youth isn't painless, sometimes youth just means the beginning of the pain.

~Toxic