Suicide Diary.

To Suffer For Peace.

I find it nothing short of impossible to not admit my distaste for the lack of your company, for what is a rose if not paired with a thorn? As that is the only safety a flower can know. It is not that imagining a life with only echos of your presence is inconceivable, for I have played out such scenarios just behind the pupil of my eye on many occasion, for it is just that I simply can not stomach the dejection that comes with such imagery. I can not fully explain the unpleasant nightmare that breathing in a world that you've departed from brings me, but it is something that consumes the state of being in which I exist.

For though freedom is true for you, the chains that left your wrists search for new home in those who long for your return. And while it is not your fault for wanting to rise from your ashes and be anew, your smoke does not hesitate to scar my lungs. And for that I will not recover. But please know that I am not angry with you, for if my breathing must be shallow, I am honored to drown in the smoke of your new beginning, if only it means you breathe fresh air, even if just for a fleeting moment. But if you hoped that living in your absence would be a transition of peace and ease then I am somber to confess that it is the love in which we hold for you that makes this transition unacceptable. For while my hands are raw and torn from holding on to the goodbye I wish we never had to say, the thought of letting go hurts more then if I stayed like this forever. Know that in you I had security, know that in you I had hope, know that in you I had a home. And I will endure the agony that comes with losing that. If it means that you rest easier then when I still had it.

~Toxic.