My Universe - Per Yngve Ohlin

Half Empty

My alarm goes off and I stir for a moment, only to lie there stiff again. My room darkened, I probably wouldn't have been woken up by the sun. My deep brown eyes force to open and see the ceiling of my room. I stare up and hold my position, as I turn my gaze to the left to study the wall over there, my hair falls over my face into my eyes. And so I lie there.

Not aware of how long I've been in this position, my consciousness clears and I start inspecting the space around me. It's cold, but that's nothing new. Through the fresh air a strong smell wanders over to me. I sniff my clothes and then let myself fall back into the pillow. My head starts to hum due to the relentless silence that seems to rage through my eardrums. At that moment I snap. As if at the speed of light, my upper body is jerking upwards. Done. I stretch my neck in both directions, hoping that this would ease the cramping. As I move to the right I catch a glimpse of the clock, 2:30pm. No reaction can be reflected in my face, although everything is spinning in my head. I have to go in a few hours, unless I change my mind by then, but actually I shouldn't miss this show. Free entry and alcohol allowed, plus metal music, hopefully some decent people to watch headbanging and do stupid stuff, and hopefully a good show. If not, I wouldn't really mind though.

I press my face against my hand and roll my eyes. a moment later I support myself with my arms and get up unsteadily, my field of vision becomes foggy for a brief moment and then clears up again. I stand there, looking at the wall again until every pigment seems to shift and move towards me. I blink heavily and look away again. I take a step and hop out of bed. As I scratch my chin, my pupils focus on the half-empty water bottle that is on a table across from my bed. I walk over and smell it. "Shit", my nose clears and the corners of my mouth move towards a slight smirk. I take my time and then pour the liquid down my throat, which starts to burn the longer I hold the bottle up. After a few seconds I put it back on the table and sob briefly. "For gods sake", I give a short laugh and then walk towards the cds and records, "Land Of Frost - Darkthrone" I take the record out of the cover and put it on the recorder. As soon as the music starts playing, my head begins to cloud up. I go back to my table and take the rest of the liquor with me.

While I suck on the bottle every now and then, I pull out my sketchbook and start to draw. One depicts a skull with a human body hanging over a fire, the facial expression seems to scream for help. I draw plenty bats and  simple faces on empty spaces, which show mostly depressed or lifeless faces. At some point I put my pen aside and drop the notebook. My gaze darts past the walls, which seem to move into the same place over and over again. As they seem to be moving faster and faster, I lay on my side, my hands resting my head, and I close my eyes. Even though everything seems dark, my eyes keep moving, creating an illusion inside my brain which seems to have something hypnotic about it, because all of a sudden I be drifting away from this reality into a state of complete emptiness and contentment.

No matter how many hours have passed, the dull ache in my skull has not gone away yet. I blink abruptly and use my elbows as a support to get up, when I discover the water bottle next to me, my eyes scowl. "Fuck you." I get up and walk to the mirror, analyze my facial expression and realize that there are still remnants of make up from being there a day ago. I shrug, go back and remove the record from the recorder. I could not avoid hearing this kind of music live, I don't have to get ready anyway, even though my "Sodom" shirt was stained I decided to keep it on. My black jeans were ripped, underneath my bare, pale skin. My make-up was perfect, smeared, black borders around the eyes, my long brown hair rough and messy. I look for my clock in my field of vision and lean slightly to the side to see the hour hand. 8pm, the show was about to start.