Swipe Right for Catfish

Chapter 6

"That James guy always leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It feels like he is hiding something," Jackie said, walking to her chair behind the desk.

"You're delusional as ever. James has been the same since college," I said, taking a seat in the chair across the desk.

"Anyway, I don't have another call, so don't worry, we have plenty of time. Go on, spill it. What's the big emergency?" Jackie asked, propping her feet up on the desk.

"I've found my soulmate. Her eyes are like a forest I could get lost in, exploring what sacred treasures hide in its depths. Her hair is like the phoenix dying out, only to transform from ash into gulfs of flames that spiral and interlock to create this majestic creature..."

Laughing in her chair, Jackie interrupted me. "Autumn! Give me some facts. I get it. She's beautiful, but how did you guys meet? What's her name, where is she from, and so on?"

I took out my phone and pulled up her profile to show Jackie. "Well, I haven't gotten that far, but based on looks, she's a potential candidate. Besides, I need to find a plus one for Ron's wedding, or I'm not allowed to go."

"Get out of town. Ol' Stumblebum is getting married? Good for him." Jackie took her feet off the desk and sat up. "So, tell me more about this potential plus one."

Handing her the phone, I said, "Her name is Ruth, and we haven't talked yet, but judging from her profile, she might be the one." The room grew silent as Jackie went through Ruth's profile. There was the occasional mutter of approval as Jackie looked through her photos. I couldn't take it anymore. "So, what do you think?" I asked.

"Give up. You don't have a chance. She's too far out of your league." Jackie handed me back the phone. "I mean, you can put up a fight because you both like to surf and go on hikes. With that said, you can't do those activities for long because of your weird hatred for sunlight. Remember when I opened the blinds in your office? You hid under your desk and hissed at me until I closed them."

"Well, you should have been more considerate of the children of the night. We can't get too much sunlight—it's bad for our skin."

"Your doctor thinks otherwise since she prescribed you the highest dosage of vitamin D twice a day. Anyway, that's beside the point. You haven't dated in a while, and you're always going after shiny objects. Do you think you could handle a serious relationship?"

"Of course, I can handle a serious relationship. For example, I've stuck with the same phone for five years. That's a genuine commitment nowadays."

Jackie laughed. "Listen, what I'm trying to say is relationships take time, compromise, and sacrifice. And you have a habit of acting impulsively. If you behave in your usual tomfoolery, this Ruth girl might think you're playing games." Jackie put her head into her hand and sighed. "But I know you will not give up. So at least let me help you out. What are you going to say first?"

"Well, I have to start with how much I love her and that we need to get married." Jackie did not like that answer as she shot me a death glare. "Kidding... obviously, I was just going to say, 'Hello, how are you?'"

"Hmm, maybe you're not the mad lad I believed you to be. But you can do better." Jackie thought for a moment, then her eyes grew wide. "You should say, 'I'm researching important dates. Do you want to be mine?'"

"I might be rubbing off on you. That was so cheesy." I chuckled.

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Whatever, send what you want."

"No, it's good. I'm going to use it," I said, finishing the text. "Sent. Now we play the waiting game. So, how're things with you and Glenn?"

"Ugh, don't even get me started. I didn't tell you over the weekend, but he left me for some dude named Terry. Apparently, they were hooking up with each other while we were dating." I could feel the anger radiating off her. "When he came to get his stuff, they were using stupid nicknames for each other. Terry calls Glenn his Chubby Hubby, and Glenn calls Terry his Truffle Kerfuffle. Their entire relationship is ridiculous."

"Wow, I mean, I can relate. Getting cheated on sucks. But their relationship seems a bit Oat of This Swirled." Jackie shot me another death glare. Before she could chew me out for making light of the situation, I showed her my phone. "Look, she texted back. She sent laughing emojis and said, 'That's a good opener!'" I continued to text Ruth, with Jackie's help, of course. But after an hour had passed, the conversation with Ruth started to feel very dry.

"Man, this chick is so boring. Give me your phone—we need to spice the conversation up a bit," Jackie said, getting up from her seat and grabbing the phone. She typed for a minute, then handed me back the phone. "Here, send this."

I looked at the phone and saw that Jackie had written, "Man, are you a dentist? Because this conversation is like pulling teeth." Making a disapproving face, I looked up and said, "I don't know, Jackie. This seems a little mean, don't you think?"

"Not at all. It's a little teasing, that's all. If this girl has a sense of humor, she will understand, trust me."

I was a little nervous, but I trusted Jackie and sent the message. Not long after, my phone buzzed to life. We both stared at the phone, realizing that it was not Ruth. "False alarm. It's just Ron. He wants to meet up and talk about the engagement."

"Perfect timing. It just turned 4:30 p.m. Let's get out of here." Jackie stood up and packed up her briefcase.

"That reminds me, I have to throw out my water," I said, standing up. "I left it at my desk for too long. That janitor might have gotten to it."

"Alright, Autumn, now you're just being paranoid. I doubt the creepy janitor spiked your drink. He's creepy, not a criminal," Jackie said, rolling her eyes. "He's just a guy with a foot fetish."

"Correction, it's a left toe fetish. Also, I'm not risking it because I don't want to wake up tied to a chair, with my foot in a bucket of ice and missing a toe," I said, peeking into the hallway to see if the janitor was near. "Alright, the coast is clear. Let's take the stairs," I said before walking into the hall.

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