The Playlist of Traumas

bad idea!- girl in red

I am very straight. I grew up going to church and being told that being gay was a sin, and to save yourself for marriage. My first thought about this whole concept was, "Why are they telling me who to fuck and when?" I decided to go against the whole concept just for the sake of it and lost my virginity to a guy when I was thirteen.

He went to the same school as me, and was an awkward tall messy-haired brunette that drew most of the time. We were hanging out a birthday party together and it started as chatting, and just genuine enjoyment of each other's company.

We got way too drunk and told each other that we were both virgins, and decided to change that. It was in their parent's master bathroom, door locked, and was the most awkward sex I've had to this day. Lots of confusion during the process, and trying to be casual and forget about it after the fact.

A week after is when we started dating, just because we had similar interests and also conventional parent pressure to find someone. One night, we walked together to a nearby house party with my best friend, our hands intertwined as she trailed behind us, skipping and chattering as the cool night air brushed our faces.

When we got there and started to meet with people, me and him parted ways for a bit and I decided to hang out with her since it had been a while. We curled up on a couch in the basement together, the music blaring around us and couples bumped against each other dancing along with red solo cups in their hands.

The walls were eggshell white but dents lined the sides, and an unmade old grey bedspread. I rested my head on her shoulder and sighed as her hair fell into mine. "Im so tired," I had told her thoughtfully, feeling her neck against my face.

She turned over to me, staring me into the eyes for a moment, then leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. I paused, completely shocked. We had been best friends for seven years and she has had so many boyfriends, and we were completely sober. I kissed her back as feelings rushed through my brain, and her lips were soft and caring as her arm slung around my back and pulled me closer.

I had never done this before. This feeling is nothing I've ever felt before with a guy. It was the emotion of pure closeness, of genuine care and adoration for her. She's been nothing more to me than my best friend, but as I felt her lips against mine, I realized that maybe that's not how I truly felt.

I pulled away and stared at her, wide eyed, and she stood up abruptly and walked away, clearly anxious about what she'd just done. I remember staring after her, looking at the freckles on her face and the dark brown colour of her eyes, and thinking that maybe I could like women.