Asshole (SKK)

Ch. 2

*** self-harm implications and a borderline panic attack***

It's about time to get up for work. Except I don't go to work on time. And I was never asleep to begin with. An hour is enough for me. Not like these nightmares would let me sleep anyway. Besides there was a lot of light shining in through the windows. Yeah...

Anyway, up we go then. Might as well do something 'productive'. Like testing out a new suicide method! Maybe a beautiful woman will finally say yes to my declaration of a double suicide! Oh, what a splendid idea. Just need to change out of these bandages. I thought they'd be okay for today but no, the rain ruined them too much to be acceptable. I don't have any other supply of bandages though. Maybe I can leave enough bandages around my coat sleeve while I run down to the store to gather some. Yeah... they've got to breathe anyway right? What can go wrong?

Everything apparently can go wrong. Really gotta stop jinxing myself like this. Firstly, the method I wanted to try out is apparently very painful. Like who wants that! Secondly, Atsushi's been calling me nonstop today. I think Kunikida made him since he knows I won't pick up if it's him. Thirdly, and by far the one that's caused me the most distraught, the store ran out of bandages! How does a store run completely out of bandages? Is there another person who mass buys the stock!? I will need to speak to this individual immediately. Now I have to go across town to find some. This is not fair. I can always attempt to take Dr. Yosano's, but I don't know if she even has any. So, to the next store we go.

These bandages are dangerously loose. The water damage is causing them to slip and not stay in their place. This is bad. My sleeves are not long enough for this to be happening. So paranoid. Is everyone staring? Keep calm. Look calm. You are calm. You're not nervous. Why would I be nervous. Keep that smile, just like you practiced. Yeah that one. There is no reason to panic. No one will know.

Oh no I saw something familiar. It looked like Chuuya's hat, but it can't be right? Right? A lot of short ginger's wear hats. Besides, in these years that I've wanted to see him again, I've never been given the chance so that must mean something right? Okay relax. Just pretend you didn't notice and keep walking... Slightly faster now that I sense someone truly staring me down now...

Luckily this store had bandages. I bought their whole stock. Now I just need a bathroom so I can apply some of these. I would do an alleyway, but Chuuya caught me once when we were younger. I've never seen him so angry yet sad before then. Wonder if he's still care. Doesn't matter now anyway.

Not long after I find a bathroom to use. Luckily it's single use. As in one person at a time. Decently sized actually. Wasting no time, I apply the bandages over the consequenses of my actions. I don't like pain at all but I can't seem to stop. I hate it yet I keep going. They're just moments of weakness. Pathetic.

I guess I finished, seeing as they've been blocked from my vision. Gathering my stuff I exit the bathroom only for someone, all I could make out of them was a familiar biker jacket, to push me aside as they walk into the bathroom. Huh, someone's in a hurry. Prolly shitting themselves after a failed suicide. I've been there. Those mushrooms were something else, lemme tell you that.

The walk home was different. I had this feeling of being watched the whole time. And not the usual kind of watched. The difference is I can feel it being.. closer. With more of a purpose. Following me. My every move. All the way home. I even checked behind and around me a couple times. Nothing. After closing the curtains I go put my stuff away. Quite the haul I got.

I guess I should head to work now. I don't want Kunikida's lecture to go on longer. Although I can tell he's running out of things to say. Bothering him is fun. Not as fun as bothering Chuuya, but still fun. It's funny how they're kind of alike. We work well together, they hate me, they're always nagging in my ear about finishing my work, their threats, both didn't like me at first but still had a lot of trust in me for our first 'mission' together.

There'a a huge difference though. And no, not talking about their height gap. It's the way they care about me, specifically. Especially with my impulsiveness and suicidal tactics. Kunikida has saved me sure, but he's never tended my wounds. Never found me at my lowest. Never seen me at my lowest. Never prevented me from dropping any lower. He's always been so dismissive to whatever I say, especially concerning suicide.

But Chuuya... He's tended my wounds, he's found me at my lowest, he's seen my lowest, he's prevented me from dropping lower. Chuuya has prevented a couple of attempts. He refuses to acknowledge that fact though. He refuses to admit to a lot of things. Like that he's short. And that he's still my dog.

Lost in all those thoughts, I don't even realize I've reached the Agency door. Sighing I enter the Agency and go sit at my desk. I vaguely hear Kunikida start lecturing me for a moment before he continues back on his schedule. I look down at my desk. I don't want to do this.

"Hey Atsushi, can I ask you a fav-"

"No Dazai," He interupted me while fixing his own papers, "Kunikida has warned you about doing your own paperwork. And he told me to not help you anymore."

Sighing in defeat I respond, "Well mother knows best I guess."

"eXCUSE ME WHAT."

Satisfied, I tune him out while sorta doing to do my paperwork. I have a nagging feeling deep down. And it's not Kunimida. A feeling just like the one I had when I was going home. I hope it's not something bad. I don't want any more paperwork...