Lovesong

Chapter 8

I collapsed helplessly against the wall inside my room. I felt so empty and numb without Kate by my side. I just wanted her to come back to me. The tears rolled down my face. I'm just kidding myself. How can she come back when she was never mine? Why did I let her make me feel so numb? So empty? Because I love her. All of her. And hearing her and Gyu, and seeing all that I saw...it just tore the hole deeper in my heart. I sat there wallowing in my thoughts and all that I'd done. Maybe I did run her off by the way I treated her. I bumped the back of my head against the wall, closing my eyes, "Kizzy, help me. Please. What did I do wrong? All I ever wanted was for her to love me. What was so wrong in that? How I am ever to survive this? The mental image? The sounds? I thought hearing her with Junnie was bad, but this is so much worse. I don't know if I should fight for her, or just let her go." I knew Kizzy wasn't real, but she was comfort when the pain hurt so much. I stared at the framed picture across the room on my nightstand. It was the very one I had made of Kate and I. A replica of the one I shattered in Daegu. Kate was always with me. I still have her pictures on my phone. Ones I've secretly taken or ones I took from Gyu's phone when he wasn't looking. Yes, I have it bad for the saucy strawberry blond. I always have. If I could turn back time, or maybe if I had tried harder, she'd be mine. She'd be in my room and not his. On top of all this, she's leaving my sight, heading for California tomorrow. I can't deal with that. I hear Gyu outside my door, "I'll be down in a second." Them I hear his door close. Kate. Now was my chance. I dried my eyes, rose to my feet, and quietly opened my door. Holy Toledo! She's wearing the pink shirt I was just moments ago sobbing into. Her was now clipped up off her neck, loose tendrils falling. There was a bounce in her step. I could almost see the smile on her face. I followed behind her, getting lost in the smell of her. I didn't want to scare her, but I had to make my point, and make it very clear. Just as she approached the kitchen, I grabbed her by the waist, spun her around and had her up against doorframe. I covered her mouth with my hand before she had a chance to scream. Dear god...there was fear in her eyes. I shook my head, "Shhh...Kate," I whispered, "just hear me out. Please. If I remove my hand will you promise not to scream?" I sniffed the air between us, "God, you smell so delectable." I slowly eased my hand away, and she struck me, "Don't do that to me, you imbecile! You scared the crap out of me." I didn't blame her for hitting me. I deserve whatever gives me. It just hurt like hell to stare into the face of angel. I lowered my head and shook my head again, biting on my lower lip. This woman was literally bringing me to my knees. I didn't know what else to say to her. I just wanted to be in her aura, under her spell. Just to feel her eyes on me and to feel her fingers on my skin. I felt the tears burning my eyes. To hide the pain I turned my back on her, "Kate, I'm sorry. You can go. I'm sure Gyu isn't too far behind you." Just as I heard her step away I stated, "By the way, Red, you might want to wash that shirt. It has a little bit of me on it." I cocked my head over my shoulder, and winked, even though my cheeks were drenched in my love for her. She pulled me into the kitchen by the sleeve, "What are you talking about," she asked in a hush tone. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. So I tried a different tactic, "Red, how can I convince you to stay? Do you realize if you leave you're taking with you the biggest part of me?" I looked around the dim room. It was just hours ago when I had up against the counter. Clinging and panting, bumping and grinding against me. I reminded her, "How am I supposed to forget that, Red? Please tell me. If you didn't feel anything for me, you wouldn't have flooded my fingers." Her green eyes enlarged, "Geez, Soobin. Keep your voice down!" She snapped in a whisper, "I'd rather forget it." I stepped up to her backing her into a tight corner, "You see, Kate. I can't do that. That meant something to me. I can still taste you. Smell you on my fingers. Do you realize how bad I wanted to rip your bottoms off and take you until you choked right here? As soon as I felt your wetness you had me..." She covered her ears with her hands, "Shut up, Soobin! Please shut up! Shut up!" I pulled her hands from her ears. Oh, just there mere touch of her skin on mine made me flushed. And she smelled like pure sweetness mixed with the peachy scent of Gyu. Geez...peaches and cream. Kate bit her bottom lip, her green eyes meeting with mine, "Why are you saying all these things to me?" I growled, "Because it was good, Red. You wanted more. I know you did. I could have given you that upstairs." Her jaw dropped open, "What?!" My fingers teased with hers and my voice softened, "Kate, I heard it all. Every cry of pleasure. Every scream for more. Just like in here. Only you held back, but I felt all of it." Then I reached up a hand and caressed her cheek. I must be losing my mind. Her eyes...when she looks at me...gives new meaning to life. It's like I'm seeing the northern lights. They give me a ray of hope, a sense of peace, a calm in the storm. I stated, "Kate, you know I'm in love with you. That will never change. I'll do better. I'll be a better man." My thumb caressed her cheekbone. I saw a flicker of maybe I stood I chance in her green orbs. She wasn't resisting. She just stood there staring back at me. I pressed on with my words, "Kate, please. I never knew what I needed until I felt your hand touching mine. I can't imagine my life without you." She removed my hand from her face. 'No, please. I need that contact.' Instead the tips of fingers of her right hand touched the outline of my jaw. I felt myself melting. I'm so in love with her that I'm suffering in the agony of her not being mine. I did her wrong. I hurt her, and now I'm paying the price for loving her. I catch myself swooning. Swooning?? Soobin Choi does not swoon! Somehow this very freckled face woman has me on my knees. I've never begged for anyone to love me. It's always been the other way around. Women beg me, wanting my attention. But these days only one woman has my full attention, and she's standing right in front of me. What if I told her she's my hero? Would she believe me? So I go for it. I take in a ragged breath, "Kate, you saved me. And I don't want to lose you. That will be the quickest way to bring me to my knees." She pouted, licking her bottom lip. Damn that was sheer torture! If she did it again, I needed to prepare myself. She never has to a word. Her little innuendoes speak louder than words. I felt myself inching in closer. She said, "Soobin, that's so sweet of you to say. But I'm not sure how to take it. This isn't right. You and me. You know that. I'm flattered, really?" I grunted, close to her lips, "If it's so wrong, then why does it feel so right. Tell me you don't feel it too, and I'll walk away. I'll end this now. It'll hurt like hell, but I'll do it. Just say it." Her hand fell from my face abs she looked away. Reverse psychology. That was my game plan. This would not be the end of us. She knew it. She knew it that night I approached her in the bathroom at the lodge as I took all of her in, all of her glorious curves in that red satin cami short set. I'd never been so turned on over a pair of pajamas as I was that night. I can play her game, but I play to win. She knows that too. I can tell her I'll go, but she'll always be looking behind her. I'll always be one step ahead. Never far from her sight. She knows it. That's why she can't say it. I lay my index finger under her chin and direct her eyes back on me. Good god I'm so weak when it comes to her. It so hard to be strong. When all I want to do is mesh into her. Feel her love. To be wrapped in her. My lips part slightly, "You can't, can you? You need this too." She grabs a fistful of the front of my sweater and pulls me down close to her mouth. I thought this is it. She's going to kiss me. Then her eyes narrow, "I'm leaving tomorrow." I blink, "You can't." I pinned her into the corner between the wall and the counter, "You can't leave me. I'll find you. You know I will." She argued, "I'm going to California. End of story. End of us. Wait... what am I saying? There is no us. Get that through your head. I'm your friend. Nothing more." I grabbed the front of her neck, suddenly feeling my temper rise. I didn't want to hurt her, or use force, but this woman presses my buttons. She knows what I'mcapable of, and yet, she drives me to put my hands on her. I smile, "Red, red, red. You know that's a lie. Friend's don't do the things we've done. Friend's don't know and experience each other inside out. Friend's don't feel what we feel. You can deny it all you want, but I know the truth. I know what's in your heart." I heard footsteps coming, and I waited with bated breath for her response. My fingers tightened on her throat. She squeezed her eyes shut, grimacing. I grounded out resting my forehead to hers, "Red, I really don't want to hurt you. I just love you so much. How am I supposed to go on without you here? I need you in my life. Hell, woman! You are my life. You've always been since way back when." She pleaded, "Please, Soobin. I care about you. I do. But I can't love you. Not like that. I love Cookie." I chided, biting on my lower lip, "But you can love me. You do love me. You do, Kate." Her grip on my sweater released and she peered into my eyes, and I saw a tear escape. I lean down letting it absorb against my puckered lips. I whispered, "Kate, my sweet red, I never want to make you cry." I was so close to her mouth. My lips beckoned to touch hers. Just to taste her kiss. But then fragments of seeing her lip locked with Gyu came to mind. That bedroom scene. My hands sliding up her naked thighs to her back. I groaned, "It should've been me, Kate. I want it to be me. You know my heart." She nodded, "I do, Soobin. But I'm engaged to Cookie. And you know I love him. I've always loved him. We can't keep doing this. When I leave tomorrow, it's the final word. Close the book. Shut the door. Goodbye." Those words did not sit well with me. And she knew it. Yet she said it anyway. I've pleaded. I've begged. I've opened my heart. I've cut myself to the core for her. And she still refuses. Damn Gyu! I never should have given him those signed divorce papers. I never should have agreed to set him free from his torture of hell with Mari. I did it because I wanted the one thing he had...Kate. And I didn't want a just one time thing. I wanted it all with her.